It's sad that I wish I had a button that could fast forward time. I feel like I am always rushing everything. I want things to come now and have no desire to wait. But then you hear all of these stories of people losing their lives, and it makes you realize that while you are rushing your time...your time could be so limited! But on the flipside of that, since time is limited, why shouldn't you not want to rush those things you want in life so they can happen beforehand!?
(clearly I have too much time on my hands to be able to think about not having enough time) haha
I am still waiting on everything. My period, the results of the chromosome test, waiting to do my immunology testing, waiting to see if any of this shit matters or will even work, waiting to see if I will ever get a chance to have a baby. So many what ifs, so much waiting, nothing happening now.
I still can't believe I am in this situation. Sometimes I just sit here in complete shock that this is the road I have to travel. Infertility is NOT an issue in my family. Every single family member of mine has multiple kids and has never had any issues. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I am the one that has to deal with this bullshit. I should have had my baby by now. I should have been a mom. I should be feeding my kid solids right now, I should be watching him/her take their first steps!! I should be experiencing all of this at this moment. But it's just not the case. I come home to a home that just my husband and I share with our beloved dog. A room that I use as a closet for myself should be the baby's room. We said that when we moved into the place. That, that particular room was for when the baby comes. Now each and every time I sit in there to get ready, I think about that.
I don't understand why things happen. I guess some things are just meant to be left unanswered. Shit happens. That's the answer I guess. I can't control it. I can't do anything at this time. I just have to wait and see. And it's driving me mad. Typically I am fine, but days like today....man they hurt my soul. I want a baby so bad. I want my husband to experience fatherhood. I want him to be able to have a son or daughter that is HIS. He would be such an amazing father. I feel so guilty. Like I am robbing him of that experience. He is very good at telling me he is ok with everything and that he loves me, and supports me with whatever happens. Which is great, but doesn't take away the feeling that I let him down as a woman. As someone that could have and should have provided him with this opportunity every person who wants it should have. It really bums me out. I feel like such a failure.
I hate this.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Monday, January 18, 2016
Waiting, waiting and more waiting
I hate waiting. I am probably the most impatient person ever. I want things to happen when I want them to happen, so having no control over certain things drives me nuts!! I haven't stopped tracking my basal temp even though I am currently not TTC this month, just to keep a range of it for reference. So I am pretty sure I ovulated yesterday which is good, but sad. Another egg wasted, another opportunity missed. I hate that I have to constantly watch cycle after cycle go by and nothing comes out of it. It's so frustrating!!!
I am also waiting on these dang results from the tissue I submitted to come back!! I'm so eager to find out if they could determine if this is a chromosomal issue or not! Or if they could even determine ANYTHING from it at all!! It will at least point me in somewhat of a direction regardless the outcome. If it is, well that sucks, but we will most likely have to turn to IVF. But if we have to do that, might as well get that ball rolling now! I'm 37, times a' tickin!!! lol! And if it isn't, well we have a lot of NK Cell testing to do and tons of more research to determine wtf is going on!! Such a headache.
In the meantime, I see every other persons life moving onward and upward, while I sit here in limbo. I have hidden so many mothers, and mothers to be on my facebook because I simply just can't deal with looking at all of that right now. I hate to have to hide my friends, and I really am super happy for them...but looking at them have these perfect pregnancies and beautiful babies without a problem in the world just rubs salt in my wounds. Maybe I am being immature about it, whatever. It's how I feel and I already promised myself I would allow myself to feel any way I want about this. It's my way of spoiling myself after what I have gone through. So yeah, if I want to act like a baby at times...then so be it.
Anyway, I will update as soon as I get the results from the tissue sample. Until then...well, just going to enjoy this quiet day at work while others are enjoying their MLK day off!! Jerks!! haha
I am also waiting on these dang results from the tissue I submitted to come back!! I'm so eager to find out if they could determine if this is a chromosomal issue or not! Or if they could even determine ANYTHING from it at all!! It will at least point me in somewhat of a direction regardless the outcome. If it is, well that sucks, but we will most likely have to turn to IVF. But if we have to do that, might as well get that ball rolling now! I'm 37, times a' tickin!!! lol! And if it isn't, well we have a lot of NK Cell testing to do and tons of more research to determine wtf is going on!! Such a headache.
In the meantime, I see every other persons life moving onward and upward, while I sit here in limbo. I have hidden so many mothers, and mothers to be on my facebook because I simply just can't deal with looking at all of that right now. I hate to have to hide my friends, and I really am super happy for them...but looking at them have these perfect pregnancies and beautiful babies without a problem in the world just rubs salt in my wounds. Maybe I am being immature about it, whatever. It's how I feel and I already promised myself I would allow myself to feel any way I want about this. It's my way of spoiling myself after what I have gone through. So yeah, if I want to act like a baby at times...then so be it.
Anyway, I will update as soon as I get the results from the tissue sample. Until then...well, just going to enjoy this quiet day at work while others are enjoying their MLK day off!! Jerks!! haha
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
More Tests
I went to the doctor yesterday to discuss what my options were from here. When I walked into her office, she gave me a sad look and said she was sorry. Then from there, she got right down to business and I kind of felt the way she was speaking to me, it was if she is really taking me seriously now. Not to say she didn't before, but this time she was very direct. I think her, being a fertility specialist, letting her patient suffer another miscarriage really got to her. She is supposed to be there to help, and it happened now under her care. I don't think that sat well with her.
So she told me that she re-reviewed my entire file (which was starting to look more like the size of an encyclopedia) and felt she was 90% sure of the cause of all of this. She stated that NK Cells were never tested on me, because she felt that my blood clotting disorders were big enough that with the treatment of Lovenox, that, that would be the cure. She apologized for being wrong, and stated clearly that this is a lot bigger and more serious than that.
NK Cells, aka "Natural Killer Cells" are cells that help fight off infections and cancer type cells in your body. Everyone has them and they typically are a great thing. However, they can formulate in an excessive amount in some women, which in turn, if she gets pregnant, they recognize the embryo as a foreign object and instantly start attacking it. My doctor feels that I could potentially have an increased about of these cells and that is what is happening to me, and would explain why most of my miscarriages happen so early on. My body rejects it before they even realize that this is actually a good thing! Just add it to the list of things that are wrong with me. Well, potentially anyway.
Her being 90% sure is comforting, because there is a cure for this. I will be boosted up with steroids and other hormones to help suppress my immune system so these cells don't go on attack. However, if these results come back normal, and I don't have this issue, then we will most likely have to chalk everything up to simply bad eggs. Which is crazy since I have a great AMH level and my FSH level was great too! I'm only 37, so to have bad egg, after bad egg is a little nuts to fathom. There has to be ONE good egg in there for heavens sake!! I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, eat relatively good. I mean, cmon!!
Also - I saved the gestational sac from my miscarriage when I passed it, and gave it to them to send off for testing. That too will let us know if this was chromosomal or not. If they can hopefully use it and it's a good sample to test on. I will know those results in a couple of weeks.
So now, the gameplan. The NEW gameplan. I have to wait 1 cycle and have a regular period. I cannot get pregnant during this time so I have to be super careful with the husband. After my regular period comes at the end of this cycle, I will then go in for the full immunity panel. They will test everything and anything that has to do with my immune system. From there, really depends on the results. If my levels come back elevated, then we will proceed with the steroid cocktail. I will still have to do lovenox injections, only I will start them on cycle day 6 along with baby aspirin.
IF
these results come back negative, and my immunity is fine, then we will have to start looking into IVF. That way they can take a few eggs, study them to make sure they are viable before injecting the lab created embryo back in me. I really do not want to go down this route - since it's super expensive....but if I have no other choice, then so be it. It's what we will do. But I am praying that my answer will fall with the NK Cells and that we can cure this and move on naturally.
In the meantime, I am just going to take this little break I have from the baby making nonsense and get my mind, body and soul back on track. I really could use the break, even though I want to just go-go-go all of the time. Now I am being forced to wait...so might as well take advantage of it.
I played powerball for the 500 Mil jackpot. I figure, my odds that all of this going on with me is 1 in every 100 women. So why can't I be 1 in 292 million for the lucky numbers?! haha! ;)
So she told me that she re-reviewed my entire file (which was starting to look more like the size of an encyclopedia) and felt she was 90% sure of the cause of all of this. She stated that NK Cells were never tested on me, because she felt that my blood clotting disorders were big enough that with the treatment of Lovenox, that, that would be the cure. She apologized for being wrong, and stated clearly that this is a lot bigger and more serious than that.
NK Cells, aka "Natural Killer Cells" are cells that help fight off infections and cancer type cells in your body. Everyone has them and they typically are a great thing. However, they can formulate in an excessive amount in some women, which in turn, if she gets pregnant, they recognize the embryo as a foreign object and instantly start attacking it. My doctor feels that I could potentially have an increased about of these cells and that is what is happening to me, and would explain why most of my miscarriages happen so early on. My body rejects it before they even realize that this is actually a good thing! Just add it to the list of things that are wrong with me. Well, potentially anyway.
Her being 90% sure is comforting, because there is a cure for this. I will be boosted up with steroids and other hormones to help suppress my immune system so these cells don't go on attack. However, if these results come back normal, and I don't have this issue, then we will most likely have to chalk everything up to simply bad eggs. Which is crazy since I have a great AMH level and my FSH level was great too! I'm only 37, so to have bad egg, after bad egg is a little nuts to fathom. There has to be ONE good egg in there for heavens sake!! I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, eat relatively good. I mean, cmon!!
Also - I saved the gestational sac from my miscarriage when I passed it, and gave it to them to send off for testing. That too will let us know if this was chromosomal or not. If they can hopefully use it and it's a good sample to test on. I will know those results in a couple of weeks.
So now, the gameplan. The NEW gameplan. I have to wait 1 cycle and have a regular period. I cannot get pregnant during this time so I have to be super careful with the husband. After my regular period comes at the end of this cycle, I will then go in for the full immunity panel. They will test everything and anything that has to do with my immune system. From there, really depends on the results. If my levels come back elevated, then we will proceed with the steroid cocktail. I will still have to do lovenox injections, only I will start them on cycle day 6 along with baby aspirin.
IF
these results come back negative, and my immunity is fine, then we will have to start looking into IVF. That way they can take a few eggs, study them to make sure they are viable before injecting the lab created embryo back in me. I really do not want to go down this route - since it's super expensive....but if I have no other choice, then so be it. It's what we will do. But I am praying that my answer will fall with the NK Cells and that we can cure this and move on naturally.
In the meantime, I am just going to take this little break I have from the baby making nonsense and get my mind, body and soul back on track. I really could use the break, even though I want to just go-go-go all of the time. Now I am being forced to wait...so might as well take advantage of it.
I played powerball for the 500 Mil jackpot. I figure, my odds that all of this going on with me is 1 in every 100 women. So why can't I be 1 in 292 million for the lucky numbers?! haha! ;)
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