5th loss

Well, my fears turned out to be true. Monday I went to get my HCG blood work done, and the results came back at 23 which is very low. We thought that maybe we were just catching it very early and to test again in two days. So on Wednesday morning a test again and those results came back at 24.8. Clearly it was not doubling as it should which means the pregnancy most likely is not viable. 

   I will more than likely miscarry this one in the same timeframe as my others at 4wks 5 days. I am now currently 4 weeks 3 days. I've already experienced some slight cramping but still no bleeding as of yet. They want me to go in on Saturday for another blood draw to see where my levels are at. Honestly I just kind a wish I would just miscarry before then so I don't have to go.

  I don't really know where to go from here, the medicine I took clearly didn't work. This last cycle was a little weird. I never even thought I ovulated which obviously I did. Maybe everything was just funky that cycle. I don't know what to think anymore. I guess this means more testing for hopefully other potential things that could be causing this. I never got tested for endometriosis, which I think I'd like it to be my next step. 

I also don't remember them testing for NK killer cells which apparently can later early loss. I'm going to get to the very bottom of this to figure out what the hell is going on with me. It seems everything is functioning as it should, it just cannot stick. 

I don't know if I'll be able to carry my own children. I can't afford anyone else to carry my child for me, and certainly don't have any volunteers for the job. So I guess all there is left to do is just to keep trying and hope that maybe one of them will stick. 

In the meantime I'm just gonna try to keep my mind healthy because I feel myself slipping into a dark place. I'm starting to lose hope and I don't know how much more I can take of this. And after five consecutive losses I don't know how much more my body can take. 

We are officially going on our second year trying. Maybe 2016 will be a little better to me. Here's hoping.

Worries

Here I am again. The excitement has worn down and fear has now set in. Things are slowly changing in my "symptoms" that have me concerned. First, I do vaginal progesterone suppositories, and when I went to insert my morning pill, I checked my cervix and it felt really open. That's not good. Second, my boobs aren't hurting as much today. And third, I took another test this morning (just to see if it was getting darker) ((I know, stupid)), and it was actually lighter than it was yesterday.

  I don't know if I am being paranoid, or if I am just looking for things to go wrong because I am scared shitless...but my gut is telling me this just isn't right. I hope I am wrong, God I want to be wrong so bad. I don't have any cramping or spotting, so that is good. But typically my past losses occurred around 4weeks, 5 days. I am at 4 weeks 1 day. Having experienced these mentioned symptoms already just isn't promising. So much for being optimistic as I told myself I was going to be. But how can I given my track record? It's almost just to be expected at this point. And shocking if it actually works out.

  I am trying to maintain the attitude of "don't stress over things that haven't happened, because those things may never happen". But shit it's really hard to keep my mind from going into very dark holes. I'm scarred. I'm scared. I'm just lost on what to feel. I am petrified of having another miscarriage. I don't know how well emotionally I will be able to deal. I am already treading pretty thin on that front.

  I am writing these worries down to get them out in the open, because I don't want to bottle the way I am feeling up. I can't do that. I need to get this out so I can release it from my constant thoughts. If what I fear happens, then I will deal with it. But I simply will be at a loss on what to do for our next step.

  For now though, I am still pregnant. I. am. still. pregnant. And I have to tell myself that either for the next 9 months or the next 9 days or the next 9 hours. I have to live in the moment of now, and today...I am a mother of a 4 week old baby. I won't allow my body to take away that feeling just yet.

ROUND 5!!!

Got my first BFP yesterday!!!!!!!!! I took the test early that morning, and it was negative as can be. I officially gave up - and even didn't take a progesterone that morning because I was certain it was over for me. 2 hours later I had to go to the bathroom so as I went, I looked at the test in the trash. Took it out just to give it one more glare and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw another line!!! Are you joking?! I instantly took another progesterone pill and followed my normal medicine plan that night. (lovenox, progesterone).

  I didn't want to get too excited because you hear so much about "Evaporation lines" after 10 mins of the test so they usually are void after that. So this morning I ran to target cause I was out of tests, and went to work. At work I went to the bathroom and took another. BOOM. Right away, no doubts about it...no squinting, no flashlights, instant positive!!!! 

FINALLY!!! I am trying not to get too excited, this is my 5th attempt at pregnancy and I understand the risks. I have to remain calm and understand that I am far from out of the woods. These next couple of days/weeks will be the most critical. I am going to remain positive, but also understand that I am doing all I can to keep this one. But if things happen, they happen. It's out of my control and I understand that. And will just face things day by day. Like the words I live by now:

"Don't stress over things that may be....because they may never be...and you've wasted all of that time and energy stressing over nothing. Cross bridges as they come, live for the day" 

So today...I'm so excited!!! 

POSA

I have entered the "pee on a stick addiction" portion of the month, where I test everyday and then strain my eyeballs trying to see any hint of a line. This month was odd. I never could determine if or when I ovulated because my temps never shifted to much. It raised about .17 degrees and then stayed put like that for days! Usually I have about a pretty significant temp shift but not this month. Fertility Friend can't even detect if I O'ed or not. So I just had to guess when it *may* have happened and based my meds off of that. Very frustrating I tell ya!!

  It's so irritating that I was so solid at predicting and achieving when to DTD to conceive. I succeeded at every try before I realized what might be going on with me. Now that I could potentially have a fix, it's just not happening. It's like the Gods above are playing some sort of evil trick out on me. Depeche Mode has a lyric that rings true for me with this whole mess I've been going through. It goes "I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors but I think that God has a sick sense of humor and when I die, I expect to find him laughing". Yep. Pretty much.

  But I have good news to report!! My doctor agreed to prescribe me 100mg of Progesterone! So I took my first dose last friday, scared shitless that it was going to make my heart start racing again....and then.......nothing!!! I felt fine!!! The entire night I slept fine and didn't wake up at all! So the next morning, I decided to play with fate and took a morning dose as well (since I would like to up the ante a bit more than just 100mg a day). And again....felt fine!!! I could take 200 mg, 100 in the morning and 100 at night and not be bothered by evil side effects other than feeling a bit groggy. Which is normal!! So yesterday, I really decided to play with fire by adding a mid day dose. 300mg a day. 100 in the morning, 100 in the middle of the day, and 100 at night. I sat on this idea for a few and said, F it. If it bothers me, I will cut it back to just 200mg. So I went for it, and again.....felt fine!!!! So now I can take 300mg with no issues!! Yay! Guess my body just handles it better in small doses!

   I'm really excited about that because I simply don't know if I have a progesterone issue, but it can be a huge reason why people miscarry. My temps never shifted up much this month and my AF came on day 25 last month which was odd for me. Those can be indicators of low progesterone. So now you understand my excitement that if that truly is the case, then I can take these pills to help fix the problem with no issues!! :) After I started the pills, my temps are now where they are suppose to be at this stage, and my boobs are KILLING me. SUPER sore. So that proves the medicine is doing it's job! :)

   Anyway, well I will keep this updated as the week progresses to let you know if I succeeded or if it's back to the ol' drawing board. In the meantime, I am still preparing for Christmas and getting this in order for that. Only 1 more day of this work week and then it's a lovely 4 day weekend! Can't wait!

Dropping by

Dropping in today just to write a few things down. I have been pretty busy these past couple of weeks with the holidays, Christmas shopping, my 37th birthday..etc..etc. This time of year is always so exciting, but suppperrrr busy. I am really looking forward to next weekend because it's the first weekend I will have to myself in WEEKS. We aren't going anywhere, have nothing planned...it's going to be awesome! 

  On Dec 4th, I turned 37. We went to New york to go see Saturday night live which was AMAZING! Ryan Gosling was the host and Mike Myers also came out for a quick cameo. As the band was playing, Justin Timberlake was right below us just chatting with Lorne Michaels! It was really surreal! Afterwards, we got to tour the entire studio, backstage, stand ON the stage, and then tour Jimmy Fallons and Seth Myers studios as well!! My moms friend works for SNL and gave us the royal VIP treatment! It was beyond amazing!! 

  So needless to say, I had an amazing birthday. And although I am NOT happy about turning 37, it definitely took the sting out of it all! ;)

  On a TTC update, well not much really to report there. We are in the TTC phase and I am expecting to ovulate any day now. It's being a little delayed this month for some reason. I'm on cycle day 16 and nothing as of yet. Also, my last period came early on day 25. So I don't know what is going on with me. I hope my system isn't starting to get all wonky on me now!! I need it to stay relatively stable so I can predict things easier, but of course..that would be TOO easy...and nothing comes easy for me!

  So I sit here and I wait. We are DTD every night until I can confirm it has happened. The husband is being a good sport, but it sucks because I would like to get this show on the road!! Today I felt some twinges in my ovaries so hopefully things are finally progressing! 

In other news, I spoke with my nurse and since my dumb insurance won't cover the new progesterone I wanted to try, we are going to give the prometrium one last ditch effort. Only this time we are going to minimize the dosage to 2 100mg pills a day. So one in the morning and one at night. That will hopefully be a low enough dosage to where I won't have such side effects from it. I am crossing my fingers, especially after my period came early last month. That could hint at a progesterone issue and I don't even want to deal with the thought of not doing anything I can to prevent another disaster. So if I can take these pills to ensure I am good in that dept...bring it. I just pray my body will react better to the lower dosage. Will keep ya posted! 

Strike two

Well, haven't updated in a few weeks and it's just because there really hasn't been much going on. I TTC again 2 weeks ago and unfortunately AF arrived yesterday, so clearly I'm out again. It's pretty frustrating. It's like, this past year whenever I have tried, we succeeded no problem! But now that I actually have a remedy to try to hopefully make the pregnancy last...I cannot even get pregnant now! I can't win!

 I'm wondering if the Lovenox is just making things a little too thin for conception. Like, what if my blood is just too thin to build a decent uterine lining. I have read that this could be an issue, which is why many doctors like to wait until after you get a positive pregnancy test. My only issue is that my losses are so early. Like a couple of days after my missed period. Which is why I was told to start after ovulation, to help prevent any microclots from forming beforehand.

 However, I am also taking baby aspirin as well. So, this next time around - I think I am going to continue the baby aspirin all throughout my cycle. But I am going to hold off taking the Lovenox until after I get a bfp. That way maybe things can develop naturally for a bit. I am hoping the baby aspirin will be enough to prevent any tiny clots from forming and then the Lovenox can seal the deal after the BFP. This is all my non-scientific, non medical opinion. I have no idea if it will work or not. I might be setting myself up for another loss. But I have got to try something different since clearly this isn't working. And ironically it stopped working once I started the blood thinners. So I am sort of linking them together here.

 Anyway, I'm on day 2 of my AF. Hopefully it will pack up and get the f$%k out of here by the weekeend. My 37th birthday is on friday and my mom managed to miraculously get a hold of 2 tickets to go see Saturday Night Live in NYC!!! Unreal!! So my husband and I will be heading north for the weekend for that! Very exciting! It will help take my mind off of things as well. Then the next week we will be back to trying again. Maybe we will get some Christmas magic sprinkled upon us this time around. We shall see...