Memory tattoos and a Happy Ava

Hey there everyone! I know I haven't posted in this blog since I had Ava, but I didn't want to turn it into a baby blog. I want it strictly to be used as a resource for those who are still on their journeys. But I figured I would do this post because I was once asked if I was ever going to do a memory tattoo of the little ones that we lost before Ava.

  At first I was hesitant to do anything like that, as it would have been too much of a painful reminder. But I am in a different place now, and I felt that I was ready to fully let out all of those emotions and honor our 5 lost babies as well as Ava in a loving tattoo. So last saturday, we did just that. And here it is:

Keep in mind these were very freshly done so that is why there are still speckles of blood on them. But here they are and we love them! They mean so much to us! Maple leaves to honor Canada, which we credit so much to help bring Ava into our lives by allowing us to come into their country and giving us the LIT Therapy treatment. I truly feel that was the key that opened the door for us.

Obviously 5 hollow hearts to honor the 5 little ones that came and went before her. I will never forget them, and think about them all of the time. What gender were they? Would they have looked like me, or Brian? What would their personality have been like? How old would they have been now? Not a day passes that I don't think about those questions. So these five hearts represent them and the holes in my heart from losing them.

 And finally, a heart in the middle with an A obviously for Ava. Our world. Our beautiful, happy, smart, energetic, loving, sweet, bright eyed little girl. She has changed me, and changed our world so much. I never knew I could love something so much. Every ounce of my being bursts with love for her. She is just the cutest thing in the world. I am so happy we got these tattoos. I feel that the chapter has finally closed on our journey and we are actually finally able to just live!

 Ava will be 8 months tomorrow. 8 MONTHS!! When they say time flies...I mean...it literally FLIES. Within a blink of an eye! I try to cherish every single second with her. I don't want to rush her growing. I love to see her learn and do new things, but on the flipside of that....I'm like STOP GROWING!!! haha. She is starting to crawl, has 4 top teeth and two bottom teeth, her hair is getting longer and her eyes may stay blue. She is such a joy in our hearts.

 Here are some recent pictures!

Such a little model!! 

Anyway, that's all I am going to post on here. Like I said, I just wanted to drop in and share our tattoos since I think it's important for those still on their journey who were questioning how to honor their struggles. I didn't know how, and I didn't think I wanted to remember. But in the end - don't be afraid of the past. The past is what leads you to your future. It's what makes you who you are. It has made me stronger than I ever felt imaginable. 

Again, good luck to you all. Never give up. Your rainbow is waiting for you!! 

July 15th 2017

Sorry I haven't updated in a while - been a little busy with this new precious baby of ours. On July 13th around 12:00pm - I went to the restroom at work. I noticed after using the restroom - I continued to leak. I thought to myself "am I still peeing??" and then that quickly changed to excitement/panic when I realized, no...this was my water breaking. I was going into labor!!

 I hurried out of the bathroom and got back to my office where I was greeted by about 15 of my co-workers, all waiting on me to take me out to lunch for my 5 year work anniversary. I quickly told them that there had been a change of plans and that I needed someone to drive me to the hospital, stat. The look of panic on THEIR faces was priceless! So from there, my coworker rushed me to the hospital. I contacted my husband and family along the way and put everyone on alert that our little rainbow was about to come.

  Once at the hospital, I was quickly checked in and brought to the delivery room. My husband finally arrived and we waited on the doctor. Everyone then started to show up, my cheerleaders I should say. My mom, mother in law, sister in law and my sister who drove all the way up from NC to be with me was there. As we waited and waited and waited - I was leaking more and more fluid. I couldn't believe how much I lost - yet still no doctor. I wasn't even seen until 2 hours after checking in. Crazy. They tell you once your water breaks - it could happen anywhere from 1 - 6 hours later. Well, that wasn't the case for me. I wasn't even having contractions really. Finally my doctor came in, but really just to tell me that everything sounded fine on the monitors - but they weren't going to check my cervix until later since I wasn't having many contractions.

  The doctor finally came back to my room around 9pm to check my cervix for the first time. They don't like to do it very often after your water breaks because it can increase the risk of infection. But we needed to see where I stood. And I only stood at 1/2 cm dilated. Crazy! Immediately we knew - we were in for a loooooooong night. Everyone went home to rest that evening because we knew baby wasn't coming until the next day.

  July 14th came and not much action from there. I was checked again and they inserted a balloon into my cervix to help with dilation since I was only 3cm from the night before. That began a grueling long day. From the balloon, to only getting to 6cm by 4pm I felt it was never going to happen. They gave me some Pitocin and the epidural around 5pm since my contractions started to pick up a bit and boy were they painful. I was happy in a way that labor was taking a little while longer since I still had the lovenox blood thinner in my system and they won't give you an epidural if you have that - as it can lead to paralysis. So fortunately - I was in labor long enough to where they were ok giving me the epidural. I don't know what I would have done if I had to do that naturally. I don't know how people can do that. More power to them - but give me the drugs please.

 Anyway - once the epidural kicked in I felt instantly better. Of course - I was numb from the waist down so no pain whatsoever. haha. They put in a catheter for obvious reasons so it was actually nice to not have to worry about getting up at all. They did flip me over after every 20 mins. I will never take the use of my legs for granted though. It really was an eye opener not having use of them for a night. Anyway, as the night progressed - my contractions started getting stronger. (well I only felt pressure - no pain). By 9pm my cervix was dilated to about 8cm so we were on our way but still not there. By then my cheerleading squad was losing steam and most went home except for my sister in law. She was about to leave around midnight but decided to wait until the doctor came in which was any minute to see my progress. At midnight - I was 10cm and it was go time.

  So my sister in law went to the waiting room and everyone came in to prep for delivery. After 45 mins of prep - we started to push. My husband and the nurse both grabbed a thigh and I pushed 3 times during each contraction.

   This went on for an hour and a half and at 2:59am our little Ava Leigh Thomas made her debut to the world. My husband watched the entire thing which I couldn't believe. Ava weighed 6lbs 2oz and was 19inches long. She is very healthy and is stunningly beautiful with a full head of black hair. Our hearts just filled up with this intense love that I can't even possibly describe. She is perfect. Just absolutely perfect in every single way.

  So that is it. Our journey is over. Our struggle has ended. We got our beautiful rainbow baby that we had longed for, for so long. With every tear, heartbreak, fear and hope...we finally are able to close this chapter of our lives and begin the new one we had desired for so long. I never thought I would be here, typing this. As a new mother. But here I am! She is sleeping next to me in her bassinet and it's the most amazing feeling in the world.

  For those of you who are reading this, who are going through the horrible struggle of recurring miscarriages and infertility. Please, please, please never give up. Do as much research as you can, be your own advocate. Never settle for anything less than what you feel is right. If a doctor tells you no - find one who will tell you yes. Find one that listens. One that will work with you and not just the standard protocol treatments they know of. There is always an answer. There is always a way. Even if it seems hopeless. I felt my situation was hopeless...but I didn't give up. And I am so glad I didn't. My heart is with you all. It's a club I never wanted to be a part of - but the women I have met along the way gave me so much inspiration - that I only hope my story offers the same to those who are still on their journeys. This blog will always remain open to those who are seeking out answers, who need something to relate to, to gain tips for their own treatments or just in need of a little inspiration. I am always here to answer questions or offer my own advice for you. Be strong, be brave and good luck to you all. <3

 

Horror Stories

I am a researcher by nature. I just want to learn every single thing about a topic I am interested in. So naturally when I began this journey - along with my hardships through this journey - I researched every single aspect of pregnancy. I swear I could write a damn book! But sometimes that research is not such a good thing.

  The internet is an amazing source of information. Type in anything and everything is at your fingertips! But type in a simple symptom, experience, question - and you get the worst of the worst stories. They make you paranoid. They legit turn you into a hypochondriac! Lately, I have stumbled upon some terrible stories and statistics regarding stillbirth or death of the mother after birth. It's just horrible and has been a cause of many disturbing, sleepless nights for me.

 I can't imagine coming all of this way, getting to the finish line - only to leave empty handed. My heart absolutely gets torn in half for those women, or men for that matter, who have dealt with that. It's so awful and there are no words. It has turned me into such a nervous wreck about labor and delivery! I want everything to go perfect, I mean who doesn't? But it's just so unsettling to know that it could all change in an instant! You can just never be comfortable at any point.

 Anyway, moral of this post is - I have got to stop reading this stuff. I have got to keep my internet research to the bare minimum these days or I am going to drive myself crazy! I have to hang in there for another 8-10 weeks. I can do this! I just have to keep my mind in a positive place and stop feeding into the horror stories that circulate the web.

 I advise everyone to do the same. It does nothing but make you stressed and worry. There is nothing wrong with being informed and prepared - but it's quite another to let that knowledge get the best of you - as I am doing. So from here on out - only positive stuff!!

Hope everyone has a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend!!

xo

19 Weeks!

1 more week til I'm halfway there! Things are still going great so far...I almost feel like I am jinxing myself writing about it right now. It's so scary as time progresses, I just want to fast forward to August so I can stop worrying! But like I said, so far so good so just trying to relax and enjoy as much as possible. 

  I was complaining to my sister yesterday that I still haven't felt much movement from Ava yet. I have felt things which I thought was her, but nothing so defined to where I could differentiate between her or gas. haha! Thank God for the doppler which allows me to check in on her from time to time, otherwise I would be a complete nut about it. BUT last night, and much of yesterday I finally felt movement!! And I was certain it was her. Lots of little pokes and wriggling around. It's a very weird, yet comforting feeling. I hope I start feeling her now a lot more frequent to help ease my mind. 

  I have some appointments coming up, one just a standard check up with my obgyn on the 13th and another (the big one) the 20 week scan on the 21st. Although I will be closer to 21 weeks at that time. I just pray that she is happy and healthy in there. I think if I can make it to 24 weeks I will be able to breathe a little bit easier about the whole thing. (that's when premies have a chance at survival). 

 But enough of that worry talk...here is a recent bump pic! Definitely looking pregnant now and I am still getting adjusted to my ever changing body! It's really surreal! 

I am definitely out of the morning sickness phase, gaining my energy back and am hungrier than a hippo these days. I feel like I never stop eating!! Funny thing about my cravings - I get a STRONG craving for something...have it for about a week straight, then don't think twice about it again. So bizarre! haha! I'm sure I am driving my husband crazy with the endless changes in diet! lol

Anyway, that's all for now! 

xo

Betas

My beta is at 19.5 as of yesterday. Definitely pregnant. Now I go in tomorrow to see if it's doubling. That's the important factor. Last time I did this it started at 23 and only went to 24 after two days. So naturally, I am nervous.

 I have a certain peace about it in a way though. I guess it comes after going through this for so many times. The peace is, I have no control over what will happen. It will either be or it won't be. It's out of my hands at this point. I have done so much already to try and change the outcome and if it still doesn't work out - then I won't give up, but I will leave it knowing I am doing everything in my power to make it work. It's all I can do, so I am ok with that.

  I will update tomorrow when I get my beta results. :)

Quite a cocktail list

***update: Just spoke with my doctor and she feels I only need 2 intralipid shots this cycle, the first to be a day before ovulation. So I won't be having 3 shots starting thurs. Which is fine by me cause that saves me $$. Now I just need to pinpoint when the hell I am going to ovulate so I can get the shot the day before. THAT is going to be a task. ugh***


I am really trying to pull out all of the stops here for this cycle. I think I have done everything known to man to try and make this work. I just scheduled my first of perhaps 3 intralipid shots. I will get the first round this thursday. Then I will wait again do the second round right before ovulation. This is crucial because is has to be timed accordingly - which will be very hard because I only can tell AFTER I ovulated. So I am basing everything just on my past cycles which day I think I should ovulate. As well as temping, monitoring my CM, and all that jazz as well.

  I don't trust ovulation predictors. I don't know if it's because I have a long LH surge but they never worked for me. I would get days of positives. So I don't go by those. So hopefully I can peg this just right so it is most effective.

So far to make this work I have done:

Lit therapy,
Intralipids,
Hydroxychloroquine,
Predisone (steroids)
Lovenox
Baby aspirin
Omega 3 supplements
Pine bark
Reversatrol
Metanx (folate)
Prenatals
Vit D
Vit E
Tumeric
EGCg green tea extract
progesterone


And I have excluded endometriosis as being the culprit.
The only thing I haven't done is the IVIg.

I've been through the ringer these past couple of years...and I am hoping everything I am doing will be enough to finally have my baby. The only thing that will prevent it now is either my TNF still won't budge coming down, or my eggs are not viable. Which scares the shit out of me.

But all I can do is try. And I can be comforted knowing I am doing everything within my power right now. If I miscarry again, I will give it another try again. I feel I can do this....I feel this will happen. I have to continue to be patient. I have to continue to give it time. And I have to continue to tell myself, it's not my fault. I am trying..and that's all I can do.

Quite a cocktail list

I am really trying to pull out all of the stops here for this cycle. I think I have done everything known to man to try and make this work. I just scheduled my first of perhaps 3 intralipid shots. I will get the first round this thursday. Then I will wait again do the second round right before ovulation. This is crucial because is has to be timed accordingly - which will be very hard because I only can tell AFTER I ovulated. So I am basing everything just on my past cycles which day I think I should ovulate. As well as temping, monitoring my CM, and all that jazz as well.

  I don't trust ovulation predictors. I don't know if it's because I have a long LH surge but they never worked for me. I would get days of positives. So I don't go by those. So hopefully I can peg this just right so it is most effective.

So far to make this work I have done:

Lit therapy,
Intralipids,
Hydroxychloroquine,
Predisone (steroids)
Lovenox
Baby aspirin
Omega 3 supplements
Pine bark
Reversatrol
Metanx (folate)
Prenatals
Vit D
Vit E
Tumeric
EGCg green tea extract
progesterone


And I have excluded endometriosis as being the culprit.
The only thing I haven't done is the IVIg.

I've been through the ringer these past couple of years...and I am hoping everything I am doing will be enough to finally have my baby. The only thing that will prevent it now is either my TNF still won't budge coming down, or my eggs are not viable. Which scares the shit out of me.

But all I can do is try. And I can be comforted knowing I am doing everything within my power right now. If I miscarry again, I will give it another try again. I feel I can do this....I feel this will happen. I have to continue to be patient. I have to continue to give it time. And I have to continue to tell myself, it's not my fault. I am trying..and that's all I can do.

And more changes

Things keep getting delayed but this time it's my doing. I have decided to start trying again in July. June just seems to rushed - and on top of that, we are going to be traveling to my Dads in Tennessee for the 4th of July, so I don't want to be in that crucial 1st week of pregnancy while traveling. There would be nothing more horrific than to miscarry again while on vacation. So it is just best to just be home during that time.

  Sooooo since there is no longer any rush...I pushed back the retesting of the LAD and TNFa to May 23rd and have a follow up with my dr. on June 2nd. From there we will decide what next steps to take. I am also hoping that will allow enough time for these supplements to start taking effect in hopefully naturally lowering my TNFa. So we will see...

  But yeah, I am feeling more comfortable with this plan of action now. As much as I am eager to start trying again...I just simply don't want to rush it, and I don't want to be traveling. After the 4th I am not going anywhere until September so that will be ideal.

  So here is to a month of just relaxing and sorting it all out without rushing! :)

Waiting, waiting and more waiting

I hate waiting. I am probably the most impatient person ever. I want things to happen when I want them to happen, so having no control over certain things drives me nuts!! I haven't stopped tracking my basal temp even though I am currently not TTC this month, just to keep a range of it for reference. So I am pretty sure I ovulated yesterday which is good, but sad. Another egg wasted, another opportunity missed. I hate that I have to constantly watch cycle after cycle go by and nothing comes out of it. It's so frustrating!!!

  I am also waiting on these dang results from the tissue I submitted to come back!! I'm so eager to find out if they could determine if this is a chromosomal issue or not! Or if they could even determine ANYTHING from it at all!! It will at least point me in somewhat of a direction regardless the outcome. If it is, well that sucks, but we will most likely have to turn to IVF. But if we have to do that, might as well get that ball rolling now! I'm 37, times a' tickin!!! lol! And if it isn't, well we have a lot of NK Cell testing to do and tons of more research to determine wtf is going on!! Such a headache.

  In the meantime, I see every other persons life moving onward and upward, while I sit here in limbo. I have hidden so many mothers, and mothers to be on my facebook because I simply just can't deal with looking at all of that right now. I hate to have to hide my friends, and I really am super happy for them...but looking at them have these perfect pregnancies and beautiful babies without a problem in the world just rubs salt in my wounds. Maybe I am being immature about it, whatever. It's how I feel and I already promised myself I would allow myself to feel any way I want about this. It's my way of spoiling myself after what I have gone through. So yeah, if I want to act like a baby at times...then so be it.

  Anyway, I will update as soon as I get the results from the tissue sample. Until then...well, just going to enjoy this quiet day at work while others are enjoying their MLK day off!! Jerks!! haha