Friday, November 13, 2015

Sad days

Just saw two pregnancy announcements in the matter of a week. Little baby sonogram pictures of their perfectly healthy little babies. Pictures I never even got to see. The only one I saw on a sonogram had a heartbeat of 50 and measured really small. When I saw it again, it was gone. Just a lifeless little dot on the screen.

  I try to be positive, and keep my spirits up. But sometimes seeing these announcements, as happy as I am for my friends and family that they are being blessed with a child, just stings my soul to the core. And while I usually feel sad and get a little down for a bit, today I actually cried. Maybe because it was two announcements back to back....or maybe I am just slipping on hope as each month goes by.

  I don't know if I will ever get my announcement. I don't know if I will ever see a healthy little baby on that screen. I have lost that excitement. And that really makes me so sad. We are trying again this week. I have not gone to the doctors for anything this month. But I am doing the same remedy as last month minus the high dosage of progesterone.

 Will it work? I don't know. Will I miscarry again? I simply don't know. These thoughts haunt me. But I will just take everything day by day. I will allow myself to be sad, like today. I have to get that grieving out. I have to allow myself to go through the emotions. If I don't...I don't think I will be strong enough to get through this.

With all of that said, today is a sad day. Today is hard. And that's ok.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Back to square 1.

Annd I'm out. Blood test came back negative as well as AF just arrived to seal the deal. So I'm officially out this month. I'm ok with it, and I am glad AF arrived so I can get it over with and prepare better in 2 weeks. Like I said I am not going to do all of the testing, and ultrasounds this time around. I will continue with the Lovenox, baby aspirin and only 1 progesterone pill a day. Hopefully that will help a bit and we will be successful next time with less pressure.

  I cannot believe this month will officially be 1 year since we have been trying. I see so many people who got married after we did who are already pregnant. I feel really sad that it hasn't happened for us yet. But I know it will...I have to believe that. Hopefully this will be our month....man I really hope this is our month.

Monday, November 2, 2015

BFN's

Welp, I have been taking HPT's now since 9DPO and all have come back negative. I am now 12 DPO and based on my past history, I have always gotten a line on my early result HPT's by now. So I am thinking I am out this month. I have an appt on weds to get my blood drawn to determine if I am or not, so I guess I'll officially know then.

  The thought of having to go through all of what I have been through again is heart sinking. The injections, the progesterone adverse reactions, the ultrasounds, the blood tests. Ugh. I can't even think about it anymore. It would figure that each and every time we have tried in the past, I have gotten pregnant. But now when I have all of this stuff to help make it stick...I get benched this month!

  I think if I truly am not pregnant this month, then next month I am going to take a step back from the invasive stuff. I am not going to get ultrasounds to see my follicles. I am not going to get ultrasounds to confirm ovulation. I am not going to get bloodwork to test my progesterone. I think all of that hype perhaps deterred it all from happening! I need to relax and chill out! And just let it happen!

 I am still going to do the shots and baby aspirin. And talk with my doctor about beginning progesterone (1 tablet a day on day 21). But other than that - I want to kind of be left alone when we attempt again. Not to mention - I can't friggen afford it!

So now I am just either waiting for AF or waiting for weds to confirm it all. Whatever will be, will be.