Just saw two pregnancy announcements in the matter of a week. Little baby sonogram pictures of their perfectly healthy little babies. Pictures I never even got to see. The only one I saw on a sonogram had a heartbeat of 50 and measured really small. When I saw it again, it was gone. Just a lifeless little dot on the screen.
I try to be positive, and keep my spirits up. But sometimes seeing these announcements, as happy as I am for my friends and family that they are being blessed with a child, just stings my soul to the core. And while I usually feel sad and get a little down for a bit, today I actually cried. Maybe because it was two announcements back to back....or maybe I am just slipping on hope as each month goes by.
I don't know if I will ever get my announcement. I don't know if I will ever see a healthy little baby on that screen. I have lost that excitement. And that really makes me so sad. We are trying again this week. I have not gone to the doctors for anything this month. But I am doing the same remedy as last month minus the high dosage of progesterone.
Will it work? I don't know. Will I miscarry again? I simply don't know. These thoughts haunt me. But I will just take everything day by day. I will allow myself to be sad, like today. I have to get that grieving out. I have to allow myself to go through the emotions. If I don't...I don't think I will be strong enough to get through this.
With all of that said, today is a sad day. Today is hard. And that's ok.
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