Memory tattoos and a Happy Ava

Hey there everyone! I know I haven't posted in this blog since I had Ava, but I didn't want to turn it into a baby blog. I want it strictly to be used as a resource for those who are still on their journeys. But I figured I would do this post because I was once asked if I was ever going to do a memory tattoo of the little ones that we lost before Ava.

  At first I was hesitant to do anything like that, as it would have been too much of a painful reminder. But I am in a different place now, and I felt that I was ready to fully let out all of those emotions and honor our 5 lost babies as well as Ava in a loving tattoo. So last saturday, we did just that. And here it is:

Keep in mind these were very freshly done so that is why there are still speckles of blood on them. But here they are and we love them! They mean so much to us! Maple leaves to honor Canada, which we credit so much to help bring Ava into our lives by allowing us to come into their country and giving us the LIT Therapy treatment. I truly feel that was the key that opened the door for us.

Obviously 5 hollow hearts to honor the 5 little ones that came and went before her. I will never forget them, and think about them all of the time. What gender were they? Would they have looked like me, or Brian? What would their personality have been like? How old would they have been now? Not a day passes that I don't think about those questions. So these five hearts represent them and the holes in my heart from losing them.

 And finally, a heart in the middle with an A obviously for Ava. Our world. Our beautiful, happy, smart, energetic, loving, sweet, bright eyed little girl. She has changed me, and changed our world so much. I never knew I could love something so much. Every ounce of my being bursts with love for her. She is just the cutest thing in the world. I am so happy we got these tattoos. I feel that the chapter has finally closed on our journey and we are actually finally able to just live!

 Ava will be 8 months tomorrow. 8 MONTHS!! When they say time flies...I mean...it literally FLIES. Within a blink of an eye! I try to cherish every single second with her. I don't want to rush her growing. I love to see her learn and do new things, but on the flipside of that....I'm like STOP GROWING!!! haha. She is starting to crawl, has 4 top teeth and two bottom teeth, her hair is getting longer and her eyes may stay blue. She is such a joy in our hearts.

 Here are some recent pictures!

Such a little model!! 

Anyway, that's all I am going to post on here. Like I said, I just wanted to drop in and share our tattoos since I think it's important for those still on their journey who were questioning how to honor their struggles. I didn't know how, and I didn't think I wanted to remember. But in the end - don't be afraid of the past. The past is what leads you to your future. It's what makes you who you are. It has made me stronger than I ever felt imaginable. 

Again, good luck to you all. Never give up. Your rainbow is waiting for you!! 

30 Weeks!

I am officially in the 30's!! Crazy how time is flying! I have about 10 weeks left if she decides to stick in there until the bitter end! I hope so, but they can be unpredictable at this stage. My friends water broke at 37 weeks! So who knows...but so far things are still progressing nicely. I am starting to feel her roll around and poke her little feet/hands out. It's such a weird feeling. I gently poke back and she seems to like that game.

 My next Dr. appt is on Tues after memorial day. It's just a routine appt, blood pressure, pee in a cup, monitor heart beat deal. My next fetal medicine ultrasound isn't until 35 weeks, so we have a little wait for that. I am planning on weaning off the prednisone here soon. I will finish this week out with the 5mg and then next will taper down to 2.5. At this stage, I just really feel I don't really need it anymore. I am also going to go off hydroxychloroquine soon. Probably after 32 weeks. I just want to start minimizing as much as I can so when I breast feed - there won't be much flowing between me and her directly. Hydroxy stays in your system for like 50 days - but they say it isn't harmful for breastfeeding. So I am not too worried. It will definitely be nice to be off the steroids though!

 Other than that - pretty standard pregnancy symptoms going on. My fatigue is back with a bang. I have no energy anymore. I'm sure that is partially due to the fact that I barely sleep at night as well. When I am not pee'ing every hour - I am tossing and turning. So needless to say, I'm tired. Acid reflux is my enemy. It's brutttalll. I am trying not to OD on Zantec or Tums but man, it's hard! I can't eat anything anymore without it coming back and burning my throat. Ready for that to be over with. My feet...my poor, poor feet. They are taking the brunt of it all - along with my knees. It hurts to walk. But I just bought some new Toms so I am hoping that will help a bit. They are very comfortable.

 But I am embracing everything the best I can as I reach the final stretch with this pregnancy. I admire all women that have gone through this multiple times. I can honestly say, one time is plenty for me! haha! We have decided after all of this that if we were to have one...it would just be a singleton. Yeah I am not doing this again. haha! As I am further along though, it's become so much more real. Especially when I feel her little feet, and her moving around. It's very surreal. It's very weird. And it's very, very emotional for me. Because I cannot believe in just 10 short weeks or less, I will finally be able to hold her in my arms and my journey will finally be over as a new one begins. But every day is still a day by day mentality. I am optimistic to think that way, but I remain grounded. Pregnancy is a tricky beast and can throw you curve balls at any given time. So I am counting my blessings that I have made it this far, and I am hopeful we will reach the finish line without hiccups. Fingers crossed!

xo

Dropping by

Dropping in today just to write a few things down. I have been pretty busy these past couple of weeks with the holidays, Christmas shopping, my 37th birthday..etc..etc. This time of year is always so exciting, but suppperrrr busy. I am really looking forward to next weekend because it's the first weekend I will have to myself in WEEKS. We aren't going anywhere, have nothing planned...it's going to be awesome! 

  On Dec 4th, I turned 37. We went to New york to go see Saturday night live which was AMAZING! Ryan Gosling was the host and Mike Myers also came out for a quick cameo. As the band was playing, Justin Timberlake was right below us just chatting with Lorne Michaels! It was really surreal! Afterwards, we got to tour the entire studio, backstage, stand ON the stage, and then tour Jimmy Fallons and Seth Myers studios as well!! My moms friend works for SNL and gave us the royal VIP treatment! It was beyond amazing!! 

  So needless to say, I had an amazing birthday. And although I am NOT happy about turning 37, it definitely took the sting out of it all! ;)

  On a TTC update, well not much really to report there. We are in the TTC phase and I am expecting to ovulate any day now. It's being a little delayed this month for some reason. I'm on cycle day 16 and nothing as of yet. Also, my last period came early on day 25. So I don't know what is going on with me. I hope my system isn't starting to get all wonky on me now!! I need it to stay relatively stable so I can predict things easier, but of course..that would be TOO easy...and nothing comes easy for me!

  So I sit here and I wait. We are DTD every night until I can confirm it has happened. The husband is being a good sport, but it sucks because I would like to get this show on the road!! Today I felt some twinges in my ovaries so hopefully things are finally progressing! 

In other news, I spoke with my nurse and since my dumb insurance won't cover the new progesterone I wanted to try, we are going to give the prometrium one last ditch effort. Only this time we are going to minimize the dosage to 2 100mg pills a day. So one in the morning and one at night. That will hopefully be a low enough dosage to where I won't have such side effects from it. I am crossing my fingers, especially after my period came early last month. That could hint at a progesterone issue and I don't even want to deal with the thought of not doing anything I can to prevent another disaster. So if I can take these pills to ensure I am good in that dept...bring it. I just pray my body will react better to the lower dosage. Will keep ya posted!