LIT cancelled.

Unfortunately, my LIT appointment has been postponed until further notice. One of the required test results that I had to do for the procedure came back "indeterminate" for a particular virus HTLV. It means that I may or may not have this virus. Which, if I did, would be utterly insane. But I am thinking this has got to be just a mistake. I don't know anymore.

  Yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything I was hoping to try to get done that made me hopeful for my future, came crumbling down in an instant. My entire Canadian trip for this weekend has now been cancelled due to this. I go in to get retested tomorrow. If it comes back ok - I can proceed at least with the LIT. If not, well, looks like I'm up shits creek.

  Maybe this just isn't meant to be. Maybe it's just not in the cards for me. I am so tired. I am physically and emotionally drained. I don't think I have much gas left in my tank to continue this nightmare. I just feel like it doesn't end.

Time

It's sad that I wish I had a button that could fast forward time. I feel like I am always rushing everything. I want things to come now and have no desire to wait. But then you hear all of these stories of people losing their lives, and it makes you realize that while you are rushing your time...your time could be so limited! But on the flipside of that, since time is limited, why shouldn't you not want to rush those things you want in life so they can happen beforehand!?

(clearly I have too much time on my hands to be able to think about not having enough time) haha

 I am still waiting on everything. My period, the results of the chromosome test, waiting to do my immunology testing, waiting to see if any of this shit matters or will even work, waiting to see if I will ever get a chance to have a baby. So many what ifs, so much waiting, nothing happening now.

  I still can't believe I am in this situation. Sometimes I just sit here in complete shock that this is the road I have to travel. Infertility is NOT an issue in my family. Every single family member of mine has multiple kids and has never had any issues. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I am the one that has to deal with this bullshit. I should have had my baby by now. I should have been a mom. I should be feeding my kid solids right now, I should be watching him/her take their first steps!! I should be experiencing all of this at this moment. But it's just not the case. I come home to a home that just my husband and I share with our beloved dog. A room that I use as a closet for myself should be the baby's room. We said that when we moved into the place. That, that particular room was for when the baby comes. Now each and every time I sit in there to get ready, I think about that.

  I don't understand why things happen. I guess some things are just meant to be left unanswered. Shit happens. That's the answer I guess. I can't control it. I can't do anything at this time. I just have to wait and see. And it's driving me mad. Typically I am fine, but days like today....man they hurt my soul. I want a baby so bad. I want my husband to experience fatherhood. I want him to be able to have a son or daughter that is HIS. He would be such an amazing father. I feel so guilty. Like I am robbing him of that experience. He is very good at telling me he is ok with everything and that he loves me, and supports me with whatever happens. Which is great, but doesn't take away the feeling that I let him down as a woman. As someone that could have and should have provided him with this opportunity every person who wants it should have. It really bums me out. I feel like such a failure.

I hate this.