Results.

****Update: I spoke with my dr. and she is going to up the ante to 20mg of prednisone daily. So that should hopefully help with the inflammation. She also again advised I do the IVIg treatment pending a positive preg test. I am considering it. I just don't want to fuck around this time. I am tired of going through this crap month after month. So I may just suck it up, go into debt and see if it makes a difference or not. We will see****



Well, not the news I was hoping to hear. Got my TNF results in and my levels are still up.

TNF: 37.0
IFN: 23.4

My IFN level is up too, so I don't know what that means. Guess more inflammation for me, yay.

This is why I didn't want to retest, because these levels stress me out. I wrote my doctor letting her know the results (I called the lab this morning to see if they were in). I know she probably is so irritated with me that I do my own work when it comes to this. But honestly, she should be happy - I'm essentially doing her job! lol. I do all of the research/work and she just authorizes the medication. If I sat and waited around for them to contact me with the results - I would be waiting until next week. My old nurse sarah would be kind enough to email me the results once they came in...but she no longer works in that office. Now I have a bitch nurse I have to deal with that won't do those things. I have to come into the office and meet with the dr. to discuss things I already know - on top of paying a $40 co pay. It's bullshit and I am really getting fed up with this office.

Anyway, hopefully my doctor will respond and give me a higher dosage of prenisone. Hopefully that will help with the inflammation issues I clearly have. I am really bummed that I have been on the hydroxychloroquine for 3 months now and it hasn't lowered my TNF yet. I was really hoping that this drug would be my cure for that - and to spare me more aggressive treatment such as humira (which I am not thrilled about taking since it can open the door for cancers and such) as well as the super expensive IVIg treatment. But now I'm thinking I might not be able to get off the hook with that.

  Anyway...I should be ovulating tonight. I got my round of Intralipids yesterday and I think I timed it perfectly this time around. We have been DTD all week and will go again tonight on onward until I am sure I ovulated. No messing around this cycle.

If I do happen to get pregnant and still miscarry - it's off to see Dr. Braverman, Reproductive Immunologist in NY. He is the top Immunologist in the country and many people across the world go to him. NY isn't too far away and it will be worth it to work with someone who claims to have an 80% success rate. I am eager to get this sorted and after a year of trying with my doctor - shit just isn't working with her. Well - maybe it will - it's to be determined how this month goes still. But if not...buh bye to her and that practice.

Anyway - tick tock goes the clock....hopefully this month will be our month and will be the start of a new beginning for us. I am going to keep positive despite the bad news of the levels today. Stress doesn't help matters...so I am going to try my best to not stress out. Easier said than done...

Bad news.

Well not even 5 minutes after writing the last post, I got some results back. And it's not good. My TNFa came back at 45.7 which is up from 37.1. Not good. Anything over 40 can damage egg quality they say. Clearly I am beyond disappointed. I really wanted to try again in July and now that has completely gone to shit. This has been the most frustrating ordeal I have ever experienced.

  I definitely am keeping the consultation for the Endometriosis laproscopy to see if that is what is causing the issues. I pray it is - because then I will finally have a reason. Because I am baffled as to why this is so high. It really sucks. So now, depending on when they will even schedule me in for the surgery - things are starting to get pushed back into the Aug/Sept timeframe. Which makes it 4-5 months since the LIT treatment which only lasts in your system for 9 months. Clearly time is an issue here.

  I feel like I have been gut punched. I feel like any hope to having my own child is just getting to be a dream that will never come true. I get so angry that so many women can get pregnant and enjoy their pregnancies. But I will NEVER get to have that. Even if I do get/remain pregnant - I will never enjoy it. Those entire 9 months will be lived in pure fear and worry. I won't get to joke about "no more after this!" or "This one was an accident" or even get to decide "we were only going to have one, but now we might go for another". I will be lucky if I get one.

 I am sorry. I am having a pity party for myself, and just downright sad. I am just so beat up. You can only be kicked so many times before you can no longer pick yourself up off the ground. I'm tired of getting up. I'm just so sick of it all.

  But I will pick myself up this time. And I will keep going. I have a little fight in me still, and I am going to do this for me and my husband. I cannot give up now, I have gone way too far. So I will just keep on doing what I need to do. Hopefully, someday, it will work out.