Memory tattoos and a Happy Ava

Hey there everyone! I know I haven't posted in this blog since I had Ava, but I didn't want to turn it into a baby blog. I want it strictly to be used as a resource for those who are still on their journeys. But I figured I would do this post because I was once asked if I was ever going to do a memory tattoo of the little ones that we lost before Ava.

  At first I was hesitant to do anything like that, as it would have been too much of a painful reminder. But I am in a different place now, and I felt that I was ready to fully let out all of those emotions and honor our 5 lost babies as well as Ava in a loving tattoo. So last saturday, we did just that. And here it is:

Keep in mind these were very freshly done so that is why there are still speckles of blood on them. But here they are and we love them! They mean so much to us! Maple leaves to honor Canada, which we credit so much to help bring Ava into our lives by allowing us to come into their country and giving us the LIT Therapy treatment. I truly feel that was the key that opened the door for us.

Obviously 5 hollow hearts to honor the 5 little ones that came and went before her. I will never forget them, and think about them all of the time. What gender were they? Would they have looked like me, or Brian? What would their personality have been like? How old would they have been now? Not a day passes that I don't think about those questions. So these five hearts represent them and the holes in my heart from losing them.

 And finally, a heart in the middle with an A obviously for Ava. Our world. Our beautiful, happy, smart, energetic, loving, sweet, bright eyed little girl. She has changed me, and changed our world so much. I never knew I could love something so much. Every ounce of my being bursts with love for her. She is just the cutest thing in the world. I am so happy we got these tattoos. I feel that the chapter has finally closed on our journey and we are actually finally able to just live!

 Ava will be 8 months tomorrow. 8 MONTHS!! When they say time flies...I mean...it literally FLIES. Within a blink of an eye! I try to cherish every single second with her. I don't want to rush her growing. I love to see her learn and do new things, but on the flipside of that....I'm like STOP GROWING!!! haha. She is starting to crawl, has 4 top teeth and two bottom teeth, her hair is getting longer and her eyes may stay blue. She is such a joy in our hearts.

 Here are some recent pictures!

Such a little model!! 

Anyway, that's all I am going to post on here. Like I said, I just wanted to drop in and share our tattoos since I think it's important for those still on their journey who were questioning how to honor their struggles. I didn't know how, and I didn't think I wanted to remember. But in the end - don't be afraid of the past. The past is what leads you to your future. It's what makes you who you are. It has made me stronger than I ever felt imaginable. 

Again, good luck to you all. Never give up. Your rainbow is waiting for you!! 

July 15th 2017

Sorry I haven't updated in a while - been a little busy with this new precious baby of ours. On July 13th around 12:00pm - I went to the restroom at work. I noticed after using the restroom - I continued to leak. I thought to myself "am I still peeing??" and then that quickly changed to excitement/panic when I realized, no...this was my water breaking. I was going into labor!!

 I hurried out of the bathroom and got back to my office where I was greeted by about 15 of my co-workers, all waiting on me to take me out to lunch for my 5 year work anniversary. I quickly told them that there had been a change of plans and that I needed someone to drive me to the hospital, stat. The look of panic on THEIR faces was priceless! So from there, my coworker rushed me to the hospital. I contacted my husband and family along the way and put everyone on alert that our little rainbow was about to come.

  Once at the hospital, I was quickly checked in and brought to the delivery room. My husband finally arrived and we waited on the doctor. Everyone then started to show up, my cheerleaders I should say. My mom, mother in law, sister in law and my sister who drove all the way up from NC to be with me was there. As we waited and waited and waited - I was leaking more and more fluid. I couldn't believe how much I lost - yet still no doctor. I wasn't even seen until 2 hours after checking in. Crazy. They tell you once your water breaks - it could happen anywhere from 1 - 6 hours later. Well, that wasn't the case for me. I wasn't even having contractions really. Finally my doctor came in, but really just to tell me that everything sounded fine on the monitors - but they weren't going to check my cervix until later since I wasn't having many contractions.

  The doctor finally came back to my room around 9pm to check my cervix for the first time. They don't like to do it very often after your water breaks because it can increase the risk of infection. But we needed to see where I stood. And I only stood at 1/2 cm dilated. Crazy! Immediately we knew - we were in for a loooooooong night. Everyone went home to rest that evening because we knew baby wasn't coming until the next day.

  July 14th came and not much action from there. I was checked again and they inserted a balloon into my cervix to help with dilation since I was only 3cm from the night before. That began a grueling long day. From the balloon, to only getting to 6cm by 4pm I felt it was never going to happen. They gave me some Pitocin and the epidural around 5pm since my contractions started to pick up a bit and boy were they painful. I was happy in a way that labor was taking a little while longer since I still had the lovenox blood thinner in my system and they won't give you an epidural if you have that - as it can lead to paralysis. So fortunately - I was in labor long enough to where they were ok giving me the epidural. I don't know what I would have done if I had to do that naturally. I don't know how people can do that. More power to them - but give me the drugs please.

 Anyway - once the epidural kicked in I felt instantly better. Of course - I was numb from the waist down so no pain whatsoever. haha. They put in a catheter for obvious reasons so it was actually nice to not have to worry about getting up at all. They did flip me over after every 20 mins. I will never take the use of my legs for granted though. It really was an eye opener not having use of them for a night. Anyway, as the night progressed - my contractions started getting stronger. (well I only felt pressure - no pain). By 9pm my cervix was dilated to about 8cm so we were on our way but still not there. By then my cheerleading squad was losing steam and most went home except for my sister in law. She was about to leave around midnight but decided to wait until the doctor came in which was any minute to see my progress. At midnight - I was 10cm and it was go time.

  So my sister in law went to the waiting room and everyone came in to prep for delivery. After 45 mins of prep - we started to push. My husband and the nurse both grabbed a thigh and I pushed 3 times during each contraction.

   This went on for an hour and a half and at 2:59am our little Ava Leigh Thomas made her debut to the world. My husband watched the entire thing which I couldn't believe. Ava weighed 6lbs 2oz and was 19inches long. She is very healthy and is stunningly beautiful with a full head of black hair. Our hearts just filled up with this intense love that I can't even possibly describe. She is perfect. Just absolutely perfect in every single way.

  So that is it. Our journey is over. Our struggle has ended. We got our beautiful rainbow baby that we had longed for, for so long. With every tear, heartbreak, fear and hope...we finally are able to close this chapter of our lives and begin the new one we had desired for so long. I never thought I would be here, typing this. As a new mother. But here I am! She is sleeping next to me in her bassinet and it's the most amazing feeling in the world.

  For those of you who are reading this, who are going through the horrible struggle of recurring miscarriages and infertility. Please, please, please never give up. Do as much research as you can, be your own advocate. Never settle for anything less than what you feel is right. If a doctor tells you no - find one who will tell you yes. Find one that listens. One that will work with you and not just the standard protocol treatments they know of. There is always an answer. There is always a way. Even if it seems hopeless. I felt my situation was hopeless...but I didn't give up. And I am so glad I didn't. My heart is with you all. It's a club I never wanted to be a part of - but the women I have met along the way gave me so much inspiration - that I only hope my story offers the same to those who are still on their journeys. This blog will always remain open to those who are seeking out answers, who need something to relate to, to gain tips for their own treatments or just in need of a little inspiration. I am always here to answer questions or offer my own advice for you. Be strong, be brave and good luck to you all. <3

 

36 Weeks!

It is absolutely crazy how fast time is flying! Not that there is anything wrong with that, but man....this year has been the fastest year of my life! I blinked and suddenly here I am - 4 weeks shy from delivery!! That's even if they have me go to the full 40 weeks! Chances are it might only be 2 weeks left due to my age and whatnot. Yeah, I'm 38, aka old and high risk. We shall see!

 Last friday we toured the hospital. It was very informative actually and I am really glad we went, even though an hour of pretty much walking around, standing and yearning to sit really did it's toll on my poor feet. Some advice: schedule that in your second trimester!! lol! But touring the hospital kinda made everything seem so real. Like, I am going to be in one of those rooms soon. It's crazy.

 We also returned to see our MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctor on Monday. I will have an appt with her every week from here on out. Baby is measuring perfect and is weighing in at a whopping 6lbs 4oz!! She is in the 60th percentile and they are expecting her to be close to 8lbs by delivery! She did beautifully when they checked her diaphragm for practice breathing. On a score from 1-8 she got an 8! Go Ava! We unfortunately didn't get any pics of her face this time because her hands were covering it pretty much the entire time! There was one moment when she had her hand grabbing her toes and pulled her toes to her face - so we couldn't get a pic then either!! lol. It was really sweet to see nonetheless! Hopefully this monday we can get a better glimpse of her beautiful little face.

 The doctor ran a typical CBC test as well as tests to check up on that protein in my urine. Just to make sure I didn't have any developing signs of Preeclampsia or Hellp syndrome. All seems to have come back normal. I got the results before talking with my doctor since Quest Diagnostics sends them to my email as well. So I got online and researched everything and all seems to be great with that. But I will confirm it all with the doctor on Monday to be sure. My protein, glucose, albumin, and creatnine levels came back just under normal - however - they have this site that references what levels should be in pregnancy - and everything was in range for third trimester pregnancy except the glucose. That was still low.

 Anyway, all in all - things are still coasting along. I am trying to get as much done at work and around the house as I can before baby gets here since I know I will have no time afterwards. Even though I have zero energy to do it now. LOL. I long for an uninterrupted good night sleep. I think I have a better chance at winning the lottery these days!

 Well, that's all for now!

xo

32 Weeks!

Another milestone down! At this point of the pregnancy, she will do extremely well if she were to be born from now til here on out! Very relieving to have made it this far! I am getting bigger by the day it seems, and more and more tired. All normal pregnancy stuff. But everything still seems to be moving along as they should. I have been feeling a lot of pelvic pressure and get a lot of braxton hicks, which is always somewhat unsettling. But from what I read, all normal things.

 I am officially going off prednisone today and hydroxychloroquine. I have dwindled down to 2mg of prednisone over the past week and I feel I am ready to completely be off of it now. The hydroxy stays in your system for like 50 days after going off and I would like it to be out of my system by the time she is here so there are no issues with it being in my breastmilk. Even though they say that it doesn't cause harm - still would like to be off of it. Less drugs, the better. Still a little apprehensive coming off of them since I have been used to being on them for so long, but I am also excited to NOT be on steroids anymore!! I just hope I keep thriving without them. But at this point - I am comfortable enough to do without.

  We are starting to receive gifts from the registry and we are going to be officially setting up the nursery this weekend. Crazy to even think about! I keep having to pinch myself that this is all really happening! These 8 weeks are going to fly, but will still be the longest 8 weeks of my life all at once. I am anxious to meet her. She is so active in there, kicks away and even has the hiccups on occasion.

   Here is the latest 32 week bump pic! I think I might topple over if I get any bigger! haha!

                                                                       32 Weeks

So that's about it! Til next time! xo
                                                                   

24 weeks!

Today I reached a milestone, 24 weeks! If God forbid anything were to happen, she could have a 20% chance of surviving at this point! So naturally, I am finding myself slightly more at ease as the time progresses. Slightly. haha.

  Yesterday I had my Glucose test. I should get those results in a couple of days. Hope that all is well with that and have it be one less thing to worry about. My next appointments are in 4 weeks. It will be the 28 week checkup with the Maternal Fetal Medicine to measure her growth and another standard checkup with my OBGYN. So I am hoping for a relaxing and easy 4 weeks leading up to the next appointments.

  Things with me are going good as can be expected in pregnancy. I don't sleep well, my joints and knees ache, I get restless leg syndrome often before bed, the acid reflux sucks, and I wake up to pee every 2 hours at night. But other than that, I feel great! haha! I feel her moving around a lot more frequent now. She is now around my midsection and bounces from one end of my tummy to the other. She is going to definitely be a handful! haha!

Here is a 24 week bump shot:

So yeah, definitely rounding out there! (pardon the lovenox bruising). I hate those damn shots!

Anyway, that's the latest for now! I will keep you posted on the Glucose results when I learn more!

xo



***UPDATE*** Got the Glucose test results and I am in normal range. No Gestational Diabetes for me! Woohoo! One less thing to worry about! :)

20 Weeks 6 days

Today we had our 20 week anomaly scan even though I am a day shy of 21 weeks. I am thrillllledd to say that everything went perfectly! She is measuring right on time, and just looks great! Her heart, brain, organs, limbs, spine, everything were all perfect! The doctor said she was extremely happy and couldn't ask for better results. She is very confident that I will see this baby to term.

 They measured my cervix and it's long and closed so no signs of any preterm labor on the horizon. Very relieving. I feel I can KIND OF breathe a sigh of relief a bit now that all of the major scans are out of the way now. The next scans are just a checking in on ya kinda thing and should only last like 15 mins she said. So the next one will be May 8th and I should be about 28 weeks then. :)

  The ultrasound tech took many pics but after reviewing them...none of them were really great...haha! You can hardly make out what anything was. Especially the 3D image she did...it just looked like a blob. Disappointing but oh well. She did get a great profile pic which I will show below - as well as a cute image of her legs. So I am happy about that!

Is that not the cutest profile pic ever!!! I fall more and more in love with her every time I see her! I cannot wait to meet her! Gonna be weird not seeing her on the big screen for almost 2 months! I've sort of gotten used to these monthly appts. But I'm not keen on constant ultrasounds - so I will let her have a little break from them too! haha

Next appt for me is the Glucose test at my OBGYN. Hopefully all goes well there and my sugar levels are normal. We shall see!

Well that's all for now! Happy my little baby bean is growing and healthy! Now just keep cooking for another 4 months!!! haha!!

xo

Halfway Mark! 20 Weeks!!

I can't believe I have reached the halfway milestone! It blows my mind! I am still a nervous nelly about everything but as time goes on...I'm starting to relax a tad bit more. Especially now that I am feeling her move on an every day basis now. That is SO comforting to me. I haven't even had to use the doppler since that is enough for me to know she is still kicking in there (literally).

  I had my regular appt with my OBGYN the other day, and it went really well! They pass me around each visit to different doctors because they want me to be familiar with everyone. That way if I go into labor and one of them is on call, I have a familiar face to see. Well this time it was a male doctor - first male gyno I've ever seen. (I tend to stick with the ladies since, well, they can relate more and obviously less awkward). Anyway, he was super nice, professional and made me feel very comfortable. We listened to baby, and she sounded great. He had to chase her around my belly because she was bouncing all over! She's an active one, I tell ya! We are going to have our hands full!

 We discussed everything as far as medications, and I told him I have decided to stay on the prednisone. I'd rather have that extra something to fight inflammation than risk anything at this point. I have done as much research as I can about it, and since I am going to be on a very low dose - I shouldn't have any bad effects for myself or baby. I am not crazy about staying on it - but I feel more comfortable knowing I am doing everything I can to keep my inflammation issues at bay.

  Anyway, we have our "20" week scan (even though I will be almost 21 weeks then) on Tuesday the 21st. I am not thrilled with doing all of these ultrasounds because I hear it could be bad to constantly do ultrasounds. They link everything to Autism these days and this is one of them. So I'm not sure if I am a believer in that or not - but it does plant a seed in your head and make you paranoid. Anyway, we are going to make sure she's growing nicely and check her heart and whatnot. Hopefully all is ok in there! I feel her kick so much now that I definitely know she has grown! haha!

  Speaking of grown, here is a 20 week belly shot. Not much different from the last belly shot, but figured I would include the milestone pic anyway! ;)

I am in desperate need of some maternity clothes now since I am outgrowing all of my shirts and pants! It also better start warming up soon, since I am having trouble zipping up my winter coat now! haha! 

Anyway, other than the heartburn/indigestion and the insomnia at nights, I'm feeling pretty damn good! I have gained energy back and I am feeling slightly like my old self again! I will touch base again after Tuesdays appt! Fingers crossed all goes well! 

xo

12 weeks 5 days

I had my ultrasound today and that is what the baby is measuring! I have tons of great news today! So much to share!!! First off, let me just show you pictures of my beautiful, bouncy healthy baby!

The ultrasound couldn't have gone better! Baby was measuring at almost 13 weeks, everything looked great! Nuchal fluid measured normal, nasal bone was visable, saw normal brain development, organs, stomach, feet, hands! Baby was kicking, bouncing, and restless!! It all looked like a dream! Then we got the blood results and they came back at 1 and 10,000 chance of having a chromosome abnormality! Amazing news!!! ALLSOOOOOO........it's a GIRLLLLLLL!!!!!! We are having a little girl!!!!! I am overwhelmed with joy! I need to constantly pinch myself to believe this is all actually real. But yes, things are real and things are progressing wonderfully!

Now to bring myself back down to earth a bit. I am still having to remain very cautiously optimistic here. We are by no means out of the woods. We have a very long road ahead of us. I still have inflammation issues that hopefully the hydroxychloroquine will help keep at bay. They are monitoring me like a hawk. I cannot and will not breathe a complete sigh of relief until this baby is in my arms. Until then I must remain grounded and keep myself leveled here. 

But today, today is wonderful and I am so excited to share it here. It's been such a long journey and to see it come this far, well there are simply no words. I just pray it continues and I will finally get to hold this little rainbow soon. 

<3 <3 <3 

9 weeks 4 days

Happy New Year!

 I spent my entire New year sick as a dog! I got the most terrible cold saturday evening and it is only now finally going away after a few days of hell. Of course when you are pregnant you cannot really take anything so you have to suffer through it all. Miserable I tell ya. On top of that I was so worried my immune system is so suppressed that my body would just fight off anything and everything it could. No good.

   So today I had an appt with my regular OBGYN to get all of the prenatal normal stuff out of the way. The appt went really well! She took out a fetal doppler and I was very relieved to hear a beautiful healthy heartbeat of 180 just fluttering away! The doctor was super pleased and said normally she doesn't hear anything before 9 weeks so she is assured baby is growing as it should and right where it should be. I was super relieved just to hear it at all! Yay for little baby steps! (pun intended).

  She also looked at my cervix and said it looked "prestine" which is a word I like to hear. There is still the brown discharge (which is very minimal but still there) and she said that could just be from the progesterone. She didn't seem worried so I guess I won't be either. Still would love it to just go away already.

  I will follow up again with another ultrasound at 12 weeks where we will do bloodwork as well to determine if there are any chromosome abnormalities and whatnot. (prayers for a healthy bean)! But overall, things are still moving ahead! This is the furthest I have been before and I am just praying things continue on this path. NO MORE WHAMMYS!! haha

Will check in again soon!

xo

Rocky Week!!!

Well I just went through one hellish week! It all started on Tuesday when I went to the bathroom to put in my afternoon does of progesterone. When I pulled my pants down I noticed I had red blood all over my pad! Yes, bright red blood. I thought - game over. Instantly I panicked and since I was at work, gathered my things and headed straight to the ER. I tried to remain calm, but I just knew this wasn't good. Not that the ER could really do anything for me at that point - but I just needed to know the status of the baby. Was it still there, at this point they could see if it had a heartbeat or not. That would at least tell me all I needed to know.

  So I arrived and in no time, was in a room. They took my vitals/blood and set me up for an ultrasound. There I saw the most beautiful thing I ever could see. My baby. With a heartbeat of 124!!!

I couldn't believe my eyes! I was expecting to see nothing - and there it is!! There was no signs of bleeding in my uterus or anywhere else for that matter. Everything looked great! I was so relieved but knew I am far from out of the woods. But we were still on base as my husband put it!! Baby measured 6 weeks 5days! Right on point!

 So after I left the ER I went home and took a few days off of work. I needed serious bedrest and just time to chill. My boss is pretty spectacular and very understanding of my situation, so he gave me no issues. I spoke with my REI and she believes that the progesterone suppositories are irritating my cervix which caused the bleeding. The bleeding only lasted a few hours and then stopped. But I am still brown spotting so we need to do something about these suppositories. 

  Thursday (yesterday) we had a follow-up appt with my REI. My husband got to come this time so he could see/hear the heartbeat. We went in and there it was! Beating ever so fast at 167! In two days it went from 124 to 167! I kind of got worried like, is that normal for it to increase that fast?? But the doc told me that it's a good, strong heartbeat. So I will take it! haha! 

  Afterwards we discussed the progesterone dilemma. She suggested I could take progesterone shots, which are insanely painful but obviously wouldn't cause me cervical irritation. I agreed to that and we went and picked them up. When I got home I did some research on the shots and found out they aren't as great as they sound. Which clearly, they sound terrible - so imagine my surprise when I read that the side effects can be far worse than anything I was experiencing. It goes directly into your muscle, causes lumps, bruises, and can lead to bloodclotting, and more severe issues - even miscarriages. Um. NO THANKS. I will take my chances on the suppositories. So now I am finding a pharmacy that carries the older ones I was using that didn't mess me up the way these newer ones do. Hopefully it will help and I won't have to resort to these shots. We will see!

   Last night I had my very first dry heave attack. I was eating cereal and I suddenly felt the urge to throw up! I ran to the bathroom but nothing came out, thank god. But the nausea is definitely kicking in! I just hope things continue progressing as they are. I don't think I can take any more heartache. Especially having come so far now with things looking so positive. I am just sort of shutting my eyes and scared to open them because it doesn't seem real. But we take things day by day, as I've constantly been saying. One foot in front of the other. Tomorrow is a different day, but today, things are still ok. And that's what I will simply focus on! Keep your prayers going! Need every single bit!!

xo

Quite a cocktail list

***update: Just spoke with my doctor and she feels I only need 2 intralipid shots this cycle, the first to be a day before ovulation. So I won't be having 3 shots starting thurs. Which is fine by me cause that saves me $$. Now I just need to pinpoint when the hell I am going to ovulate so I can get the shot the day before. THAT is going to be a task. ugh***


I am really trying to pull out all of the stops here for this cycle. I think I have done everything known to man to try and make this work. I just scheduled my first of perhaps 3 intralipid shots. I will get the first round this thursday. Then I will wait again do the second round right before ovulation. This is crucial because is has to be timed accordingly - which will be very hard because I only can tell AFTER I ovulated. So I am basing everything just on my past cycles which day I think I should ovulate. As well as temping, monitoring my CM, and all that jazz as well.

  I don't trust ovulation predictors. I don't know if it's because I have a long LH surge but they never worked for me. I would get days of positives. So I don't go by those. So hopefully I can peg this just right so it is most effective.

So far to make this work I have done:

Lit therapy,
Intralipids,
Hydroxychloroquine,
Predisone (steroids)
Lovenox
Baby aspirin
Omega 3 supplements
Pine bark
Reversatrol
Metanx (folate)
Prenatals
Vit D
Vit E
Tumeric
EGCg green tea extract
progesterone


And I have excluded endometriosis as being the culprit.
The only thing I haven't done is the IVIg.

I've been through the ringer these past couple of years...and I am hoping everything I am doing will be enough to finally have my baby. The only thing that will prevent it now is either my TNF still won't budge coming down, or my eggs are not viable. Which scares the shit out of me.

But all I can do is try. And I can be comforted knowing I am doing everything within my power right now. If I miscarry again, I will give it another try again. I feel I can do this....I feel this will happen. I have to continue to be patient. I have to continue to give it time. And I have to continue to tell myself, it's not my fault. I am trying..and that's all I can do.

Quite a cocktail list

I am really trying to pull out all of the stops here for this cycle. I think I have done everything known to man to try and make this work. I just scheduled my first of perhaps 3 intralipid shots. I will get the first round this thursday. Then I will wait again do the second round right before ovulation. This is crucial because is has to be timed accordingly - which will be very hard because I only can tell AFTER I ovulated. So I am basing everything just on my past cycles which day I think I should ovulate. As well as temping, monitoring my CM, and all that jazz as well.

  I don't trust ovulation predictors. I don't know if it's because I have a long LH surge but they never worked for me. I would get days of positives. So I don't go by those. So hopefully I can peg this just right so it is most effective.

So far to make this work I have done:

Lit therapy,
Intralipids,
Hydroxychloroquine,
Predisone (steroids)
Lovenox
Baby aspirin
Omega 3 supplements
Pine bark
Reversatrol
Metanx (folate)
Prenatals
Vit D
Vit E
Tumeric
EGCg green tea extract
progesterone


And I have excluded endometriosis as being the culprit.
The only thing I haven't done is the IVIg.

I've been through the ringer these past couple of years...and I am hoping everything I am doing will be enough to finally have my baby. The only thing that will prevent it now is either my TNF still won't budge coming down, or my eggs are not viable. Which scares the shit out of me.

But all I can do is try. And I can be comforted knowing I am doing everything within my power right now. If I miscarry again, I will give it another try again. I feel I can do this....I feel this will happen. I have to continue to be patient. I have to continue to give it time. And I have to continue to tell myself, it's not my fault. I am trying..and that's all I can do.

Retesting

So I got these supplements that I wanted to take for a bit to help bring down my TNFa, so I was going to push my retests back to the 24th of may to give them some time to maybe take effect in my system before I retested everything, but as it always goes - my doctor will be going on vacation the last week of may/first week of June...so now I need to stick with the original plan of testing on the 16th. Which kind of sucks because now I will not be able to tell if these pills are really benefiting me or not.

  And I cannot wait til she comes back because if our plans are to try again in June - then I need to get all of this taken care of before I ovulate again around the 9th. Bummaz. I have been taking the supplements for a week now, so maybe they did SOMETHING to help bring it down. haha...doubtful. I just know I am going to have to take some risky ass shit like Humira or neupogen to get that level down and I really don't want to take those. They apparently give you a higher risk of developing cancer later on because it messes with your bone marrow. Not something you should really f$ck with if you ask my humble opinion.

  I am trying to not stress, I am working out, I am attempting to eat better (still have lots of work to do on that lol) and I have been OD'ing on vitamins and supplements especially Omega 3 which I am hoping will help lower my TNFa as well. I am also EXTREMELY nervous to see if the LIT worked or not. But again, trying not to stress or worry - because those things trigger my TNFa as well. Man I can't do anything these days!!!

  Well I am just going to have to have the mentality of "whatever will be will be" because as much as I am trying to control this situation...there is only so much I can do. If my body is just simply not on board with all of this...I can't change that. So I have to learn to go with the flow and accept the outcomes as they come. (Again...so much easier said than done). But I'm tryin!

 So monday will come. I will retest. Then a weeks agony of waiting for the results and harassing my nurses for them, then my appt with my dr to see where we stand. As always, will keep you updated! :)

Dropping by

Dropping in today just to write a few things down. I have been pretty busy these past couple of weeks with the holidays, Christmas shopping, my 37th birthday..etc..etc. This time of year is always so exciting, but suppperrrr busy. I am really looking forward to next weekend because it's the first weekend I will have to myself in WEEKS. We aren't going anywhere, have nothing planned...it's going to be awesome! 

  On Dec 4th, I turned 37. We went to New york to go see Saturday night live which was AMAZING! Ryan Gosling was the host and Mike Myers also came out for a quick cameo. As the band was playing, Justin Timberlake was right below us just chatting with Lorne Michaels! It was really surreal! Afterwards, we got to tour the entire studio, backstage, stand ON the stage, and then tour Jimmy Fallons and Seth Myers studios as well!! My moms friend works for SNL and gave us the royal VIP treatment! It was beyond amazing!! 

  So needless to say, I had an amazing birthday. And although I am NOT happy about turning 37, it definitely took the sting out of it all! ;)

  On a TTC update, well not much really to report there. We are in the TTC phase and I am expecting to ovulate any day now. It's being a little delayed this month for some reason. I'm on cycle day 16 and nothing as of yet. Also, my last period came early on day 25. So I don't know what is going on with me. I hope my system isn't starting to get all wonky on me now!! I need it to stay relatively stable so I can predict things easier, but of course..that would be TOO easy...and nothing comes easy for me!

  So I sit here and I wait. We are DTD every night until I can confirm it has happened. The husband is being a good sport, but it sucks because I would like to get this show on the road!! Today I felt some twinges in my ovaries so hopefully things are finally progressing! 

In other news, I spoke with my nurse and since my dumb insurance won't cover the new progesterone I wanted to try, we are going to give the prometrium one last ditch effort. Only this time we are going to minimize the dosage to 2 100mg pills a day. So one in the morning and one at night. That will hopefully be a low enough dosage to where I won't have such side effects from it. I am crossing my fingers, especially after my period came early last month. That could hint at a progesterone issue and I don't even want to deal with the thought of not doing anything I can to prevent another disaster. So if I can take these pills to ensure I am good in that dept...bring it. I just pray my body will react better to the lower dosage. Will keep ya posted!