Sad days

Just saw two pregnancy announcements in the matter of a week. Little baby sonogram pictures of their perfectly healthy little babies. Pictures I never even got to see. The only one I saw on a sonogram had a heartbeat of 50 and measured really small. When I saw it again, it was gone. Just a lifeless little dot on the screen.

  I try to be positive, and keep my spirits up. But sometimes seeing these announcements, as happy as I am for my friends and family that they are being blessed with a child, just stings my soul to the core. And while I usually feel sad and get a little down for a bit, today I actually cried. Maybe because it was two announcements back to back....or maybe I am just slipping on hope as each month goes by.

  I don't know if I will ever get my announcement. I don't know if I will ever see a healthy little baby on that screen. I have lost that excitement. And that really makes me so sad. We are trying again this week. I have not gone to the doctors for anything this month. But I am doing the same remedy as last month minus the high dosage of progesterone.

 Will it work? I don't know. Will I miscarry again? I simply don't know. These thoughts haunt me. But I will just take everything day by day. I will allow myself to be sad, like today. I have to get that grieving out. I have to allow myself to go through the emotions. If I don't...I don't think I will be strong enough to get through this.

With all of that said, today is a sad day. Today is hard. And that's ok.

Back to square 1.

Annd I'm out. Blood test came back negative as well as AF just arrived to seal the deal. So I'm officially out this month. I'm ok with it, and I am glad AF arrived so I can get it over with and prepare better in 2 weeks. Like I said I am not going to do all of the testing, and ultrasounds this time around. I will continue with the Lovenox, baby aspirin and only 1 progesterone pill a day. Hopefully that will help a bit and we will be successful next time with less pressure.

  I cannot believe this month will officially be 1 year since we have been trying. I see so many people who got married after we did who are already pregnant. I feel really sad that it hasn't happened for us yet. But I know it will...I have to believe that. Hopefully this will be our month....man I really hope this is our month.

BFN's

Welp, I have been taking HPT's now since 9DPO and all have come back negative. I am now 12 DPO and based on my past history, I have always gotten a line on my early result HPT's by now. So I am thinking I am out this month. I have an appt on weds to get my blood drawn to determine if I am or not, so I guess I'll officially know then.

  The thought of having to go through all of what I have been through again is heart sinking. The injections, the progesterone adverse reactions, the ultrasounds, the blood tests. Ugh. I can't even think about it anymore. It would figure that each and every time we have tried in the past, I have gotten pregnant. But now when I have all of this stuff to help make it stick...I get benched this month!

  I think if I truly am not pregnant this month, then next month I am going to take a step back from the invasive stuff. I am not going to get ultrasounds to see my follicles. I am not going to get ultrasounds to confirm ovulation. I am not going to get bloodwork to test my progesterone. I think all of that hype perhaps deterred it all from happening! I need to relax and chill out! And just let it happen!

 I am still going to do the shots and baby aspirin. And talk with my doctor about beginning progesterone (1 tablet a day on day 21). But other than that - I want to kind of be left alone when we attempt again. Not to mention - I can't friggen afford it!

So now I am just either waiting for AF or waiting for weds to confirm it all. Whatever will be, will be.

Progesterone?!

So it turns out it wasn't the Lovenox that was creating the weird side effects I was having, it was the progesterone!! Since last thurs I experienced rapid heart rate and chest pain. Over the past 2 days, the chest pain progressively got worse and started to really concern me. I told my doctors and they urged me to go straight to the ER.

  I went, knowing this would be a huge bill to add to the list, but hey better than dying I suppose. Their main concern was a pulmonary embolism in my lung which can be caused by progesterone. Since I have two clotting disorders...they wanted to be sure I didn't have that. So after numerous tests and an ekg, everything came back perfect. They just told me I was most likely having an adverse reaction to the progesterone and to stop taking it immediately.

  So I am happy that it wasn't the Lovenox, because that is what I truly feel I need. But I am scared because I have been on the progesterone for a week straight, 3 times a day. I hope my body doesn't crash off of it and it has a negative effect on my uterine lining. I asked my nurse if there was another type of progesterone I could take...like maybe a different brand! Or an oral pill? But she said she is going to consult with my doctor and get back to me. I have taken progesterone in the past, the oral kind, and I had no effects whatsoever! So I don't know why this one didn't do well with me? Sucks.

  As of now, I am still taking the baby aspirin and Lovenox and I just pray my natural progesterone will kick in and do it's job!

Always something, I tell ya!

Some days are better than others

It's so hard to see all of the babies being born around the time my babies should have been born. Every time I hear a new birth announcement I want to be so happy for that person, but the other half of me wants to just curl in a ball and cry.

I have good days, and I have bad days when it comes to coping with all of this. Today is hard. 

Lovenox

I have been on these Lovenox injections now since last Thursday (4 days now). I have had some weird side effects such as fast heart rate and also little red spots on my stomach. I contacted my nurse and she advised that I try switching to nighttime injections instead of morning injections. This will hopefully help me sleep through the crap and give it time to go through my system before I get up and moving.

 I will give it a shot! I expressed to her I do NOT want to stop taking this medication. I need this!! I don't know what I will do if I can no longer take it! So hopefully this suggestion works. In addition to that, man these progesterone hormone pills are making me SO insanely sleepy. I feel like I have been hit with a tranquilizer dart. Only 5 days past ovulation and I'm already feeling like I'm falling apart. Hopefully later this week I will know if we were successful or not! That will definitely lift my spirits if so!

I go in on wednesday to get my progesterone levels checked. Other than that...gotta keep on keepin on!

Day 1.

Well,  I went in for my ultrasound to check on my ovulation progress and my main follicle was breaking down. That combined with bloodwork confirmed that I had ovulated! Husband and I DTD over the past 3 days so I think we have a very good chance of conceiving this month! So everything on our end is done, now it's up to the balls of cells to hopefully align perfectly!

 This morning I started all of the medication. I did my first Lovenox injection! It wasn't so bad. It went in with no problems...my only complaint would be that it stings for like 7 minutes. Kinda feels like a bee sting. It's not the greatest, but it's definitely not as bad as I thought it would be! I'm just praying my body takes the medication well and I don't have any side effects. It's scary to start a new medication especially one as important as this one. If for some reason my body rejects the medicine, I don't know what we would do as far as treatment! So fingers crossed there! So far so good!

I also started the progesterone suppositories. Oh boy what fun! Get to take those 3 times a day! (blek). But it will help keep the uterine lining nice and thick for baby, so whatever it takes, I suppose!

I really hope we conceived this month! To do all of this and not be pregnant would be disappointing for sure! Poking myself in the tummy every day for a baby is one thing...poking myself for nothing is quite another! haha!

So now we wait. The longest wait ever! I hate waiting!! I'm so impatient. But I am just going to keep myself busy and just try not to think about everything! Because we are so far from being out of the woods it's not even funny! Hell, we haven't even entered the forest yet!

One day at a time...