Retested...and now we wait.

So yesterday I went in to get retested for the LAD (to see if LIT worked) as well as the TNFa. Now the waiting game begins. I hate this part because I just want to know now!! But they take sooooooo long to get you the results! I am hoping it's not like last time where it almost took 2 weeks! That will be brutal. But it's done!

  The retesting kind of was a nightmare. Apparently the phlebotomist up and quit suddenly - and left my nurse high and dry doing the tests. Well she didn't know what color tubes the specific blood test was used for and we had to call the lab that runs the tests to walk her through what she needed to do with it. Naturally this kind of upset me because I don't want any hiccups with this retesting. The blood has to arrive at the lab within 24 hours - I just hope it got there in time. But I am going to try and not stress...we will just wait for the results.

So that's that. Stay tuned...

Start of a new month

Well today I finally got my period. Now that it's here I can start preparing what this month will bring. Hopefully lots of answers and solutions! I guess I am to go in to the doctors on my day 3 to begin some tests. I think my dr. wants to retest my AMH levels, since she said they can always change. My last AMH testing was back in Sept. The numbers were great so I am hoping nothing has changed too drastically. It's always nerve wracking when you get older and you have to go in for these tests. As if aging wasn't hard enough - you have to have constant reminder tests that your eggs are too. oy.

   It would be awesome if we could get all of these tests and whatnot done so I can start trying again soon. I hate when days like today happen when I get my period and I know, that was just another egg gone. I feel like my time is just ticking right on by and each month is just another step closer to menopause! haha. Scary to think about. =/

  Anyway, I am eager to get to the bottom of everything needless to say. I am emotionally unstable as far as all of this. I am up and down all of the time. I know it's good that I was forced to wait, because I need this time to heal and prepare for the next round. Which I am doing, slowly but surely. But it would be cool if we do these tests and the doctor is like "yep, this is the problem, take this and do that and try again whenever you want!" and then boom, it works and everything is peachy! That's my perfect world. haha! But the reality is, I will have to do these tests, it may provide answers, it may not. And I will more than likely be told to wait until next month so now we are looking at March at the earliest. I just turned 37 in Dec and it is already FLYING by!!

  I also am STILLLLLL waiting for the results of the tissue sample. My God it is taking FOR-EV-ER. I called my nurse to see what the hold up was and she is going to call them today to see if she can find out what is taking so long. And hopefully they can just tell her what the results were!! So I don't know if it will be today that I will know anything - but I am confident it will be sometime this week. I will post as soon as I hear something. :)

In other news, my mom came and visited me this weekend which was nice. It's always nice to get some mom time in, especially when you are going through hard times. Nothing like the comfort of your momma. We watched a lot of movies this weekend. The Revenant, The Martian and Everest. All GREAT movies, but if I had to recommend one, The Martian is a MUST SEE!! I loved it!! The Revenant was good, a little long but Leo's acting was great. And Everest was really good too, very sad. Based on a true story which always tugs at the heartstrings a little harder. But The Martian - yeah...phenomenal!!

Ok that's enough of my movie reviews! (Sometimes you have to go a little off topic to get your mind off of things!!) ;)

Time

It's sad that I wish I had a button that could fast forward time. I feel like I am always rushing everything. I want things to come now and have no desire to wait. But then you hear all of these stories of people losing their lives, and it makes you realize that while you are rushing your time...your time could be so limited! But on the flipside of that, since time is limited, why shouldn't you not want to rush those things you want in life so they can happen beforehand!?

(clearly I have too much time on my hands to be able to think about not having enough time) haha

 I am still waiting on everything. My period, the results of the chromosome test, waiting to do my immunology testing, waiting to see if any of this shit matters or will even work, waiting to see if I will ever get a chance to have a baby. So many what ifs, so much waiting, nothing happening now.

  I still can't believe I am in this situation. Sometimes I just sit here in complete shock that this is the road I have to travel. Infertility is NOT an issue in my family. Every single family member of mine has multiple kids and has never had any issues. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I am the one that has to deal with this bullshit. I should have had my baby by now. I should have been a mom. I should be feeding my kid solids right now, I should be watching him/her take their first steps!! I should be experiencing all of this at this moment. But it's just not the case. I come home to a home that just my husband and I share with our beloved dog. A room that I use as a closet for myself should be the baby's room. We said that when we moved into the place. That, that particular room was for when the baby comes. Now each and every time I sit in there to get ready, I think about that.

  I don't understand why things happen. I guess some things are just meant to be left unanswered. Shit happens. That's the answer I guess. I can't control it. I can't do anything at this time. I just have to wait and see. And it's driving me mad. Typically I am fine, but days like today....man they hurt my soul. I want a baby so bad. I want my husband to experience fatherhood. I want him to be able to have a son or daughter that is HIS. He would be such an amazing father. I feel so guilty. Like I am robbing him of that experience. He is very good at telling me he is ok with everything and that he loves me, and supports me with whatever happens. Which is great, but doesn't take away the feeling that I let him down as a woman. As someone that could have and should have provided him with this opportunity every person who wants it should have. It really bums me out. I feel like such a failure.

I hate this.

Waiting, waiting and more waiting

I hate waiting. I am probably the most impatient person ever. I want things to happen when I want them to happen, so having no control over certain things drives me nuts!! I haven't stopped tracking my basal temp even though I am currently not TTC this month, just to keep a range of it for reference. So I am pretty sure I ovulated yesterday which is good, but sad. Another egg wasted, another opportunity missed. I hate that I have to constantly watch cycle after cycle go by and nothing comes out of it. It's so frustrating!!!

  I am also waiting on these dang results from the tissue I submitted to come back!! I'm so eager to find out if they could determine if this is a chromosomal issue or not! Or if they could even determine ANYTHING from it at all!! It will at least point me in somewhat of a direction regardless the outcome. If it is, well that sucks, but we will most likely have to turn to IVF. But if we have to do that, might as well get that ball rolling now! I'm 37, times a' tickin!!! lol! And if it isn't, well we have a lot of NK Cell testing to do and tons of more research to determine wtf is going on!! Such a headache.

  In the meantime, I see every other persons life moving onward and upward, while I sit here in limbo. I have hidden so many mothers, and mothers to be on my facebook because I simply just can't deal with looking at all of that right now. I hate to have to hide my friends, and I really am super happy for them...but looking at them have these perfect pregnancies and beautiful babies without a problem in the world just rubs salt in my wounds. Maybe I am being immature about it, whatever. It's how I feel and I already promised myself I would allow myself to feel any way I want about this. It's my way of spoiling myself after what I have gone through. So yeah, if I want to act like a baby at times...then so be it.

  Anyway, I will update as soon as I get the results from the tissue sample. Until then...well, just going to enjoy this quiet day at work while others are enjoying their MLK day off!! Jerks!! haha