Quite a cocktail list

***update: Just spoke with my doctor and she feels I only need 2 intralipid shots this cycle, the first to be a day before ovulation. So I won't be having 3 shots starting thurs. Which is fine by me cause that saves me $$. Now I just need to pinpoint when the hell I am going to ovulate so I can get the shot the day before. THAT is going to be a task. ugh***


I am really trying to pull out all of the stops here for this cycle. I think I have done everything known to man to try and make this work. I just scheduled my first of perhaps 3 intralipid shots. I will get the first round this thursday. Then I will wait again do the second round right before ovulation. This is crucial because is has to be timed accordingly - which will be very hard because I only can tell AFTER I ovulated. So I am basing everything just on my past cycles which day I think I should ovulate. As well as temping, monitoring my CM, and all that jazz as well.

  I don't trust ovulation predictors. I don't know if it's because I have a long LH surge but they never worked for me. I would get days of positives. So I don't go by those. So hopefully I can peg this just right so it is most effective.

So far to make this work I have done:

Lit therapy,
Intralipids,
Hydroxychloroquine,
Predisone (steroids)
Lovenox
Baby aspirin
Omega 3 supplements
Pine bark
Reversatrol
Metanx (folate)
Prenatals
Vit D
Vit E
Tumeric
EGCg green tea extract
progesterone


And I have excluded endometriosis as being the culprit.
The only thing I haven't done is the IVIg.

I've been through the ringer these past couple of years...and I am hoping everything I am doing will be enough to finally have my baby. The only thing that will prevent it now is either my TNF still won't budge coming down, or my eggs are not viable. Which scares the shit out of me.

But all I can do is try. And I can be comforted knowing I am doing everything within my power right now. If I miscarry again, I will give it another try again. I feel I can do this....I feel this will happen. I have to continue to be patient. I have to continue to give it time. And I have to continue to tell myself, it's not my fault. I am trying..and that's all I can do.

Quite a cocktail list

I am really trying to pull out all of the stops here for this cycle. I think I have done everything known to man to try and make this work. I just scheduled my first of perhaps 3 intralipid shots. I will get the first round this thursday. Then I will wait again do the second round right before ovulation. This is crucial because is has to be timed accordingly - which will be very hard because I only can tell AFTER I ovulated. So I am basing everything just on my past cycles which day I think I should ovulate. As well as temping, monitoring my CM, and all that jazz as well.

  I don't trust ovulation predictors. I don't know if it's because I have a long LH surge but they never worked for me. I would get days of positives. So I don't go by those. So hopefully I can peg this just right so it is most effective.

So far to make this work I have done:

Lit therapy,
Intralipids,
Hydroxychloroquine,
Predisone (steroids)
Lovenox
Baby aspirin
Omega 3 supplements
Pine bark
Reversatrol
Metanx (folate)
Prenatals
Vit D
Vit E
Tumeric
EGCg green tea extract
progesterone


And I have excluded endometriosis as being the culprit.
The only thing I haven't done is the IVIg.

I've been through the ringer these past couple of years...and I am hoping everything I am doing will be enough to finally have my baby. The only thing that will prevent it now is either my TNF still won't budge coming down, or my eggs are not viable. Which scares the shit out of me.

But all I can do is try. And I can be comforted knowing I am doing everything within my power right now. If I miscarry again, I will give it another try again. I feel I can do this....I feel this will happen. I have to continue to be patient. I have to continue to give it time. And I have to continue to tell myself, it's not my fault. I am trying..and that's all I can do.

Let the games begin...

Aaaannnd we're off! I'm officially on day 1 of my cycle for this month! In two weeks we will start trying again! I'm a big ball of nerves!! I have decided that I think I am going to hold off on retesting my TNF levels. I just don't know if I want to handle the stress of that. I'm thinking that remaining naive may help with the stress levels. Because if I retest and it's not down, then I am going to start stressing even more - which just doesn't help matters at all.

  I am also going to discuss with my doctor about doing a few intralipid shots. I should start that asap and do another one upon a positive pregnancy test. Just adding another thing to help calm my immune system. Can't hurt (well it will hurt my wallet) haha. But I will do everything I need to do to get it done.

   But yeah.....here we go!

Blogging

I just read the most inspiring blog! It was almost like I am reliving her hellish nightmare because she went through the EXACT same thing I am going through!! Only she has a very happy ending!!! She had 5 miscarriages, diagnosed with auto-immune issues, took the same steps I'm taking to treat it (minus the LIT), took HYDROXYCHLORIQUINE which I pushed so hard to get and then BAM. Got pregnant and it stuck! Now she has a beautiful little girl!!

  I can only hope my path ends as similar as hers! I am praying for that positive outcome! I don't know what this cycle will bring. I don't know if I have been on the hydroxychloroquine long enough for it to really do it's job! I don't know if I am trying too soon and setting myself up for failure again. But what I do know is I can't stop trying. Her blog was called "try, try, try again" and it's so true! You cannot quit! You must gather the courage and strength to ultimately obtain your dream! I cannot say this drug will be my saving grace. I don't know when or if I will get my happy ending. I may still be in store for more heartbreak before I finally get there. But I won't give up.

My inspiration:

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/kelly-moseley-mums-baby-joy-3030511

Hits home.

"I don't know what's right and what's real...anymore.

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel, anymore.

When do you think it will all become clear?

Cause I'm being taken over by the fear."

Mindscapes.

When I was younger, whenever I would go through some hardships, I would usually take it out on my hair by either cutting it some crazy new cut, or dying it some random color. These days, I have been going crazy on obtaining things and selling things to "renew/replace" items in my house. I didn't even realize how bad it's become until my husband just pointed it out to me today.

 Over the past couple of months, I've replaced my patio set, guest room, master bedroom furniture, etc.etc.etc. Today I think he hit his limit when I told him I was thinking about listing our dinnerware for sale so I could replace them with another set. Why you ask? Well, I don't know. I found another set I like - and well, I don't know why. Just because! He said to me "I hope you fill whatever this void you are trying to fill soon, so you can just be content with the things we have". That hit me in the face hard - because he is so right. I have been doing everything I can these days to occupy my mind and thoughts that I have become almost obsessed with renovating our house for no reason!

  Granted - it's always fun to decorate and refresh your household items. But I realized it has become more than that today when he pointed out the dinnerware replacement. I am not a psychologist, but it would make sense that I am trying to fill a void. Moments of happiness are there in my life, but there is a piece to the puzzle that is missing in my heart. Hopefully it won't be too much longer now that I can have that completeness. In the meantime, hope my husband can put up with my craziness for a little longer!

Post op appt/Dr. Switch

Today I went to my post op appt. Everything went as I expected - no endometriosis to be found and everything looked great in there. So I can officially cross that off the list of things. So before I get started with the appt. I had quite an interesting week. I have been pounding the pavement to find a doctor to prescribe me Plaquenil. (hydroxychloroquine). ((the drug I have been wanting my specialist to prescribe to me)). I knew she wasn't going to - so I contacted my primary care doctor about it. He took a step further than my specialist would - and actually researched it for me, however, he felt he couldn't prescribe me something on the basis of what I wanted to use it for (infertility) since he knew nothing about it. Which is understandable and at least he was willing to look into it for me which I appreciated.

  So I contacted my fertility specialist again (shot in the dark) attempt and she yet again shot me down. She suggested I see a rheumatologist and that she cannot help me in getting it. Ok. FINE. So I made an appt with a rheumatologist for the 9th of August. NOW. Today I went to my post op and talked with my doctor there. He is very nice, and actually listens to me and my concerns. I told him about plaquenil and stated the reasons why I felt it would benefit me. And guess what. HE is going to prescribe it to me!!!!! On top of that - he wants to care for my issues and wants me to entrust him in my pregnancy journey. He is not an immunologist - and isn't too familiar with how it relates to pregnancy loss - HOWEVER - he isn't opposed to giving me the right medication he feels will help suppress my immune system during pregnancy. So on top of the plaquenil, I will be on a low dose steroid which my fertility dr wanted to put me on anyway. We will retest the TNF levels in a month and see where we are at.

  FINALLY I found a doctor who understands and is willing to help me!! And thinks outside the box!! I couldn't be more thrilled! So I get to start this medication tonight!!! I am not saying this is going to be my miracle drug - but it's definitely worth a shot!!! And for the steroid and plaquenil - it cost me a total of $14!!! Sure beats the $2500 per shot of IVIg if it works!! God I hope it works!! It's my last ditch effort to try and do this without breaking my bank account. Praying for miracles over here!

  Anyway, so that's the latest and greatest! I will keep you posted on how it's all going! But woooohoooooooooooooo for the Plaquenil! Finally!!!!