Hits home.

"I don't know what's right and what's real...anymore.

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel, anymore.

When do you think it will all become clear?

Cause I'm being taken over by the fear."

Negative

Got some VERY great news today! My retest for HTLV came back negative!!!! FINALLY something going my way!!! What a relief! Man that was nerve racking!! Going a whole week and a 1/2 wondering if you have some weird virus! As if I needed that additional stress in my life!!

  But I am so happy to receive this news today! I sent the results to the Canadian clinic so hopefully we can reschedule the LIT appts and get this train back on track! I'm bummed we wasted this weekend for nothing since I literally could be having the procedure as I type. But it is what it is. Honestly, this past weekend, I did nothing. I vegged out and completely took the time to just unwind and relax. So it really was a nice chill weekend which is exactly what I needed.

 I guess everything happens for a reason - so maybe we just weren't supposed to go this past weekend. Who knows. Anyway, I will keep you posted on when I reschedule my appt!

Today is a good day! :)

***UPDATE***

I rescheduled my LIT appts. My first round will be on April 4th, and the second round will be April 25th. Once that is done I have to wait 3 weeks to retest the LAD and see if it worked. Fingers crossed!

Desperate times

I am in a mild panic mode as of late. After tallying up what everything will cost for all of this treatment, I am not sure how we are going to be able to swing this. I mean, the blood test of option 2 will cost $5,000 PER TREATMENT. And I have to have like at least 3! IVF costs around 15k each time. The option 3 treatment of intralipids and steroids costs like $500 per treatment - which sounds better - only I have to take that until I am well in my second trimester....so that will add up to like 15k as well. Then add in hospital bills, tests, genetics, bla bla bla bla bla. And that's even if all of this stuff will even work!!!! I see myself slowly sinking further and further into debt and I don't know what to do. I don't think I will ever be able to pull myself out after all is said and done. It will be a lifelong struggle with or without the prize of a child.

  It makes me so sad. All I want is to be a mom. And I just feel that those odds are so stacked against me right now. It really sucks. I am trying my best to remain positive...but man, it's really hard these days. :(

 I don't understand why insurance will cover the cost for a smoker to get better, but won't cover anything infertility related. It makes NO sense to me. My issues are a big deal! My immune system is on overdrive for some reason! I have three major blood clotting issues that without these tests I wouldn't have any clue about. If I don't take baby aspirin every day...I could have developed a clot and had a stroke! These tests helped me prevent all of that from happening! Yet my insurance doesn't feel it's necessary to cover!? Insane.

Time

It's sad that I wish I had a button that could fast forward time. I feel like I am always rushing everything. I want things to come now and have no desire to wait. But then you hear all of these stories of people losing their lives, and it makes you realize that while you are rushing your time...your time could be so limited! But on the flipside of that, since time is limited, why shouldn't you not want to rush those things you want in life so they can happen beforehand!?

(clearly I have too much time on my hands to be able to think about not having enough time) haha

 I am still waiting on everything. My period, the results of the chromosome test, waiting to do my immunology testing, waiting to see if any of this shit matters or will even work, waiting to see if I will ever get a chance to have a baby. So many what ifs, so much waiting, nothing happening now.

  I still can't believe I am in this situation. Sometimes I just sit here in complete shock that this is the road I have to travel. Infertility is NOT an issue in my family. Every single family member of mine has multiple kids and has never had any issues. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I am the one that has to deal with this bullshit. I should have had my baby by now. I should have been a mom. I should be feeding my kid solids right now, I should be watching him/her take their first steps!! I should be experiencing all of this at this moment. But it's just not the case. I come home to a home that just my husband and I share with our beloved dog. A room that I use as a closet for myself should be the baby's room. We said that when we moved into the place. That, that particular room was for when the baby comes. Now each and every time I sit in there to get ready, I think about that.

  I don't understand why things happen. I guess some things are just meant to be left unanswered. Shit happens. That's the answer I guess. I can't control it. I can't do anything at this time. I just have to wait and see. And it's driving me mad. Typically I am fine, but days like today....man they hurt my soul. I want a baby so bad. I want my husband to experience fatherhood. I want him to be able to have a son or daughter that is HIS. He would be such an amazing father. I feel so guilty. Like I am robbing him of that experience. He is very good at telling me he is ok with everything and that he loves me, and supports me with whatever happens. Which is great, but doesn't take away the feeling that I let him down as a woman. As someone that could have and should have provided him with this opportunity every person who wants it should have. It really bums me out. I feel like such a failure.

I hate this.

Dropping by

Dropping in today just to write a few things down. I have been pretty busy these past couple of weeks with the holidays, Christmas shopping, my 37th birthday..etc..etc. This time of year is always so exciting, but suppperrrr busy. I am really looking forward to next weekend because it's the first weekend I will have to myself in WEEKS. We aren't going anywhere, have nothing planned...it's going to be awesome! 

  On Dec 4th, I turned 37. We went to New york to go see Saturday night live which was AMAZING! Ryan Gosling was the host and Mike Myers also came out for a quick cameo. As the band was playing, Justin Timberlake was right below us just chatting with Lorne Michaels! It was really surreal! Afterwards, we got to tour the entire studio, backstage, stand ON the stage, and then tour Jimmy Fallons and Seth Myers studios as well!! My moms friend works for SNL and gave us the royal VIP treatment! It was beyond amazing!! 

  So needless to say, I had an amazing birthday. And although I am NOT happy about turning 37, it definitely took the sting out of it all! ;)

  On a TTC update, well not much really to report there. We are in the TTC phase and I am expecting to ovulate any day now. It's being a little delayed this month for some reason. I'm on cycle day 16 and nothing as of yet. Also, my last period came early on day 25. So I don't know what is going on with me. I hope my system isn't starting to get all wonky on me now!! I need it to stay relatively stable so I can predict things easier, but of course..that would be TOO easy...and nothing comes easy for me!

  So I sit here and I wait. We are DTD every night until I can confirm it has happened. The husband is being a good sport, but it sucks because I would like to get this show on the road!! Today I felt some twinges in my ovaries so hopefully things are finally progressing! 

In other news, I spoke with my nurse and since my dumb insurance won't cover the new progesterone I wanted to try, we are going to give the prometrium one last ditch effort. Only this time we are going to minimize the dosage to 2 100mg pills a day. So one in the morning and one at night. That will hopefully be a low enough dosage to where I won't have such side effects from it. I am crossing my fingers, especially after my period came early last month. That could hint at a progesterone issue and I don't even want to deal with the thought of not doing anything I can to prevent another disaster. So if I can take these pills to ensure I am good in that dept...bring it. I just pray my body will react better to the lower dosage. Will keep ya posted!