Negatives..

I began testing on tuesday and so far nadda. Since I don't know when I ovulated, I am assuming I could be anywhere from 9dpo to 12 dpo. I was hoping to be 12 dpo because that would have put me right at the best time - since that would be the day after I had my intralipids. But that said, if I am 12 dpo - and still pulling negatives - that doesn't look promising for this month. If I ovulated later and only 9dpo....which would be realistic since I had a late period last month as well as getting a late opk this month on top of another temp spike on cycle day 17...so I very well could only be 9dpo. Which still puts me in the game, however, intralipids wouldn't have been effective then. As well as Cycle day 17 fell on a tuesday, I stopped doing the deed on that sunday. But sperm can survive up to 5 days so that really doesn't matter if I ovulated 2 days after the last time we had sex.

  Either way, I guess I will just test until I get my period. Which will be next week at some point. Why not just not test until my missed period you ask? Because the sooner I know if I am, the better because the second I get that positive - will be the second I will schedule another round of intralipids. The moment that baby implants is crucial to this treatment. I need my body to be calm and to keep my nk levels down during that crucial time. So unfortunately, I cannot take the wait and see approach.

  I get so jealous when I hear stories of women who say "I didn't even realize I missed my period and before I knew it, I was 6/7 weeks along"! Just clueless that they were even expecting. I hate having to be so calculated about this. It's not fun. It's not exciting. It's like homework. Stressful homework before the big exam. Worried if you are going to pass or fail. Yeah, not fun at all.

Another waiting post.

Still not sure when/if I ovulated this month which is a sucky feeling because I have no clue if the things I am doing are timed accordingly. The only time this has happened was in November 2015 - and funny enough - I got pregnant that cycle. So perhaps just going with the flow and not so focused on how many days past ovulation I am might be a good thing. Less stress and worry perhaps? Not being like "I'm 11dpo...I should be seeing something on these tests by now!!" haha! This month I just have to really wait and see. Who knows. I am so tired of dealing with all of this anyway, that I am at the point of whatever.

  Another thing I have decided is that if this doesn't happen again this month - next month I am not going to do intralipids at ovulation. I don't know how that will play out - but I cannot keep throwing down $450 for a) something I cannot time accurately enough and b) something I cannot afford to do on a monthly basis when I am not getting pregnant anyway. If I could have a nurse on standby it would be one thing - but I HAD to get my intralipids done on Friday because they don't do late visits, or short notice visits. And weekend visits cost extra. So I was forced to do this on a friday when I wasn't even sure when I was going to O this month. And it's only effective for 2 days before ovulation. I just can't keep taking chances like that financially. This month - if I didn't ovulate over the weekend - that was $450 down the toilet again for nothing. And if I didn't get pregnant this month - still $450 down the toilet. It's just too much. So I have decided I will just schedule an intralipid shot if I get a positive pregnancy test and hopefully that will be effective enough. But who knows anymore. I just can't keep digging myself further into debt for nothing.

 All of this has become such a pain in the ass. I once thought having a baby, and trying for a baby was going to be so much fun and so exciting! I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be living this nightmare for 2 years now. And I don't feel any closer to an end than I was 2 years ago. :(

Funky temps

Usually my pre-O temps fall down in the 97.45 to 97.60 range, then after ovulation, they go up to the 98.04 to 98.45 range and stay there until I get my period or stay up if I am pregnant. Well, last thursday my temp was 97.70 - since then it's been raised to 98 degrees then falls down to 97.90 then back to 98 or higher. Needless to say this is very frustrating because in order to predict when you ovulated - you need a clear shift. .2 degrees or higher. Thursday was cycle day 12, and I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate that day. My cervix has been open until today - today it felt closed. I also took an OPK from thurs-sunday and yesterday I got the most positive out of the bunch. So I am assuming due to the slight ovulation pain I experienced on Sunday, and my sore boobs yesterday and today that I ovulated either late Saturday or sunday. I wish I could confirm with my temps but unfortunately I can't go by that tool this month.

  So I am guessing I am on 1DPO and I began taking my prednisone today. I will do my lovenox injections starting tonight and will start progesterone tomorrow (just to be sure). It sucks because I want to time these medications accurately but cannot due to not knowing when. So I just have to wing it. I had another intralipid infusion on Friday, so I really do pray I O'd over the weekend for it to be effective. Anything over 2 days it becomes useless.

  So here we go. Let the waiting begin!

Oh in other news, I fell down the stairs and sprained the crap out of my ankle on Saturday! Not the first time I've down that too. I am such a klutz! So now I am hobbling around, in pain. Just stick that into the pile of sucky things I have to deal with! haha! Yay me!

Waiting, waiting and more waiting

I hate waiting. I am probably the most impatient person ever. I want things to happen when I want them to happen, so having no control over certain things drives me nuts!! I haven't stopped tracking my basal temp even though I am currently not TTC this month, just to keep a range of it for reference. So I am pretty sure I ovulated yesterday which is good, but sad. Another egg wasted, another opportunity missed. I hate that I have to constantly watch cycle after cycle go by and nothing comes out of it. It's so frustrating!!!

  I am also waiting on these dang results from the tissue I submitted to come back!! I'm so eager to find out if they could determine if this is a chromosomal issue or not! Or if they could even determine ANYTHING from it at all!! It will at least point me in somewhat of a direction regardless the outcome. If it is, well that sucks, but we will most likely have to turn to IVF. But if we have to do that, might as well get that ball rolling now! I'm 37, times a' tickin!!! lol! And if it isn't, well we have a lot of NK Cell testing to do and tons of more research to determine wtf is going on!! Such a headache.

  In the meantime, I see every other persons life moving onward and upward, while I sit here in limbo. I have hidden so many mothers, and mothers to be on my facebook because I simply just can't deal with looking at all of that right now. I hate to have to hide my friends, and I really am super happy for them...but looking at them have these perfect pregnancies and beautiful babies without a problem in the world just rubs salt in my wounds. Maybe I am being immature about it, whatever. It's how I feel and I already promised myself I would allow myself to feel any way I want about this. It's my way of spoiling myself after what I have gone through. So yeah, if I want to act like a baby at times...then so be it.

  Anyway, I will update as soon as I get the results from the tissue sample. Until then...well, just going to enjoy this quiet day at work while others are enjoying their MLK day off!! Jerks!! haha

Dropping by

Dropping in today just to write a few things down. I have been pretty busy these past couple of weeks with the holidays, Christmas shopping, my 37th birthday..etc..etc. This time of year is always so exciting, but suppperrrr busy. I am really looking forward to next weekend because it's the first weekend I will have to myself in WEEKS. We aren't going anywhere, have nothing planned...it's going to be awesome! 

  On Dec 4th, I turned 37. We went to New york to go see Saturday night live which was AMAZING! Ryan Gosling was the host and Mike Myers also came out for a quick cameo. As the band was playing, Justin Timberlake was right below us just chatting with Lorne Michaels! It was really surreal! Afterwards, we got to tour the entire studio, backstage, stand ON the stage, and then tour Jimmy Fallons and Seth Myers studios as well!! My moms friend works for SNL and gave us the royal VIP treatment! It was beyond amazing!! 

  So needless to say, I had an amazing birthday. And although I am NOT happy about turning 37, it definitely took the sting out of it all! ;)

  On a TTC update, well not much really to report there. We are in the TTC phase and I am expecting to ovulate any day now. It's being a little delayed this month for some reason. I'm on cycle day 16 and nothing as of yet. Also, my last period came early on day 25. So I don't know what is going on with me. I hope my system isn't starting to get all wonky on me now!! I need it to stay relatively stable so I can predict things easier, but of course..that would be TOO easy...and nothing comes easy for me!

  So I sit here and I wait. We are DTD every night until I can confirm it has happened. The husband is being a good sport, but it sucks because I would like to get this show on the road!! Today I felt some twinges in my ovaries so hopefully things are finally progressing! 

In other news, I spoke with my nurse and since my dumb insurance won't cover the new progesterone I wanted to try, we are going to give the prometrium one last ditch effort. Only this time we are going to minimize the dosage to 2 100mg pills a day. So one in the morning and one at night. That will hopefully be a low enough dosage to where I won't have such side effects from it. I am crossing my fingers, especially after my period came early last month. That could hint at a progesterone issue and I don't even want to deal with the thought of not doing anything I can to prevent another disaster. So if I can take these pills to ensure I am good in that dept...bring it. I just pray my body will react better to the lower dosage. Will keep ya posted!