Round 6!

So this happened over the weekend! 

Top is 8dpo and bottom is 9dpo. 

I am almost certain my days past ovulation is accurate because of my temp spike and positive opk before it spiked - but a line like this, this early? Well I am hoping that is a really good sign! I was feeling quite dizzy over the weekend and thought maybe I was having a reaction to the steroids since I up the dosage - but then I remembered the one that stuck the longest (8wks) I got a positive around 8dpo and felt dizzy too, so I went ahead and tested. I am glad I did - because the sooner I know the better. 

  I am now waiting for my doctors office to open so I can hopefully run over there to confirm it all with a blood test - then set up an intralipid session perhaps tomorrow. I am so torn between the ivig and intralipids...I don't know what to do - but I am leaning towards intralipids more. I don't know if it's the right choice - but I guess it's just a wait and see thing. If it doesn't work out - next time I am going to go in guns blazing. Ivig, humira, the whole shabang. I wish I kinda did that this time around - because the thought of losing another right now is gut wrenching. I really thought the hydroxychloroquine would have brought everything where it needed to be by now - but that doesn't seem to be the case. I am going to speak to my other doctor about perhaps uping the dosage on that too if this doesn't work out.

  I hate saying "if this doesn't work out" but it's a sad potential reality I have to face. I have been through this song and dance 5 times now, and as I am optimistic that the things I have done will hopefully make some sort of difference this time - I have to brace myself as well. I am not telling anyone but my husband and my sister. None of my close family members or friends reads this anyway (except virtual friends I made on forums and perhaps Tamera, hi Tamera! shhhhhh!!!) haha! So I don't have to really worry about writing here and word getting out. 

But for now and with that said - today I am pregnant! God bless this little bean, for however long it may be. <3

Results.

****Update: I spoke with my dr. and she is going to up the ante to 20mg of prednisone daily. So that should hopefully help with the inflammation. She also again advised I do the IVIg treatment pending a positive preg test. I am considering it. I just don't want to fuck around this time. I am tired of going through this crap month after month. So I may just suck it up, go into debt and see if it makes a difference or not. We will see****



Well, not the news I was hoping to hear. Got my TNF results in and my levels are still up.

TNF: 37.0
IFN: 23.4

My IFN level is up too, so I don't know what that means. Guess more inflammation for me, yay.

This is why I didn't want to retest, because these levels stress me out. I wrote my doctor letting her know the results (I called the lab this morning to see if they were in). I know she probably is so irritated with me that I do my own work when it comes to this. But honestly, she should be happy - I'm essentially doing her job! lol. I do all of the research/work and she just authorizes the medication. If I sat and waited around for them to contact me with the results - I would be waiting until next week. My old nurse sarah would be kind enough to email me the results once they came in...but she no longer works in that office. Now I have a bitch nurse I have to deal with that won't do those things. I have to come into the office and meet with the dr. to discuss things I already know - on top of paying a $40 co pay. It's bullshit and I am really getting fed up with this office.

Anyway, hopefully my doctor will respond and give me a higher dosage of prenisone. Hopefully that will help with the inflammation issues I clearly have. I am really bummed that I have been on the hydroxychloroquine for 3 months now and it hasn't lowered my TNF yet. I was really hoping that this drug would be my cure for that - and to spare me more aggressive treatment such as humira (which I am not thrilled about taking since it can open the door for cancers and such) as well as the super expensive IVIg treatment. But now I'm thinking I might not be able to get off the hook with that.

  Anyway...I should be ovulating tonight. I got my round of Intralipids yesterday and I think I timed it perfectly this time around. We have been DTD all week and will go again tonight on onward until I am sure I ovulated. No messing around this cycle.

If I do happen to get pregnant and still miscarry - it's off to see Dr. Braverman, Reproductive Immunologist in NY. He is the top Immunologist in the country and many people across the world go to him. NY isn't too far away and it will be worth it to work with someone who claims to have an 80% success rate. I am eager to get this sorted and after a year of trying with my doctor - shit just isn't working with her. Well - maybe it will - it's to be determined how this month goes still. But if not...buh bye to her and that practice.

Anyway - tick tock goes the clock....hopefully this month will be our month and will be the start of a new beginning for us. I am going to keep positive despite the bad news of the levels today. Stress doesn't help matters...so I am going to try my best to not stress out. Easier said than done...

It's that time of month again

So I have had so many thoughts and feelings these past couple of weeks and I am not sure about anything anymore. What I do know is, I am about to ovulate any day now. What I am not sure about is all of the steps I'm taking to ensure this one sticks. And I simply just don't like my REI doctor anymore. It sucks because there are very few immunology doctors in my area. And I feel like if I find a new doctor at this stage - I'm essentially starting over. Back to square 1. And I just don't know if I have the head for that. BUT. If I do miscarry again - I am finding a new doctor. Period.

 So here are my concerns.

1. Prednisone. I have read from many other women on my immunes forum that their doctors start them on at least 20mg of Prednisone from the day after ovulation until you get a positive pregnancy test. The reason they start the day after ovulation, is that there is a possibility that the steroid can interfere with ovulation. I started prednisone on cycle day 7 as my doctors instructions and these past two months have failed to conceive. I'm not entirely blaming the prednisone - I'm simply saying it hasn't happened while ON the prednisone. So who knows. I am going to go ahead and start AFTER ovulation, and hopefully I can ovulate naturally without any interruptions. I also questioned her today on being on such a low dose when others start on higher dosages. She stated that it all depends on my TNF levels and if they came down or not. Never once did she insist I have them retested to ensure my dosage of prednisone would be enough to be effective or not. So I am thinking the dosage would be - and now it may be too low to even matter. Very annoying. So now I am going in tomorrow to get my TNF level retested - and since it will be on a tuesday - my results probably won't be in til next week. I ovulate this week and need to start prenisone asap after ovulation. So who knows if the dosage is going to be enough - and I won't know that until I get those results. It's pretty shitty that I have to do all of this research, then approach my findings to my doctor for her to say "oh yeah, you need those levels retested before we can determine dosage"...she just automatically gave me a dose and didn't question further if it was even going to be enough!!! Highly irritated about that.

2. Progesterone. These past two months, I have passed a very large clot of tissue when I got my period. This never happened before and the only time I've passed tissue like that, is when I miscarried. I know for certain I wasn't pregnant - and still passed this tissue. So I looked it up and turns out if your lining is too thick, and can cause you to shed your lining at once. It's called a "decidual cast" and it basically comes out like the lining of your uterus. Pretty effing gross. This can happen with miscarriage, but can also happen with hormones. I never felt I had a progesterone issue. My periods were always like clockwork 28 days, 5 days of bleeding, ovulation normally at 14 days. Textbook cycles. Also whenever I would have scans - my lining would always be nice and thick...perfect. But my doctor wanted to put me on 600mg of progesterone after ovulation as a "just in case". Since then, every month these past two months I have passed these enormous clots of tissue. It also makes me wonder if that is why I haven't conceived as well. If the lining is way too thick - the baby can't implant. So that is just another thing I am changing this cycle. I am not starting progesterone after ovulation. I have decided I will go in on a day 7 past ovulation scan to check the lining of my uterus to make sure it is at the thickness it needs to be at and that my levels are good. If they aren't - I will then take the progesterone. But I am definitely skipping it this time around and going natural.

3. Intralipids. Last month I decided I wasn't going to do this until a positive test. Well I changed my mind and I am giving it one more go this month. I should ovulate during this week and not on a weekend so it should be easier to time a nurse accordingly. I just don't want to have any regrets on that if I do end up pregnant this month - I want to be sure I did the intralipids because they are important in this mess.

  So there you have it. I am not sure if taking matters into my own hands is a smart idea or not. I don't even know if all of this - whether I follow my doctors protocol or my own will make a difference regardless. I honestly feel I am still not being aggressive enough deep down. I feel that the things I am doing are just not going to cut it. But we will see. I have done so much research on this stuff just so I can get a better understanding with what is going on with me. I found about hydroxychloroquine which I have been on for 3 months. My doctor didn't want to prescribe that to me. I had to do it on my own and find a doctor who would listen. So I feel, when it comes to your health and your body, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. I am just another patient. I am nobody special to her. I am a dime a dozen in her waiting room. She doesn't truly care about my well being. I'm not saying she doesn't care - Im saying she doesn't care to the extent that I care. So that is why I need to follow my gut and do what I feel is right. Hell, I've done so much research sometimes I feel like I could be the damn doctor!

  Anyway, If I do miscarry again. I am dropping my doctor - and going a very hardcore route. I will make an appt with the top reproductive immunologist in the country - Dr. Braverman. And I will see what he can do for us. He states that 80% of his patients leave with a baby. He will be my last hope here. He is very expensive...but if I can just get and stay pregnant - it will all be worth it.

New Month

Started my period today. Gonna brush off last month and start this one with a positive outlook. November marks the 2 year anniversary of this very long journey of ours. 2 years in a row - I have successfully conceived in November (even though they didn't stick around). So hopefully I can shoot for 3 and it will actually stick around this time! :)

                                    Crazy it's been 2 years now. What a crazy ride it's been.

Sadness

Well, another month gone, and still nothing. I am just still waiting for my period to start and the wait is absolutely brutal. Because it plays tricks on your mind. You think - well there could still be a small chance I am...but as the days progress, and the negative tests still come, hope just fades away.

  Being in this situation is hard. It's hard to constantly swallow this pill month after month - as you watch others lives progress in ways you thought yours would. A new birth announcement, "it's a girl/boy" posts, "I'm pregnant" posts...baby bump posts. Kids halloween costume posts. My daughter said the cutest thing posts. "I took my kids to the pumpkin patch" posts. Everything stings. It all weighs heavily on me. And that sucks, because nobody is doing anything wrong. This is my own personal hell.

  Putting on a brave face day in and day out. Trying to be strong and happy, meanwhile I am slowly crumbling inside. I know I am in a funk right now, simply because another month is over and I have nothing to show for it. So this is me just being emotional over it all. But the simple fact of the matter is, I am sad. And I am just tired. I wish I could finally wake from this never ending nightmare. All I wanted was to start a family. Why is it so easy for some, yet impossible for others? I'll never make sense of this.

Funky temps

Usually my pre-O temps fall down in the 97.45 to 97.60 range, then after ovulation, they go up to the 98.04 to 98.45 range and stay there until I get my period or stay up if I am pregnant. Well, last thursday my temp was 97.70 - since then it's been raised to 98 degrees then falls down to 97.90 then back to 98 or higher. Needless to say this is very frustrating because in order to predict when you ovulated - you need a clear shift. .2 degrees or higher. Thursday was cycle day 12, and I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate that day. My cervix has been open until today - today it felt closed. I also took an OPK from thurs-sunday and yesterday I got the most positive out of the bunch. So I am assuming due to the slight ovulation pain I experienced on Sunday, and my sore boobs yesterday and today that I ovulated either late Saturday or sunday. I wish I could confirm with my temps but unfortunately I can't go by that tool this month.

  So I am guessing I am on 1DPO and I began taking my prednisone today. I will do my lovenox injections starting tonight and will start progesterone tomorrow (just to be sure). It sucks because I want to time these medications accurately but cannot due to not knowing when. So I just have to wing it. I had another intralipid infusion on Friday, so I really do pray I O'd over the weekend for it to be effective. Anything over 2 days it becomes useless.

  So here we go. Let the waiting begin!

Oh in other news, I fell down the stairs and sprained the crap out of my ankle on Saturday! Not the first time I've down that too. I am such a klutz! So now I am hobbling around, in pain. Just stick that into the pile of sucky things I have to deal with! haha! Yay me!

Still waiting

  The two week waiting period is the most brutal wait time. But as of yet, still nothing to report. I am either 12dpo or 10dpo right now. But my instincts are telling me I am 10dpo because my temp went back down that friday (cycle day 15) and my temps never go down post ovulation. And I typically (based on past charting) ovulate on cycle day 15. So it would all make sense that I would be 10dpo right now - which would mean it would still be slightly too early to get any results on a test. I am hoping by thursday I will know either way so I can move on with intralipids or I can stop lovenox. Either way, I am eager for a direction.

  I am feeling lots of symptoms of pregnancy, sore boobs, twinges in my ovaries, bloated, tired, etc..etc. But I am also on progesterone supplements so those can add to those symptoms, which means I cannot count on that whatsoever. I just have to wait and be patient.

  In the meantime, my belly is bruised from the lovenox injections, and I managed to boost my progesterone daily intake to 600mg which my doctor wanted without feeling any negative side effects as before (rapid heart rate). What I have been doing is taking the 100mg pills and using two at a time. (6 pills a day) So the mg is still low but still getting that 600mg daily. I don't know why that makes a difference vs the 200mg pills 3 x daily which I was originally prescribed - but it seems to be working so whatever.

  Other than that - same ol' ish different day! Hopefully in the next few days I will have more to report. Stay tuned!

Blogging

I just read the most inspiring blog! It was almost like I am reliving her hellish nightmare because she went through the EXACT same thing I am going through!! Only she has a very happy ending!!! She had 5 miscarriages, diagnosed with auto-immune issues, took the same steps I'm taking to treat it (minus the LIT), took HYDROXYCHLORIQUINE which I pushed so hard to get and then BAM. Got pregnant and it stuck! Now she has a beautiful little girl!!

  I can only hope my path ends as similar as hers! I am praying for that positive outcome! I don't know what this cycle will bring. I don't know if I have been on the hydroxychloroquine long enough for it to really do it's job! I don't know if I am trying too soon and setting myself up for failure again. But what I do know is I can't stop trying. Her blog was called "try, try, try again" and it's so true! You cannot quit! You must gather the courage and strength to ultimately obtain your dream! I cannot say this drug will be my saving grace. I don't know when or if I will get my happy ending. I may still be in store for more heartbreak before I finally get there. But I won't give up.

My inspiration:

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/kelly-moseley-mums-baby-joy-3030511

I lied.

Well, August is off. It is now being pushed to September! I know, sucks!! But my doctor thinks it's best I wait a month from surgery before trying again. She wants me to allow my body to heal and two weeks after surgery to try again just isn't enough time. I agree, reluctantly.

  So with another month to sit around, I have decided to become super proactive to gain a prescription for hydroxychloroquine. That drug that seems to be all the rage in the UK and around the world in helping women bring down their TNF levels. Yet my doctor seems to be completely tunnel visioned on what she wants to do to bring it down, and won't think outside of the box. So looks like I am going to have to for her., I have written my primary care doctor about it, and have made a pretty solid case as to why he should prescribe it to me. He is going to look into it and get back to me on Monday.

  Regardless if he decides to prescribe it to me or not, at least he is taking the time to research it and consider it for me. My fertility doctor just shut it down without a second thought which really pisses me off, as I have stated in previous posts. It takes a simple google search. She would rather put me through a treatment plan that my insurance won't cover, and will cost thousands of dollars, vs investigating a drug that my insurance WILL cover and will cost me maybe $10! The drug has stated it has hardly any side effects, is FDA Approved and is even safe to take during pregnancy. So WHAT is the big deal?! Oh let me just answer: it's cheap, and they won't make money off of me. That's why.

 So I am praying my primary care doctor - who this really doesn't effect one way or another - will give me the prescription so I can just try it for a month and see. If my levels don't go down in a month of taking it - then I will stop. But I just want to try!!! If he doesn't prescribe it - then I will make an appt with a rheumatoid doctor and try and get it that way. I don't care how many doors I need to knock on. I am determined to get this because from what I have researched and read, it seems to really work for some! I am willing to try anything at this point! GIVE ME THE DRUGS!!! hahaha

 I will keep you posted on my mission. I am not going down without a fight. And I am REALLY considering finding another fertility specialist. It just sucks when you have been dealing with someone for a year, to up and start over with another. But I am reaching that point. I need to find someone who will listen. That is key in a situation like this.

Post surgery

The surgery is done and boy and boy am I in pain! There is good news and bad news. I guess both is good news if you are a half glass full kind of person. I'm not. haha! The good news is that I don't have endometriosis. The bad news, is that I don't have endometriosis. I know what you're thinking....huh?! Let me explain. The point of this surgery was to find an explanation as to why my TNF is high. I was certain it had to be endometriosis. I had all of the symptoms of it and it would be an inflammation disorder which would explain so much. But it's just not the case. They did find one small little patch of discoloration tissue which he went ahead and took a biopsy of. But it wouldn't be enough to trigger this issue. And he had to reaaaallllly look for it, he said. His exact words were "everything in there looks pristine!" which is great! But wtf am I having miscarriages?! Why is my immune system being crazy if it's not endo?!?

   So basically, I am still left with no answers. Well, not true - I do have one answer...I know now it's not endo that is causing my TNF. So I can cross it off the list. And I do know now that I have truly looked into everything I can look at to figure this whole thing out. So if I go on to still miscarry - I know I have done all I could to prevent it so far.

 Where does that leave me from here? Well, I will go on to have my period this week (if it's not too messed up from surgery) and then I will go in to get my TNF levels retested. I will then decide if I need to do the IVIg and steroid treatment. My husband and I were talking, and this may seem a little wreckless, but we may just want to try again and see if the LIT would be enough to sustain the pregnancy. Either way, we are trying again in August. I have decided that I am going to go ahead regardless. I don't have much time to waste since the LIT is time crunching. And I don't want that to be for nothing.

 I will keep you updated on the progress of this month and how it all will unfold. I am bracing myself for whatever will come out of it. Whether good or bad. I know the realities and statistics and I am prepared. But I have to keep trying.

 On a side note - I have to give a shout out to my amazing husband. You never really know love until you experience someone who does anything and everything they can to help you in your time of need. I know it's what they are supposed to do. But I have never had any man be there for me the way he has. From just making me food, to helping me use the bathroom. He goes above and beyond anytime without any gripes. I am truly fortunate to have someone like him. He's quite special.

Ok that is enough for now. This upcoming month should get interesting. So stay tuned...

Testing...aggainn

Tomorrow will mark my final retesting of my NKCells and TH1/TH2 (to see if my TNFa has lowered). It's a big deal because this will lay down the bricks to see if I can TTC in July or not. I have several options based on what the results are.

1. I have an appt set up on June 29th for a consultation with a dr. regarding endometriosis. I want to see if I can get a laproscopy done to determine if I have it - and if so - to treat it. I have read that endometriosis can trigger inflammation which raises TNFa. So if I can find the culprit as to why my TNFa is being spiked - then maybe I can get it under control once and for all instead of just suppressing it with drugs. The cons of this is that the surgery always runs risks, and also - it will push our TTC time back to like Aug/Sept. Which is fine, but the LIT only lasts in your system for about 9 months. We are already on month 2 since the treatment. So I don't really have time to waste here.

2. If my TNFa is low enough to where it can be controlled/lowered with a shot of intralipids or sterioids, then maybe it can be suppressed enough to where it won't matter if endometriosis is an issue if I can keep it under control. Cons: drugs. Which I really don't like.

3. IVIg. This apparently is the best way to control TNFa. It resets your immune system and brings everything down. Con: EXPENSIVE. I really don't wish to spend $2500 per shot here. I mean, what if I get this damn shot - and I don't get pregnant right away! It's like tossing money down the toilet!!


So clearly you see my dilemmas. I have been taking so many supplements that I am PRAYING they will be good enough to knock it down the rest of the way naturally. My nightstand looks insane. I am on so many things! haha! I mean, the vitamins I have been taking knocked it down from 61.5 to 37.1 in a month. So it will definitely be interesting to see if it takes it down even further since my last test. I have also added some new ones in the mix so I am just praying they do the job!

Other than that...just have to wait and see. I really can't wait to try again. But I am nervous as all hell!! It's pretty scary stuff, but unfortunately, ya just have to grin and bear it in order to hopefully bring home that little rainbow. I have several virtual friends that I made online on my support forums that were in the same boat as me. Well, recurrent miscarriages, but different issues. But one just had a beautiful baby girl and the other is almost out of her scary 1st trimester! I am so happy for them, and hope that I will be next in line! We shall see how my cards play out....

New plans

I had my followup with my doctor last week. We went over the upcoming plans that we will need to prepare for TTC again in July. Basically, with the LIT procedure being effective, my only real obstacle that I have left is the high TNFa. I need to get that number down below 30. I have already been able to drop it down from 61.5 to 37.1 with supplements which is amazing. My doctor was really impressed - but it's not quite there. So I will keep on the supplements - even adding a few more in the cocktail - and retest everything in 2 weeks to see if there is any more improvement.

  If there is improvement - she will likely put me on intralipids to hopefully keep it down. However, she said the most effective thing to do to specifically target TNFa would be the IVIg. Which would suck because it's $2500 a shot. I feel I will have to do this regardless if it comes below 30 or not because inflammation can increase once pregnant and it can't come back up again. Sucks. '

  It's all so scary. One little thing can go wrong and boom, it's all over again. I have allowed myself 6 months to mentally prepare myself again. I gave myself a lot of time to get my mind right. While also clearly doing things to hopefully prevent it from happening again. But the thought will forever my engraved in my mind that nothing is guaranteed, and that another miscarriage is still very real and very likely. But it cannot stop me from trying again. I will do everything I can to try and prevent it. But it's just a sad fact I have to face that it just might happen again.

  Anyway, one step at a time. Right now, I am trying to eat better, exercise, and just live in the moment as best as I can. We will see where I am at in 2 weeks. From there, I will decide what the best course of action is. Baby steps. Yep. Baby steps to hopefully get baby steps one day. :)

Annnd more tests.

Just got back from the Hematologist and he basically agreed with my fertility dr that the high TNF's are the culprit. He took some more tests to look into a few more things and perhaps build a case to my insurance company to cover the IVIg shots to help suppress my immune system. If they can get that covered, that would be our best option. If they cannot, then we are looking into the intralipid/steroid option.

  We are still gathering our blood work panel for the Canadian clinic to have for our upcoming trip. I only have two more to do, husband has three. Hopefully we can get all of that done this week. I should have the results for todays labs this week as well. Hopefully things will all start coming together so we can formulate a solid plan. The estimation of when I plan to try again will be April. There just isn't enough time in March to get all of this sorted, so April should be a solid go for us.

 What a crazy ride this has been, but to finally be able to see a shed of light at the end of the tunnel is scary, but inspiring.

Waiting, waiting and more waiting

I hate waiting. I am probably the most impatient person ever. I want things to happen when I want them to happen, so having no control over certain things drives me nuts!! I haven't stopped tracking my basal temp even though I am currently not TTC this month, just to keep a range of it for reference. So I am pretty sure I ovulated yesterday which is good, but sad. Another egg wasted, another opportunity missed. I hate that I have to constantly watch cycle after cycle go by and nothing comes out of it. It's so frustrating!!!

  I am also waiting on these dang results from the tissue I submitted to come back!! I'm so eager to find out if they could determine if this is a chromosomal issue or not! Or if they could even determine ANYTHING from it at all!! It will at least point me in somewhat of a direction regardless the outcome. If it is, well that sucks, but we will most likely have to turn to IVF. But if we have to do that, might as well get that ball rolling now! I'm 37, times a' tickin!!! lol! And if it isn't, well we have a lot of NK Cell testing to do and tons of more research to determine wtf is going on!! Such a headache.

  In the meantime, I see every other persons life moving onward and upward, while I sit here in limbo. I have hidden so many mothers, and mothers to be on my facebook because I simply just can't deal with looking at all of that right now. I hate to have to hide my friends, and I really am super happy for them...but looking at them have these perfect pregnancies and beautiful babies without a problem in the world just rubs salt in my wounds. Maybe I am being immature about it, whatever. It's how I feel and I already promised myself I would allow myself to feel any way I want about this. It's my way of spoiling myself after what I have gone through. So yeah, if I want to act like a baby at times...then so be it.

  Anyway, I will update as soon as I get the results from the tissue sample. Until then...well, just going to enjoy this quiet day at work while others are enjoying their MLK day off!! Jerks!! haha

5th loss

Well, my fears turned out to be true. Monday I went to get my HCG blood work done, and the results came back at 23 which is very low. We thought that maybe we were just catching it very early and to test again in two days. So on Wednesday morning a test again and those results came back at 24.8. Clearly it was not doubling as it should which means the pregnancy most likely is not viable. 

   I will more than likely miscarry this one in the same timeframe as my others at 4wks 5 days. I am now currently 4 weeks 3 days. I've already experienced some slight cramping but still no bleeding as of yet. They want me to go in on Saturday for another blood draw to see where my levels are at. Honestly I just kind a wish I would just miscarry before then so I don't have to go.

  I don't really know where to go from here, the medicine I took clearly didn't work. This last cycle was a little weird. I never even thought I ovulated which obviously I did. Maybe everything was just funky that cycle. I don't know what to think anymore. I guess this means more testing for hopefully other potential things that could be causing this. I never got tested for endometriosis, which I think I'd like it to be my next step. 

I also don't remember them testing for NK killer cells which apparently can later early loss. I'm going to get to the very bottom of this to figure out what the hell is going on with me. It seems everything is functioning as it should, it just cannot stick. 

I don't know if I'll be able to carry my own children. I can't afford anyone else to carry my child for me, and certainly don't have any volunteers for the job. So I guess all there is left to do is just to keep trying and hope that maybe one of them will stick. 

In the meantime I'm just gonna try to keep my mind healthy because I feel myself slipping into a dark place. I'm starting to lose hope and I don't know how much more I can take of this. And after five consecutive losses I don't know how much more my body can take. 

We are officially going on our second year trying. Maybe 2016 will be a little better to me. Here's hoping.

POSA

I have entered the "pee on a stick addiction" portion of the month, where I test everyday and then strain my eyeballs trying to see any hint of a line. This month was odd. I never could determine if or when I ovulated because my temps never shifted to much. It raised about .17 degrees and then stayed put like that for days! Usually I have about a pretty significant temp shift but not this month. Fertility Friend can't even detect if I O'ed or not. So I just had to guess when it *may* have happened and based my meds off of that. Very frustrating I tell ya!!

  It's so irritating that I was so solid at predicting and achieving when to DTD to conceive. I succeeded at every try before I realized what might be going on with me. Now that I could potentially have a fix, it's just not happening. It's like the Gods above are playing some sort of evil trick out on me. Depeche Mode has a lyric that rings true for me with this whole mess I've been going through. It goes "I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors but I think that God has a sick sense of humor and when I die, I expect to find him laughing". Yep. Pretty much.

  But I have good news to report!! My doctor agreed to prescribe me 100mg of Progesterone! So I took my first dose last friday, scared shitless that it was going to make my heart start racing again....and then.......nothing!!! I felt fine!!! The entire night I slept fine and didn't wake up at all! So the next morning, I decided to play with fate and took a morning dose as well (since I would like to up the ante a bit more than just 100mg a day). And again....felt fine!!! I could take 200 mg, 100 in the morning and 100 at night and not be bothered by evil side effects other than feeling a bit groggy. Which is normal!! So yesterday, I really decided to play with fire by adding a mid day dose. 300mg a day. 100 in the morning, 100 in the middle of the day, and 100 at night. I sat on this idea for a few and said, F it. If it bothers me, I will cut it back to just 200mg. So I went for it, and again.....felt fine!!!! So now I can take 300mg with no issues!! Yay! Guess my body just handles it better in small doses!

   I'm really excited about that because I simply don't know if I have a progesterone issue, but it can be a huge reason why people miscarry. My temps never shifted up much this month and my AF came on day 25 last month which was odd for me. Those can be indicators of low progesterone. So now you understand my excitement that if that truly is the case, then I can take these pills to help fix the problem with no issues!! :) After I started the pills, my temps are now where they are suppose to be at this stage, and my boobs are KILLING me. SUPER sore. So that proves the medicine is doing it's job! :)

   Anyway, well I will keep this updated as the week progresses to let you know if I succeeded or if it's back to the ol' drawing board. In the meantime, I am still preparing for Christmas and getting this in order for that. Only 1 more day of this work week and then it's a lovely 4 day weekend! Can't wait!

Dropping by

Dropping in today just to write a few things down. I have been pretty busy these past couple of weeks with the holidays, Christmas shopping, my 37th birthday..etc..etc. This time of year is always so exciting, but suppperrrr busy. I am really looking forward to next weekend because it's the first weekend I will have to myself in WEEKS. We aren't going anywhere, have nothing planned...it's going to be awesome! 

  On Dec 4th, I turned 37. We went to New york to go see Saturday night live which was AMAZING! Ryan Gosling was the host and Mike Myers also came out for a quick cameo. As the band was playing, Justin Timberlake was right below us just chatting with Lorne Michaels! It was really surreal! Afterwards, we got to tour the entire studio, backstage, stand ON the stage, and then tour Jimmy Fallons and Seth Myers studios as well!! My moms friend works for SNL and gave us the royal VIP treatment! It was beyond amazing!! 

  So needless to say, I had an amazing birthday. And although I am NOT happy about turning 37, it definitely took the sting out of it all! ;)

  On a TTC update, well not much really to report there. We are in the TTC phase and I am expecting to ovulate any day now. It's being a little delayed this month for some reason. I'm on cycle day 16 and nothing as of yet. Also, my last period came early on day 25. So I don't know what is going on with me. I hope my system isn't starting to get all wonky on me now!! I need it to stay relatively stable so I can predict things easier, but of course..that would be TOO easy...and nothing comes easy for me!

  So I sit here and I wait. We are DTD every night until I can confirm it has happened. The husband is being a good sport, but it sucks because I would like to get this show on the road!! Today I felt some twinges in my ovaries so hopefully things are finally progressing! 

In other news, I spoke with my nurse and since my dumb insurance won't cover the new progesterone I wanted to try, we are going to give the prometrium one last ditch effort. Only this time we are going to minimize the dosage to 2 100mg pills a day. So one in the morning and one at night. That will hopefully be a low enough dosage to where I won't have such side effects from it. I am crossing my fingers, especially after my period came early last month. That could hint at a progesterone issue and I don't even want to deal with the thought of not doing anything I can to prevent another disaster. So if I can take these pills to ensure I am good in that dept...bring it. I just pray my body will react better to the lower dosage. Will keep ya posted! 

Strike two

Well, haven't updated in a few weeks and it's just because there really hasn't been much going on. I TTC again 2 weeks ago and unfortunately AF arrived yesterday, so clearly I'm out again. It's pretty frustrating. It's like, this past year whenever I have tried, we succeeded no problem! But now that I actually have a remedy to try to hopefully make the pregnancy last...I cannot even get pregnant now! I can't win!

 I'm wondering if the Lovenox is just making things a little too thin for conception. Like, what if my blood is just too thin to build a decent uterine lining. I have read that this could be an issue, which is why many doctors like to wait until after you get a positive pregnancy test. My only issue is that my losses are so early. Like a couple of days after my missed period. Which is why I was told to start after ovulation, to help prevent any microclots from forming beforehand.

 However, I am also taking baby aspirin as well. So, this next time around - I think I am going to continue the baby aspirin all throughout my cycle. But I am going to hold off taking the Lovenox until after I get a bfp. That way maybe things can develop naturally for a bit. I am hoping the baby aspirin will be enough to prevent any tiny clots from forming and then the Lovenox can seal the deal after the BFP. This is all my non-scientific, non medical opinion. I have no idea if it will work or not. I might be setting myself up for another loss. But I have got to try something different since clearly this isn't working. And ironically it stopped working once I started the blood thinners. So I am sort of linking them together here.

 Anyway, I'm on day 2 of my AF. Hopefully it will pack up and get the f$%k out of here by the weekeend. My 37th birthday is on friday and my mom managed to miraculously get a hold of 2 tickets to go see Saturday Night Live in NYC!!! Unreal!! So my husband and I will be heading north for the weekend for that! Very exciting! It will help take my mind off of things as well. Then the next week we will be back to trying again. Maybe we will get some Christmas magic sprinkled upon us this time around. We shall see...

Sad days

Just saw two pregnancy announcements in the matter of a week. Little baby sonogram pictures of their perfectly healthy little babies. Pictures I never even got to see. The only one I saw on a sonogram had a heartbeat of 50 and measured really small. When I saw it again, it was gone. Just a lifeless little dot on the screen.

  I try to be positive, and keep my spirits up. But sometimes seeing these announcements, as happy as I am for my friends and family that they are being blessed with a child, just stings my soul to the core. And while I usually feel sad and get a little down for a bit, today I actually cried. Maybe because it was two announcements back to back....or maybe I am just slipping on hope as each month goes by.

  I don't know if I will ever get my announcement. I don't know if I will ever see a healthy little baby on that screen. I have lost that excitement. And that really makes me so sad. We are trying again this week. I have not gone to the doctors for anything this month. But I am doing the same remedy as last month minus the high dosage of progesterone.

 Will it work? I don't know. Will I miscarry again? I simply don't know. These thoughts haunt me. But I will just take everything day by day. I will allow myself to be sad, like today. I have to get that grieving out. I have to allow myself to go through the emotions. If I don't...I don't think I will be strong enough to get through this.

With all of that said, today is a sad day. Today is hard. And that's ok.

Back to square 1.

Annd I'm out. Blood test came back negative as well as AF just arrived to seal the deal. So I'm officially out this month. I'm ok with it, and I am glad AF arrived so I can get it over with and prepare better in 2 weeks. Like I said I am not going to do all of the testing, and ultrasounds this time around. I will continue with the Lovenox, baby aspirin and only 1 progesterone pill a day. Hopefully that will help a bit and we will be successful next time with less pressure.

  I cannot believe this month will officially be 1 year since we have been trying. I see so many people who got married after we did who are already pregnant. I feel really sad that it hasn't happened for us yet. But I know it will...I have to believe that. Hopefully this will be our month....man I really hope this is our month.