Bad news.

Well not even 5 minutes after writing the last post, I got some results back. And it's not good. My TNFa came back at 45.7 which is up from 37.1. Not good. Anything over 40 can damage egg quality they say. Clearly I am beyond disappointed. I really wanted to try again in July and now that has completely gone to shit. This has been the most frustrating ordeal I have ever experienced.

  I definitely am keeping the consultation for the Endometriosis laproscopy to see if that is what is causing the issues. I pray it is - because then I will finally have a reason. Because I am baffled as to why this is so high. It really sucks. So now, depending on when they will even schedule me in for the surgery - things are starting to get pushed back into the Aug/Sept timeframe. Which makes it 4-5 months since the LIT treatment which only lasts in your system for 9 months. Clearly time is an issue here.

  I feel like I have been gut punched. I feel like any hope to having my own child is just getting to be a dream that will never come true. I get so angry that so many women can get pregnant and enjoy their pregnancies. But I will NEVER get to have that. Even if I do get/remain pregnant - I will never enjoy it. Those entire 9 months will be lived in pure fear and worry. I won't get to joke about "no more after this!" or "This one was an accident" or even get to decide "we were only going to have one, but now we might go for another". I will be lucky if I get one.

 I am sorry. I am having a pity party for myself, and just downright sad. I am just so beat up. You can only be kicked so many times before you can no longer pick yourself up off the ground. I'm tired of getting up. I'm just so sick of it all.

  But I will pick myself up this time. And I will keep going. I have a little fight in me still, and I am going to do this for me and my husband. I cannot give up now, I have gone way too far. So I will just keep on doing what I need to do. Hopefully, someday, it will work out.