Negatives..

I began testing on tuesday and so far nadda. Since I don't know when I ovulated, I am assuming I could be anywhere from 9dpo to 12 dpo. I was hoping to be 12 dpo because that would have put me right at the best time - since that would be the day after I had my intralipids. But that said, if I am 12 dpo - and still pulling negatives - that doesn't look promising for this month. If I ovulated later and only 9dpo....which would be realistic since I had a late period last month as well as getting a late opk this month on top of another temp spike on cycle day 17...so I very well could only be 9dpo. Which still puts me in the game, however, intralipids wouldn't have been effective then. As well as Cycle day 17 fell on a tuesday, I stopped doing the deed on that sunday. But sperm can survive up to 5 days so that really doesn't matter if I ovulated 2 days after the last time we had sex.

  Either way, I guess I will just test until I get my period. Which will be next week at some point. Why not just not test until my missed period you ask? Because the sooner I know if I am, the better because the second I get that positive - will be the second I will schedule another round of intralipids. The moment that baby implants is crucial to this treatment. I need my body to be calm and to keep my nk levels down during that crucial time. So unfortunately, I cannot take the wait and see approach.

  I get so jealous when I hear stories of women who say "I didn't even realize I missed my period and before I knew it, I was 6/7 weeks along"! Just clueless that they were even expecting. I hate having to be so calculated about this. It's not fun. It's not exciting. It's like homework. Stressful homework before the big exam. Worried if you are going to pass or fail. Yeah, not fun at all.

Another waiting post.

Still not sure when/if I ovulated this month which is a sucky feeling because I have no clue if the things I am doing are timed accordingly. The only time this has happened was in November 2015 - and funny enough - I got pregnant that cycle. So perhaps just going with the flow and not so focused on how many days past ovulation I am might be a good thing. Less stress and worry perhaps? Not being like "I'm 11dpo...I should be seeing something on these tests by now!!" haha! This month I just have to really wait and see. Who knows. I am so tired of dealing with all of this anyway, that I am at the point of whatever.

  Another thing I have decided is that if this doesn't happen again this month - next month I am not going to do intralipids at ovulation. I don't know how that will play out - but I cannot keep throwing down $450 for a) something I cannot time accurately enough and b) something I cannot afford to do on a monthly basis when I am not getting pregnant anyway. If I could have a nurse on standby it would be one thing - but I HAD to get my intralipids done on Friday because they don't do late visits, or short notice visits. And weekend visits cost extra. So I was forced to do this on a friday when I wasn't even sure when I was going to O this month. And it's only effective for 2 days before ovulation. I just can't keep taking chances like that financially. This month - if I didn't ovulate over the weekend - that was $450 down the toilet again for nothing. And if I didn't get pregnant this month - still $450 down the toilet. It's just too much. So I have decided I will just schedule an intralipid shot if I get a positive pregnancy test and hopefully that will be effective enough. But who knows anymore. I just can't keep digging myself further into debt for nothing.

 All of this has become such a pain in the ass. I once thought having a baby, and trying for a baby was going to be so much fun and so exciting! I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be living this nightmare for 2 years now. And I don't feel any closer to an end than I was 2 years ago. :(

Funky temps

Usually my pre-O temps fall down in the 97.45 to 97.60 range, then after ovulation, they go up to the 98.04 to 98.45 range and stay there until I get my period or stay up if I am pregnant. Well, last thursday my temp was 97.70 - since then it's been raised to 98 degrees then falls down to 97.90 then back to 98 or higher. Needless to say this is very frustrating because in order to predict when you ovulated - you need a clear shift. .2 degrees or higher. Thursday was cycle day 12, and I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate that day. My cervix has been open until today - today it felt closed. I also took an OPK from thurs-sunday and yesterday I got the most positive out of the bunch. So I am assuming due to the slight ovulation pain I experienced on Sunday, and my sore boobs yesterday and today that I ovulated either late Saturday or sunday. I wish I could confirm with my temps but unfortunately I can't go by that tool this month.

  So I am guessing I am on 1DPO and I began taking my prednisone today. I will do my lovenox injections starting tonight and will start progesterone tomorrow (just to be sure). It sucks because I want to time these medications accurately but cannot due to not knowing when. So I just have to wing it. I had another intralipid infusion on Friday, so I really do pray I O'd over the weekend for it to be effective. Anything over 2 days it becomes useless.

  So here we go. Let the waiting begin!

Oh in other news, I fell down the stairs and sprained the crap out of my ankle on Saturday! Not the first time I've down that too. I am such a klutz! So now I am hobbling around, in pain. Just stick that into the pile of sucky things I have to deal with! haha! Yay me!

Gearing up again

I have reached cycle day 9 and this weekend we will start trying again. It's crazy how fast time flies. I just got back from a pre-anniversary weekend getaway at a family friends cabin. Just me and the husband and our dog Bailey. It was a perfect getaway. Surrounded by trees - no one around. Just us and nature. It was so peaceful. In the mornings, we'd sit on the porch and watch the deer play and graze right in front of us! It was almost out of a storybook. So yeah, needless to say it was very nice and much needed.

  Now I am back to the grind and prepping to start up again this month. I have weaned myself off steroids and will be off of them for a solid week until I start up again around ovulation. That will give my body a little break in between. I've been on the plaquenil now for a little over 2 months now. I am really hoping it's taking effect in my system. They say it can take up to 3 months for it to be at it's strongest...but I hope this is still enough time to make a difference. I am a small person, so hopefully that will work to my advantage.

  I will be doing another course of intralipids again this month - so I have to obviously time ovulation accordingly again. I will start testing the OPK's on thursday. The last cycle ended so weird, and my period was just bizarre - so I hope I can predict everything ok this cycle - and that things have sorted themselves out down there. It's hard to predict ovulation when you have wonky cycles sometimes.

 Anyway, so here we go again. I am bracing myself for another very long two/three weeks. I am going to try not to stress, although I said that last month and by the end of it all - I completely disregarded that rule. It's hard sometimes to not get all worked up when you are trying so hard to make something work, and it doesn't. So I will just take things one step at a time and see where the road leads this time. Will update when I know more. :)

I'm out.

So I had an interesting weekend. As I was 15dpo and still pulling in negatives on my tests...I pretty much gave up hope for the month. With cramps starting in and just that feeling you get when aunt flow is on her way - I decided to stop the meds and just wait for the inevitable to happen. I also decided I had deprived myself of sushi for way too long and that my body needed it. Fortunately I have an amazing husband that knows when to not say no during certain times I request it. It was very delicious.

  The next morning, I had a few tests left. I decided, I was 15dpo, my period should have started but didn't. So why not? 3 minutes later I was staring at the most faintest line. But not to the point where I am holding a flashlight to the back of the test to try and see it. I could actually just see it with my own two eyes. I sent a pic to my sister, and she too saw it. Could it be?? It was so faint that it really made me nervous if it were true. At 15dpo, you should have a pretty defined line by then. I went ahead and started back on my meds just in case.

  The next day, I retested. Again...a little faint line, but not any darker than before. Same color, hardly visible, You would totally miss it if you weren't looking hard enough for it. But nonetheless, it was there. When I went to put in my vaginal progesterone suppositories that morning, I felt my cervix while doing so just to determine if it was open or closed...and it was open. Oh here we go. Faint positives, open cervix = never good.

  So now I am faced with two things. Are these false positives, or am I about to experience yet another chemical. No more than 2 hours later...I started spotting. Cycle Day 31. Which is completely normal timing for my period. (I average between day 28-31). My other chemicals were so much different. I would have a very pronounced line from like cycle day 10-12, and then wouldn't miscarry until cycle day 35-40. So this one is a little weird. Anyway, later last night, I passed tissue. Very distinct tissue that (sorry to get graphic) but you couldn't pull it apart. I never pass tissue like that during my regular period. Another weird thing to counter that, is that my bleeding wasn't bad at all. I had some cramping, my back hurt, and I bled last night - light/medium flow. Today....virtually nothing. A little brown spotting. I am not even wearing a tampon because there is no need! Usually my periods (or miscarriage) I bleed for at least 3/4 days. 1 day of bleeding and done? So bizarre.

  I just don't know what to think. I didn't test again this morning because I felt it was kind of pointless. Obviously one of the two happened (period or miscarriage) and I certainly am not pregnant. But it was all just very strange.

  I had a moment of weakness last night as well. I broke down. After everything I have done, after everything I have tried...to end this cycle this way...just as confused as ever. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I am tired. I am emotionally drained. The ending of this cycle was like a sick joke. A gut punch finale. Pretty cruel. I told my husband that I think I have one more attempt in me. But if that too fails, I think I am done. I can't do this anymore. The waking up and taking my temp every morning, the starting of certain medications on certain cycle days, the trying to pinpoint ovulation perfectly for intralipids, the expensive intralipid shots for nothing if it doesn't work out, the timed sex that has turned more into a science project than fun, the two weeks of constant tests, waiting, lovenox injections, vaginal suppositories, steroid pills, 8 billion vitamins morning and night, watching my diet so I steer clear of inflammatory foods...etc....etc.....etc. I just can't do it much longer. I don't have much more to give. 2 years of this....I am at the end of my rope.

  So we will just wait and see what October has in store for us. Maybe that will be the golden month. Maybe not. But I am just going to try and focus on doing everything I can to keep my head from going to dark places in the midst of all of this nonsense. Keep my eye on the prize so to speak. But in the meantime, understand that we just may have to start exploring other options soon. Maybe someday this nightmare will be over.

Still waiting

  The two week waiting period is the most brutal wait time. But as of yet, still nothing to report. I am either 12dpo or 10dpo right now. But my instincts are telling me I am 10dpo because my temp went back down that friday (cycle day 15) and my temps never go down post ovulation. And I typically (based on past charting) ovulate on cycle day 15. So it would all make sense that I would be 10dpo right now - which would mean it would still be slightly too early to get any results on a test. I am hoping by thursday I will know either way so I can move on with intralipids or I can stop lovenox. Either way, I am eager for a direction.

  I am feeling lots of symptoms of pregnancy, sore boobs, twinges in my ovaries, bloated, tired, etc..etc. But I am also on progesterone supplements so those can add to those symptoms, which means I cannot count on that whatsoever. I just have to wait and be patient.

  In the meantime, my belly is bruised from the lovenox injections, and I managed to boost my progesterone daily intake to 600mg which my doctor wanted without feeling any negative side effects as before (rapid heart rate). What I have been doing is taking the 100mg pills and using two at a time. (6 pills a day) So the mg is still low but still getting that 600mg daily. I don't know why that makes a difference vs the 200mg pills 3 x daily which I was originally prescribed - but it seems to be working so whatever.

  Other than that - same ol' ish different day! Hopefully in the next few days I will have more to report. Stay tuned!

Now we wait.

It's been a pretty busy couple weeks. This past week I headed down to the outer banks of NC for some much needed vacation time with the family.

  Weds I took an ovulation test and it came back positive. That was on cycle day 13! I know I said before that I don't really trust those, but I need to use every single thing I can to try and predict ovulation accordingly so I added it to the list of things to do. Anyway, it was shockingly positive on day 13 which means (according to them) I am going to ovulate within the next 12-36 hours! So I hurried and called my infusion nurse and begged if she could come that evening to give me the intralipid injection since I felt I would ovulate the next day or day after. She came and I got my infusion! So nice of her to do that. 

The shot wasn't bad. She injected it into my arm, sat with me for 45 mins to make sure there wasn't a bad reaction, taught us how to take out the needle, and then left. I had to sit there for 3 hrs! We did nothing right when we took out the needle! Haha! Blood everywhere! But got it under control. She will have to reteach us next time if I hopefully get a positive pregnancy test this month. 

  So we did everything we could do to hopefully have gotten the job done. Now for the two week wait to see if it was all successful. I can't believe we are finally trying again. I'm trying my best to be calm and chill through this. I am accepting the past and the realities of it all. But still remaining hopeful that maybe this time will be different. 

  So now we wait. Stay tuned!!