8 weeks 3 days

This past week has been a rollercoaster again. It started last wednesday the 21st. I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and there was bright red blood on my pad. And (sorry tmi) but blood dripping from me into the toilet. Yep, here we go again, I thought. I had no cramps but it was a decent amount of blood. I tried to ease my fears as best as I could at 3am. But clearly got no sleep.

  That morning I contacted my doctors who told me to just wait it out and see if it got worse or not. Nice. I have to sit there and wonder if things are ok or not all day. On top of that, they told me not to come in because they didn't want to do another ultrasound so soon since I had one the week prior and if I were miscarrying, there was nothing they could really do. So by around 3pm - the bleeding wasn't necessarily worse - but it wasn't stopping. And I was starting to cramp a little. I was to start my progesterone in oil treatment that evening and I thought to myself - if things are going south - I am not going to put myself through a hell week of torture doing these shots in my ass for nothing. I wanted to make sure everything was ok with the baby before subjecting myself to that. So I decided to head to the ER.

  Everything went really smoothly there, I was in and out within a couple of hours. Got an ultrasound and baby was ok - no bleeding in the uterus or ovaries. The heartbeat was 152 and measured right on time. What a relief. They did see "endocervical fluid" which clearly was blood in my cervix. Not a lot they said, just a little. So clearly the issue is my cervix. It's angry for some reason!! Probably all of these suppositories, ultrasounds, etc..etc. It's like "leave me alone!!" lol

  I went home that afternoon feeling more at ease that at least for now - everything was still ok. That evening I did my first progesterone in oil shot and let me just say OUCH. I hate them. My husband has to inject them in my ass every night. NOT. FUN. Painful and brutal...but hoped they would at least give my cervix a break.

  Well, or so I thought. That saturday (christmas eve) I woke up to yet again. Red blood. Are you kidding me??? Again, I tried not to panic but this is getting to be a little much. Red bleeding every 3 or 4 days can't be good. I didn't call the doctor this time. I didn't go to the ER. I just rode it out this time. And by the end of the day it had stopped. I have no idea what to think at that point. There is really nothing anyone can do. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. I just had to wait and see. Which is the absolute worst. But eventually, it stopped, and I just brown spotted for the remaining few days after.

  So today I had ANOTHER ultrasound. Which I was very reluctant to do since I feel I have been having weekly ultrasounds since week 5 at this point. I hear there are risks with constant ultrasounds so it makes me nervous. But it's not like I am just doing them for shits and giggles. I have had medical emergencies and needed to be seen. Anyway...today I went ahead and kept my appt because after Saturdays bleed, I wanted to make sure everything was still ok and also - I am about to drop another $500 on intralipids, so I needed to be sure everything was ok and not just throw my money away for nothing. I told the tech I only wanted an abdomen ultrasound and not transvaginal. I told her my vagina is closed for business. hahhaa. I need everything to just heal and be normal down there...no more disrupting the PH levels. No more prodding a clearly sensitive cervix.

 She honored my wishes and we proceeded with the abdominal ultrasound even though she insisted she could give me more answers with transvaginal. I told her I just wanted to be sure the heart was still beating and that's all I needed to know at that point. So we started and sure enough, the little bean was still with us, beating away at 184bpm. Measured perfectly to date as well. I asked her if it was normal for the heartbeat to fluctuate so much and she told me yes they go up and down all the time. Just so long as it's in range then its fine. So now I will go ahead and make an appt with my OBGYN to get more prenatal care too and schedule hopefully my final intralipid transfusion.

  So that's the latest. Like I said, been a rollercoaster of emotions. This hasn't been an easy journey so far. I also threw up for the first time this morning! I have felt plenty of nausea this trimester, but this time I actually barfed. Guess that's a good sign too! We are still far far far from getting out of the woods though. We still have that one day at a time mentality. Anything can change at any given moment and that keeps us humble and grounded. But we are still on base...and for that, I am grateful.

A positive post for once

Whenever I get on here I am either venting about something, or just received bad news. So this blog has really took a turn for the negative lately. And, yes the crap I am going through sucks no doubt...but I am not always in this negative state of mind. Which is why I decided to write a post when I am actually in a decent mood! haha!

  Things aren't really much different with me news wise. Only my amazing nurse Sarah is going to talk with my doctor about potentially administering the infusion and steroid treatments on me herself, instead of having to go through an infusion center. It would save me SO much money, since half the cost is for the nurse to come to your home and do it. She volunteered and is going to tell my doctor she really wants to do this for me as a courtesy. I really hope my doctor allows it, since they do not do that kind of thing at their office. I will know what she says later today.

  But even if she says no, it's really nice to know that someone on my medical team is batting for me. That's not just out to screw me, or take advantage of my time and money. So that really made me feel so comforted that I have someone like her that would do that for me to help me. There really are great people in this world, you just have to find them!! haha

 Anyway, we are heading to Canada this weekend. I am excited! I already booked dinner reservations in the CN Tower on our first night there. Should be really cool! I will post pictures of our trip! The procedure is on Monday the 4th. They only had an injection time for me at 2:30pm so that kinda sucks because we will be heading down back to Virginia right after the appt. So that will make for a very long day/night of driving. Fortunately my boss has been really cool about the whole thing and will let me take the next morning off if I need it.

  Speaking of my boss and nice gestures, my boss is giving me the time off to go to Canada for these procedures. Meaning - I do not have to use any of my personal days for this. How nice is that!? He knows my issues and has been very understanding with me. He's never questioned my constant doctor appts and blood draws. He's been really supportive and that's such a great thing, because with all of this mess, it really has caused me to take a lot of time from work. He has even allowed me to work overtime to help me financially. As much as I like to bitch about working, it's nice to work for people who are compassionate. I'm very lucky with that.

Anyway, like I said, today isn't bad. It's just a normal day, and most days are like this. I feel fine, (even though I started my period last night), but other than that...just another day. I wanted to post this so my readers don't think I am some manic depressed woman who is on the edge of destruction! Because I look back at some of my posts like, wow....I really was down and low that day. But most days are normal days. And most days I am fine, I am laughing, I am smiling and I just go on about my day. :)

I will try to get on here as well when I am in good spirits, vs only writing when something is wrong or I am sad. I don't want this to be the most depressing blog ever posted for people to read. That's definitely not my intentions here! Good days, bad days...we all have em! ;)