5th loss

Well, my fears turned out to be true. Monday I went to get my HCG blood work done, and the results came back at 23 which is very low. We thought that maybe we were just catching it very early and to test again in two days. So on Wednesday morning a test again and those results came back at 24.8. Clearly it was not doubling as it should which means the pregnancy most likely is not viable. 

   I will more than likely miscarry this one in the same timeframe as my others at 4wks 5 days. I am now currently 4 weeks 3 days. I've already experienced some slight cramping but still no bleeding as of yet. They want me to go in on Saturday for another blood draw to see where my levels are at. Honestly I just kind a wish I would just miscarry before then so I don't have to go.

  I don't really know where to go from here, the medicine I took clearly didn't work. This last cycle was a little weird. I never even thought I ovulated which obviously I did. Maybe everything was just funky that cycle. I don't know what to think anymore. I guess this means more testing for hopefully other potential things that could be causing this. I never got tested for endometriosis, which I think I'd like it to be my next step. 

I also don't remember them testing for NK killer cells which apparently can later early loss. I'm going to get to the very bottom of this to figure out what the hell is going on with me. It seems everything is functioning as it should, it just cannot stick. 

I don't know if I'll be able to carry my own children. I can't afford anyone else to carry my child for me, and certainly don't have any volunteers for the job. So I guess all there is left to do is just to keep trying and hope that maybe one of them will stick. 

In the meantime I'm just gonna try to keep my mind healthy because I feel myself slipping into a dark place. I'm starting to lose hope and I don't know how much more I can take of this. And after five consecutive losses I don't know how much more my body can take. 

We are officially going on our second year trying. Maybe 2016 will be a little better to me. Here's hoping.

Worries

Here I am again. The excitement has worn down and fear has now set in. Things are slowly changing in my "symptoms" that have me concerned. First, I do vaginal progesterone suppositories, and when I went to insert my morning pill, I checked my cervix and it felt really open. That's not good. Second, my boobs aren't hurting as much today. And third, I took another test this morning (just to see if it was getting darker) ((I know, stupid)), and it was actually lighter than it was yesterday.

  I don't know if I am being paranoid, or if I am just looking for things to go wrong because I am scared shitless...but my gut is telling me this just isn't right. I hope I am wrong, God I want to be wrong so bad. I don't have any cramping or spotting, so that is good. But typically my past losses occurred around 4weeks, 5 days. I am at 4 weeks 1 day. Having experienced these mentioned symptoms already just isn't promising. So much for being optimistic as I told myself I was going to be. But how can I given my track record? It's almost just to be expected at this point. And shocking if it actually works out.

  I am trying to maintain the attitude of "don't stress over things that haven't happened, because those things may never happen". But shit it's really hard to keep my mind from going into very dark holes. I'm scarred. I'm scared. I'm just lost on what to feel. I am petrified of having another miscarriage. I don't know how well emotionally I will be able to deal. I am already treading pretty thin on that front.

  I am writing these worries down to get them out in the open, because I don't want to bottle the way I am feeling up. I can't do that. I need to get this out so I can release it from my constant thoughts. If what I fear happens, then I will deal with it. But I simply will be at a loss on what to do for our next step.

  For now though, I am still pregnant. I. am. still. pregnant. And I have to tell myself that either for the next 9 months or the next 9 days or the next 9 hours. I have to live in the moment of now, and today...I am a mother of a 4 week old baby. I won't allow my body to take away that feeling just yet.

ROUND 5!!!

Got my first BFP yesterday!!!!!!!!! I took the test early that morning, and it was negative as can be. I officially gave up - and even didn't take a progesterone that morning because I was certain it was over for me. 2 hours later I had to go to the bathroom so as I went, I looked at the test in the trash. Took it out just to give it one more glare and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw another line!!! Are you joking?! I instantly took another progesterone pill and followed my normal medicine plan that night. (lovenox, progesterone).

  I didn't want to get too excited because you hear so much about "Evaporation lines" after 10 mins of the test so they usually are void after that. So this morning I ran to target cause I was out of tests, and went to work. At work I went to the bathroom and took another. BOOM. Right away, no doubts about it...no squinting, no flashlights, instant positive!!!! 

FINALLY!!! I am trying not to get too excited, this is my 5th attempt at pregnancy and I understand the risks. I have to remain calm and understand that I am far from out of the woods. These next couple of days/weeks will be the most critical. I am going to remain positive, but also understand that I am doing all I can to keep this one. But if things happen, they happen. It's out of my control and I understand that. And will just face things day by day. Like the words I live by now:

"Don't stress over things that may be....because they may never be...and you've wasted all of that time and energy stressing over nothing. Cross bridges as they come, live for the day" 

So today...I'm so excited!!! 

POSA

I have entered the "pee on a stick addiction" portion of the month, where I test everyday and then strain my eyeballs trying to see any hint of a line. This month was odd. I never could determine if or when I ovulated because my temps never shifted to much. It raised about .17 degrees and then stayed put like that for days! Usually I have about a pretty significant temp shift but not this month. Fertility Friend can't even detect if I O'ed or not. So I just had to guess when it *may* have happened and based my meds off of that. Very frustrating I tell ya!!

  It's so irritating that I was so solid at predicting and achieving when to DTD to conceive. I succeeded at every try before I realized what might be going on with me. Now that I could potentially have a fix, it's just not happening. It's like the Gods above are playing some sort of evil trick out on me. Depeche Mode has a lyric that rings true for me with this whole mess I've been going through. It goes "I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors but I think that God has a sick sense of humor and when I die, I expect to find him laughing". Yep. Pretty much.

  But I have good news to report!! My doctor agreed to prescribe me 100mg of Progesterone! So I took my first dose last friday, scared shitless that it was going to make my heart start racing again....and then.......nothing!!! I felt fine!!! The entire night I slept fine and didn't wake up at all! So the next morning, I decided to play with fate and took a morning dose as well (since I would like to up the ante a bit more than just 100mg a day). And again....felt fine!!! I could take 200 mg, 100 in the morning and 100 at night and not be bothered by evil side effects other than feeling a bit groggy. Which is normal!! So yesterday, I really decided to play with fire by adding a mid day dose. 300mg a day. 100 in the morning, 100 in the middle of the day, and 100 at night. I sat on this idea for a few and said, F it. If it bothers me, I will cut it back to just 200mg. So I went for it, and again.....felt fine!!!! So now I can take 300mg with no issues!! Yay! Guess my body just handles it better in small doses!

   I'm really excited about that because I simply don't know if I have a progesterone issue, but it can be a huge reason why people miscarry. My temps never shifted up much this month and my AF came on day 25 last month which was odd for me. Those can be indicators of low progesterone. So now you understand my excitement that if that truly is the case, then I can take these pills to help fix the problem with no issues!! :) After I started the pills, my temps are now where they are suppose to be at this stage, and my boobs are KILLING me. SUPER sore. So that proves the medicine is doing it's job! :)

   Anyway, well I will keep this updated as the week progresses to let you know if I succeeded or if it's back to the ol' drawing board. In the meantime, I am still preparing for Christmas and getting this in order for that. Only 1 more day of this work week and then it's a lovely 4 day weekend! Can't wait!

Dropping by

Dropping in today just to write a few things down. I have been pretty busy these past couple of weeks with the holidays, Christmas shopping, my 37th birthday..etc..etc. This time of year is always so exciting, but suppperrrr busy. I am really looking forward to next weekend because it's the first weekend I will have to myself in WEEKS. We aren't going anywhere, have nothing planned...it's going to be awesome! 

  On Dec 4th, I turned 37. We went to New york to go see Saturday night live which was AMAZING! Ryan Gosling was the host and Mike Myers also came out for a quick cameo. As the band was playing, Justin Timberlake was right below us just chatting with Lorne Michaels! It was really surreal! Afterwards, we got to tour the entire studio, backstage, stand ON the stage, and then tour Jimmy Fallons and Seth Myers studios as well!! My moms friend works for SNL and gave us the royal VIP treatment! It was beyond amazing!! 

  So needless to say, I had an amazing birthday. And although I am NOT happy about turning 37, it definitely took the sting out of it all! ;)

  On a TTC update, well not much really to report there. We are in the TTC phase and I am expecting to ovulate any day now. It's being a little delayed this month for some reason. I'm on cycle day 16 and nothing as of yet. Also, my last period came early on day 25. So I don't know what is going on with me. I hope my system isn't starting to get all wonky on me now!! I need it to stay relatively stable so I can predict things easier, but of course..that would be TOO easy...and nothing comes easy for me!

  So I sit here and I wait. We are DTD every night until I can confirm it has happened. The husband is being a good sport, but it sucks because I would like to get this show on the road!! Today I felt some twinges in my ovaries so hopefully things are finally progressing! 

In other news, I spoke with my nurse and since my dumb insurance won't cover the new progesterone I wanted to try, we are going to give the prometrium one last ditch effort. Only this time we are going to minimize the dosage to 2 100mg pills a day. So one in the morning and one at night. That will hopefully be a low enough dosage to where I won't have such side effects from it. I am crossing my fingers, especially after my period came early last month. That could hint at a progesterone issue and I don't even want to deal with the thought of not doing anything I can to prevent another disaster. So if I can take these pills to ensure I am good in that dept...bring it. I just pray my body will react better to the lower dosage. Will keep ya posted! 

Strike two

Well, haven't updated in a few weeks and it's just because there really hasn't been much going on. I TTC again 2 weeks ago and unfortunately AF arrived yesterday, so clearly I'm out again. It's pretty frustrating. It's like, this past year whenever I have tried, we succeeded no problem! But now that I actually have a remedy to try to hopefully make the pregnancy last...I cannot even get pregnant now! I can't win!

 I'm wondering if the Lovenox is just making things a little too thin for conception. Like, what if my blood is just too thin to build a decent uterine lining. I have read that this could be an issue, which is why many doctors like to wait until after you get a positive pregnancy test. My only issue is that my losses are so early. Like a couple of days after my missed period. Which is why I was told to start after ovulation, to help prevent any microclots from forming beforehand.

 However, I am also taking baby aspirin as well. So, this next time around - I think I am going to continue the baby aspirin all throughout my cycle. But I am going to hold off taking the Lovenox until after I get a bfp. That way maybe things can develop naturally for a bit. I am hoping the baby aspirin will be enough to prevent any tiny clots from forming and then the Lovenox can seal the deal after the BFP. This is all my non-scientific, non medical opinion. I have no idea if it will work or not. I might be setting myself up for another loss. But I have got to try something different since clearly this isn't working. And ironically it stopped working once I started the blood thinners. So I am sort of linking them together here.

 Anyway, I'm on day 2 of my AF. Hopefully it will pack up and get the f$%k out of here by the weekeend. My 37th birthday is on friday and my mom managed to miraculously get a hold of 2 tickets to go see Saturday Night Live in NYC!!! Unreal!! So my husband and I will be heading north for the weekend for that! Very exciting! It will help take my mind off of things as well. Then the next week we will be back to trying again. Maybe we will get some Christmas magic sprinkled upon us this time around. We shall see...

Sad days

Just saw two pregnancy announcements in the matter of a week. Little baby sonogram pictures of their perfectly healthy little babies. Pictures I never even got to see. The only one I saw on a sonogram had a heartbeat of 50 and measured really small. When I saw it again, it was gone. Just a lifeless little dot on the screen.

  I try to be positive, and keep my spirits up. But sometimes seeing these announcements, as happy as I am for my friends and family that they are being blessed with a child, just stings my soul to the core. And while I usually feel sad and get a little down for a bit, today I actually cried. Maybe because it was two announcements back to back....or maybe I am just slipping on hope as each month goes by.

  I don't know if I will ever get my announcement. I don't know if I will ever see a healthy little baby on that screen. I have lost that excitement. And that really makes me so sad. We are trying again this week. I have not gone to the doctors for anything this month. But I am doing the same remedy as last month minus the high dosage of progesterone.

 Will it work? I don't know. Will I miscarry again? I simply don't know. These thoughts haunt me. But I will just take everything day by day. I will allow myself to be sad, like today. I have to get that grieving out. I have to allow myself to go through the emotions. If I don't...I don't think I will be strong enough to get through this.

With all of that said, today is a sad day. Today is hard. And that's ok.

Back to square 1.

Annd I'm out. Blood test came back negative as well as AF just arrived to seal the deal. So I'm officially out this month. I'm ok with it, and I am glad AF arrived so I can get it over with and prepare better in 2 weeks. Like I said I am not going to do all of the testing, and ultrasounds this time around. I will continue with the Lovenox, baby aspirin and only 1 progesterone pill a day. Hopefully that will help a bit and we will be successful next time with less pressure.

  I cannot believe this month will officially be 1 year since we have been trying. I see so many people who got married after we did who are already pregnant. I feel really sad that it hasn't happened for us yet. But I know it will...I have to believe that. Hopefully this will be our month....man I really hope this is our month.

BFN's

Welp, I have been taking HPT's now since 9DPO and all have come back negative. I am now 12 DPO and based on my past history, I have always gotten a line on my early result HPT's by now. So I am thinking I am out this month. I have an appt on weds to get my blood drawn to determine if I am or not, so I guess I'll officially know then.

  The thought of having to go through all of what I have been through again is heart sinking. The injections, the progesterone adverse reactions, the ultrasounds, the blood tests. Ugh. I can't even think about it anymore. It would figure that each and every time we have tried in the past, I have gotten pregnant. But now when I have all of this stuff to help make it stick...I get benched this month!

  I think if I truly am not pregnant this month, then next month I am going to take a step back from the invasive stuff. I am not going to get ultrasounds to see my follicles. I am not going to get ultrasounds to confirm ovulation. I am not going to get bloodwork to test my progesterone. I think all of that hype perhaps deterred it all from happening! I need to relax and chill out! And just let it happen!

 I am still going to do the shots and baby aspirin. And talk with my doctor about beginning progesterone (1 tablet a day on day 21). But other than that - I want to kind of be left alone when we attempt again. Not to mention - I can't friggen afford it!

So now I am just either waiting for AF or waiting for weds to confirm it all. Whatever will be, will be.

Progesterone?!

So it turns out it wasn't the Lovenox that was creating the weird side effects I was having, it was the progesterone!! Since last thurs I experienced rapid heart rate and chest pain. Over the past 2 days, the chest pain progressively got worse and started to really concern me. I told my doctors and they urged me to go straight to the ER.

  I went, knowing this would be a huge bill to add to the list, but hey better than dying I suppose. Their main concern was a pulmonary embolism in my lung which can be caused by progesterone. Since I have two clotting disorders...they wanted to be sure I didn't have that. So after numerous tests and an ekg, everything came back perfect. They just told me I was most likely having an adverse reaction to the progesterone and to stop taking it immediately.

  So I am happy that it wasn't the Lovenox, because that is what I truly feel I need. But I am scared because I have been on the progesterone for a week straight, 3 times a day. I hope my body doesn't crash off of it and it has a negative effect on my uterine lining. I asked my nurse if there was another type of progesterone I could take...like maybe a different brand! Or an oral pill? But she said she is going to consult with my doctor and get back to me. I have taken progesterone in the past, the oral kind, and I had no effects whatsoever! So I don't know why this one didn't do well with me? Sucks.

  As of now, I am still taking the baby aspirin and Lovenox and I just pray my natural progesterone will kick in and do it's job!

Always something, I tell ya!

Some days are better than others

It's so hard to see all of the babies being born around the time my babies should have been born. Every time I hear a new birth announcement I want to be so happy for that person, but the other half of me wants to just curl in a ball and cry.

I have good days, and I have bad days when it comes to coping with all of this. Today is hard. 

Lovenox

I have been on these Lovenox injections now since last Thursday (4 days now). I have had some weird side effects such as fast heart rate and also little red spots on my stomach. I contacted my nurse and she advised that I try switching to nighttime injections instead of morning injections. This will hopefully help me sleep through the crap and give it time to go through my system before I get up and moving.

 I will give it a shot! I expressed to her I do NOT want to stop taking this medication. I need this!! I don't know what I will do if I can no longer take it! So hopefully this suggestion works. In addition to that, man these progesterone hormone pills are making me SO insanely sleepy. I feel like I have been hit with a tranquilizer dart. Only 5 days past ovulation and I'm already feeling like I'm falling apart. Hopefully later this week I will know if we were successful or not! That will definitely lift my spirits if so!

I go in on wednesday to get my progesterone levels checked. Other than that...gotta keep on keepin on!

Day 1.

Well,  I went in for my ultrasound to check on my ovulation progress and my main follicle was breaking down. That combined with bloodwork confirmed that I had ovulated! Husband and I DTD over the past 3 days so I think we have a very good chance of conceiving this month! So everything on our end is done, now it's up to the balls of cells to hopefully align perfectly!

 This morning I started all of the medication. I did my first Lovenox injection! It wasn't so bad. It went in with no problems...my only complaint would be that it stings for like 7 minutes. Kinda feels like a bee sting. It's not the greatest, but it's definitely not as bad as I thought it would be! I'm just praying my body takes the medication well and I don't have any side effects. It's scary to start a new medication especially one as important as this one. If for some reason my body rejects the medicine, I don't know what we would do as far as treatment! So fingers crossed there! So far so good!

I also started the progesterone suppositories. Oh boy what fun! Get to take those 3 times a day! (blek). But it will help keep the uterine lining nice and thick for baby, so whatever it takes, I suppose!

I really hope we conceived this month! To do all of this and not be pregnant would be disappointing for sure! Poking myself in the tummy every day for a baby is one thing...poking myself for nothing is quite another! haha!

So now we wait. The longest wait ever! I hate waiting!! I'm so impatient. But I am just going to keep myself busy and just try not to think about everything! Because we are so far from being out of the woods it's not even funny! Hell, we haven't even entered the forest yet!

One day at a time...

2nd Ultrasound

Had my 2nd Ultrasound today to make sure things are moving along and where they need to be. Got an A+. Both ovaries have follicles that have grown and my right ovary follicle is looking really good. Will most likely ovulate from that one this month. My uterine lining is also right where it should be! So I am hopeful that this cycle will be absolutely normal and with the medication I will take, that everything should stick the way it's supposed to! :)

TTC Countdown is on

1 week to go until Ovulation! I am getting anxious, clearly. I went to have an ultrasound on my "day 3" cycle test to see my ovarian follicles! Looks like I have about 12 on board which is a good number! I also had my FSH and Estrogen taken and both came back perfect! I go in tomorrow for another ultrasound to be sure I am all geared up for Ovulation next week! Like I've said before - they want to be sure I ovulate before I start the injections. But everything seems to be on track so I think we will be given the green light! From there, it's up to Lovenox, Progesterone, Baby Aspirin and a whole lotta prayin! Stay tuned...

The key to success?

Picked up these bad boys from the pharmacy. These will be a part of my life for hopefully the next year. I have mixed feelings. Excited to see if they work, but scared to death of the needles. Also hoping I don't have any negative side effects from the medication. Guess I'll have all of my answers starting in 3 weeks!

C'mon Aunt Flow!

Waiting for this cycle to start so we can get this ball rolling. I spoke with my nurse yesterday and I have to call her on cycle day 1, so we can schedule me to come in for an ultrasound on cycle day 3. Apparently tons of stuff seems to go on, on cycle day 3! But what they are looking to see is if I have a mature egg waiting on deck for ovulation. They will also do some blood work to determine that as well.

  It's really important to be sure I ovulate this month as well as WHEN I ovulate this month so I can begin taking the medicine to help build a strong uterine lining, to get my blood under control and hopefully help make this baby stick if we indeed conceive. We never have had a problem conceiving in the past, so I'm thinking this will be no different (fingers crossed). Also - rumor has it that after you have a HSG, your chances of conceiving are even greater! So we shall see! 

  

Mentally preparing myself

I often sit back and think about everything that I have gone through til this point and it still amazes me. I am at the point where I don't really know where to go from here if God forbid this doesn't work and I suffer through yet another loss. I want to be strong for myself and my husband...but I have taken my lashings and I just want to be done. I understand the reality that the possibility of losing another is very high. So I have to mentally prepare myself.

   I don't want to be a "debbie downer" and I know having a positive mental attitude is very important. And believe me, I am trying. But I am also the type of person that kinda goes by the "hope for the best but expect the worst" kind of attitude. Many don't like this rational....but it's the way I am programmed. It's how I deal. Maybe it's a bit negative. But it's just how I think.

  Anyway, we try again next month. In like 3 weeks I have to go back to the doctor for an ultrasound to make sure I am going to ovulate next month. It's important to time this ovulation precisely because I have to take these injections literally right after. So I can't be off on my days. Timing is everything with this one.

  It makes me a bit sad. It's all so calculated. The fun has been stripped away. The excitement is gone. It's very scientific now more than anything. I feel like a guinea pig. I will always remember the excitement I had with the first positive. I will always miss that feeling. Now I am just petrified, curious, anxious and angry that it has even come to this. But as my nurse said - if this all works out - every single thing I did to get there will all be worth it. I hold on to that very hard. Every time I will have to prick myself with daily injections...I will think of that.

  If this doesn't work out...and I do miscarry again. They will test the embryo and find out what is going on. I read a blog where the woman who was literally going through the same thing. She had another miscarriage after everything. 4 losses, same medications, I literally could have written her blog. But she went on to have her "rainbow baby" as they call it. Her blog gave me hope. That even if God forbid my long road isn't over...that one day it will be. Hopefully with a happy ending as well. But regardless the outcome, I just hope someone who is going through what I am going through will stumble upon this blog and find some inspiration...or at the very least, someone to relate to.

The Gameplan

Looks like I am all caught up now! I started this blog after all of this had happened, and wanted to move forward sharing my experiences as they come from here on out. So this is the most recent and up to date entry. Last week, Sept 22. we had our followup with the doctor to go over the gameplan. My doctor believes that the issues are stemming from my blood clotting disorders, so she is going to put me on a cocktail of medications for the next time (which will be after this cycle).

  Basically, the recipe is going to consist of:

- Daily Lovenox (a blood thinner) injections. Yes I have to take a needle and inject this medication into my stomach for the next God willing 36 weeks. If I make it that far, after 36 weeks I will switch to Heparin (another blood thinner) and will up the dosage to 2 shots in the belly a day until the baby is born. Then I will be put back on Lovenox for a good 6 weeks post labor. This will help prevent and/or breakdown any clots from forming while pregnant. I will get started on this medication on day 3 after ovulation (even before I even get a positive pregnancy test) to be sure no clots form during implantation.

- Baby Aspirin. Another blood thinner. Lovenox basically protects me from blood clots - baby aspirin protects the baby. Lovenox does not cross the placenta...baby aspirin does. That's the difference between the two. With my conditions, I will have to take baby aspirin every day for the rest of my life.

- Metanx - it's a non synthetic form of Folic Acid since my body has a hard time breaking it down due to the MTHFR. It also contains B6 and B12.

- Progesterone - Have to take this the entire 1st trimester to help keep my uterine lining nice and thick for baby.

- Calcium - Lovenox really takes a toll on your bones so I have to keep them strong with calcium tablets

- MultiVitamins - to go along with the Metanx

- Prenatal DHA - to help avoid neural defects

- Vitamin D3 - since I was low and it plays an important roll in pregnancy

And there you have it. Blah.

Give it to me straight, doc

Well, the results are in. And from what it seems...the issue lies solely within me. My husbands results came back perfect! More than perfect actually! I knew his results would. I mean, he's batted home runs 4 times in a row now! He's a champ! Me on the other hand.. well for starters, my HSG results came back great! Uterus showed no abnormalities and fallopian tubes are wide open! No blockages! So that was refreshing to hear! Also my FSH and AMH results came back, which basically gives you an idea of how your ovarian reserve (eggs) are....and my numbers looked great! Lots of little eggs left so definitely not going through menopause anytime soon! Yay! Now for the bigger issues. 

Here are my results: 
 - Heterozygous for 1 copy of the MTHFR C677T Mutation
 - Homozygous for 2 copies of the PAI-1 Serpine 4G/4G Variant 
 - Chromosome 9 inversion. 

 And there ya have it. Here is a brief rundown of what each one is:

What is MTHFR? 

MTHFR - (Methylene-tetra-hydro-folate-reductase) is an enzyme found in the cells of our body. It is needed to metabolize (break down) homocysteine, an amino acid found in the proteins you eat. Elevated homocysteine levels have been associated with fetal neural tube defects (i.e., spinal Bifida) and miscarriage. An elevated homocysteine level can also indicate a increased risk factor for blood clots, arteriosclerosis (hardening of arteries) and strokes in both men and women. The metabolism of homocysteine depends on several enzymes, one of which is MTHFR, along with B vitamins and folic acid. In other words, B vitamins, folic acid and MTHFR are necessary to keep homocysteine levels within normal limits.

Sometimes your MTHFR has a genetic defect. These defects are fairly common and its estimated by some studies that up to 60% of the population have one MTHFR mutation or another.

There are two common genetic MTHFR mutations. If you have one mutation only, you are heterozygous. It is reported that nearly half the population is MTHFR heterozygous. - it is nothing abnormal. If you have two copies of the same mutation, you are homozygous. Homozygotes can have elevated homocysteine levels in maternal blood and amniotic fluid. If you have one copy each of the two different mutations, you are compound heterozygotes. Compound heterozygotes have the same treatment and risk level as homozygotes. If you have neither mutation, you are negative and don't need to worry about MTHFR.

There is NO CURE for MTHFR mutation. If you have the mutation, that's the way your body is made. You can, however, lessen any risk factors you have by taking B vitamins, Folic acid and baby aspirin in doses prescribed by your doctor. By taking these agents, you can lower your homocysteine levels and therefor your risk for the conditions above.

MTHFR mutations are hereditary. Families with significant early cardiovascular disease or recurrent pregnancy loss might benefit from clinical investigation.

PAI-1 4G/4G

      PAI-1 4G/4G has to do with the blood clotting system. Everyone has a plasminogen activator inhibitor that is responsible for helping to breakdown blood clots. A person can have PAI-1 5G/5G, PAI-1 4G/5G, or PAI-1 4G/4G mutation (4G/4G being the worst- the one I have). When the PAI is “broken” or “mutated” blood clots that form are not broken down as they should. With pregnant women, this can cause clots in the placenta, cord, or uterine wall, inhibiting effective implantation. MTHFR and PAI 1 4G/4G are a bad combo. MTHFR can be responsible for forming clots - and the PAI 1 4/G/4/G cannot break them down once they are formed. 

Pericentric Chromosome 9 Inversion

Pericentric inversion in heterochromatic region of chromosome 9 (inv[9]) is a common (1–3%) heteromorphism in the general population. Chromosome inversions are a relatively common structural alteration. There are 2 types of inversions. If both breakpoints are on the same side of the centromere, the inversion is paracentric; if they are on both sides of the centromere, then it is pericentric inversion. Pericentric inversion in the heterochromatic region of chromosome 9 has been recognized as a normal variant, generally without phenotypic effect. 




Pretty overwhelming stuff. My doctors and the lab tech, both agreed that they do not think the Chromosome 9 Inversion plays any issue in this. The lab tech stated that they are so common, he see's at least several a day. He also said it's considered a normal variant because the genetic codes are all there and the break point is in the center which leads to no issues. So I am just going to take their word on that and focus more on the blood clotting issues. Man oh man. Now time to figure out a gameplan...

Testing, Testing..1..2..

And so it begins. The insanity of the tests! I had to get roughly 20 viles of blood taken for my RPL (Repeated Pregnancy Loss) testing. Yeah...they are giving me the works! Everything from Thyroid issues, to Chromosomes, to blood clotting, to immunities...all of it! My husband wasn't off the hook either! He had to go in to get his sperm tested, as well as his chromosomes. On top of that I had to go in for an HSG exam where they basically stick a tube in your cervix, inject a contrast dye and take a look at your uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there are any abnormalities there. But since I recently suffered another loss, she had me reschedule that for the following month to allow my uterine lining to return to normal.

   So much stuff to check for, it's amazing! My doctor said there was a 60% chance they would find something - and a 40% chance that they won't. She said don't get discouraged if you are in the 40%....that means there is nothing really wrong and everything has just been really bad luck. But the chances of having a healthy baby are great! Part of me wanted to fall in that 40%....but another part of me wanted answers!! How could it just be realllllly bad luck 4 times in a row? I mean, I know I walk around sometimes with a gray cloud over my head...but my luck hasn't been THAT terrible! Guess we will see...

Round 4

I wasted no time making an appt with a specialist. I researched and found a specialist that was top rated in the area! The appt was set and I was ready to go! This month we didn't really try at all. I knew I didn't want to get pregnant again until we were sure what we were up against, if anything! So I wanted to make sure we didn't DTD (do the deed) around ovulation. We did it 8 days before....and then 4 days afer. 

 Something was off on my charts though. When basal temping...your temperatures stay low in your follicular stage. (the 14 days before you ovulate) and then they rise in your luteal phase (the 14 days after) in a normal 28 day cycle. Once you see the rise in your chart....you know you ovulated. Because after your ovulate your body releases progesterone, and that causes your temps to go up and stay up until you start your period. Just a little science lesson for ya! 

  Anyway - I noticed I got a rise in my temps around day 15. So 4 days after that, we DTD. But then - I noticed my temps went back down a bit and then rose high again. This told me that I ovulated late. Which would put us in prime timing for conception. Whoops! But maybe I was wrong. Either way, we went in for our appt. The doctor explained all of the tests she wanted me to do...and then asked if I was pregnant. I told her no...but since I wasn't really trying - I didn't really think about the fact that I was 2 days late. I was still temping...but I was just taking my temps and logging them. I wasn't paying too close attention to the chart. Anyway, she told me to go home and take a test. I did. And sure as shit...there it was. The faintest line. 

  The next day....I started bleeding. You only get a line if you have HCG in your system. You only get HCG in your system if you're pregnant. I knew I was suffering chemical pregnancy #3. When you miscarry - especially with Chemical Pregnancies...you pass a different type of tissue. Having gone through 2 previous ones, I was kind of becoming a pro on what to expect. So I knew based on that I was indeed pregnant. I didn't even really grieve this time around. It was sad that I was becoming numb. I informed my doctor, and we proceeded with the tests.

3rd times the charm?

After a hellish ordeal with the D&C the last few months...I gave my body another cycle to just get back on track. And then - we tried again. And again, we got pregnant instantly. Getting pregnant was never our issue. I could get pregnant with the snap of a finger. I don't know if we are just good at what we do....or if my calculations to finding the perfect time proves true...whatever it is...it works! 

Like the past one...even moreso now, I didn't get my hopes up. I only told my husband and my sister I was pregnant. I just couldn't bare the thought of having those conversations again with everyone else. But much like the first, this one was very short lived. 4weeks, 5 days I started bleeding. My heart just sank. Crushed is a good word for how I was feeling. Defeated would be another. What is wrong with me? Clearly this is not a fluke anymore. Something is going on! I decided that this was it...we are going to a specialist next. I didn't want to relive this again if I could find out what is causing it.

 I remember when I started spotting, the next day we had a bbq. I didn't want to go, but I had purchased a ton of eggs to make deviled eggs, to bring to the party. And honestly, maybe it would be good to get out and not stay in bed and sulk. So I dragged myself out of bed, made the deviled eggs and drove separately to the BBQ from my husband. I wanted to make sure if I needed to leave, I could.

 The hostess of the party was 8 months pregnant. She began saying "this is the last one...this one was totally unplanned to begin with". My heart sank. It's so easy for some, they have no idea. They can CHOOSE how many they want and when they want to stop. And have oopsie babies along the way. I am standing there...literally miscarrying my third, while listening to this. It was no fault of hers...she was clueless. She didn't know. But it was still tough to endure. Add being surrounded by other kids, babies, and ladies who just had a babies stating they can't wait to have another - it ended up being way to much for me to handle. I told my husband I had to go. On our way out, the host of the party asked why I was leaving. I said I wasn't feeling good. He put his arm around me and said "you're pregnant aren't you"....I could feel the tears welling up and I just had to get out of there before I lost it. I finally made it to the car and it all came out. I cried so hard. My husband just sat by my side and held my hand. 

It was a terrible day.

D&C Nightmare

After I completed the D&C procedure...I went home to rest. My husband was amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better caregiver. He made me breakfast, lunch and dinner, bought be pads, went and got my prescriptions, did everything for me. I seriously don't know how I got so lucky. I had the procedure on a friday and was back at work by monday. 

All seemed well until thursday rolled around. I was at work when I just felt something down there. I hurried to the bathroom and without getting too descriptive - noticed I was bleeding A LOT. I guess there is no way around not getting too descriptive here. There was literally golf ball sized blood clots coming out. I obviously panicked and called my doctor immediately. They told me to come in asap for an ultrasound. I had the most severe cramping I've ever experienced as well! 

My coworker drove me to the doctor since I was in far too much pain to drive. I went in to get an ultrasound and they had to put towels on the floor while I undressed because I was bleeding that bad. They looked at my uterus and it was just FILLED with blood! They couldn't see anything! They brought me in the examination room where my doctor looked inside. She took samples of a blood clot and sent it to the lab for testing. They gave me a heavy prescription of motrin and I started feeling better. The bleeding was becoming less as well. 

They had no explanation other than perhaps there was some "products of conception" left behind and my body was trying to get rid of it. I hate that word btw. They sent me home and I rested in bed for the remainder of the night. They gave me the 3 pills to take that was option number 2 when I was deciding what to do about my baby. If there was products of conception left behind - those pills would take care of it. I took them that evening and they made me so sick. I threw up all night. It was awful. After 3 months of on and off bleeding...my body FINALLY regulated itself and it stopped. WHAT.A.NIGHTMARE. I will NEVER get another D&C again if Heaven forbid I have to cross that bridge again. Never.

Trying again

After the green light to go again for round 2...I wasted no time to get back into my temping habits and opk's. Around the first of January, I felt a little dizzy. I would get dizzy when I stood up, and it lasted all morning. I also was going to the restroom every 5 minutes! I decided, well...let me just try to test and see. After going through the first loss, my excitement to test every 5 seconds wore down and I just wasn't that crazy about the whole thing anymore. Moreso just a little scared now. The excitement was gone. Those feelings had all been stripped away. Now all I had was nerves and the anxiety of it happening again. But most of the time - the 1st is just a fluke and your odds go way down of miscarrying again. So I did have that easing my worries.

 I went ahead and retested that evening and there it was...another BFP!(Big fat positive for those who aren't down with the pregnancy lingo) haha! Again, I didn't jump up and down and cry with excitement this time around...it was more of a "ok...here we go...I hope this sticks!" type of feeling. This pregnancy felt different. The first one I was having a lot of cramps very early on...it just didn't feel right. This one however, felt great! I was experiencing all of the normal signs you would feel when you're pregnant all except the morning sickness. But that doesn't usually kick in until the 6th week anyway so I wasn't worried about that. The best part was...I passed the 4 week "chemical pregnancy" mark! So I knew then that this one was going to stick around! I started finally getting excited! 

 Around 5 1/2 weeks, I started feeling very strong pains in my right ovary. It was so severe that it woke me from my sleep and felt much like menstrual cramps - but only limited to one side. I took motrin and called my dr. in the morning. She wanted me to come in for an ultrasound since localized pain in early pregnancy could be signs of an eptopic pregnancy. (Where the baby starts growing in your Fallopian tubes instead of your uterus). That was a very scary thought and I went in that afternoon. At the ultrasound - they saw a gestational sac and nothing in my tubes...so that was good...kinda. But they didn't see anything in my gestational sac either. It wasn't tooooo alarming, however since I was only 5 1/2 weeks and sometimes it's just too early to tell. The pain I was experience actually ended up being my Corpus Luteum cyst (also known as the pregnancy cyst) that appeared on my ovary. It's actually a good thing because it provides progesterone to help keep that uterine lining nice and thick and helps nourish the baby. So that was relieving to hear. 

 Finally - it came. My 8 week appt! This was the one where we get to hear the heartbeat! My husband came along and we were both very excited! It was just a cool thing that we were going to get to do together. One that would kind of change our lives! We arrived at the appt and went in the ultrasound room. Then it appeared on the screen! There was our tiny little bean!! I was so excited - only for it to be short lived. I saw a little flickering heart on the screen...but it was so slow. No more than 47BPM. A babies heartrate will start at around 160BPM...so clearly this was concerning. I saw the look on my ultrasound techs face and it wasn't good. She told me the heartrate is really slow and that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks. I felt maybe I had ovulated a little later than I thought and that is why the baby was measuring small. But she wasn't convinced. She left the room with a "sorry guys". And I was left feeling gutted. Then my husband who always looks at life with the half glass full mentality said "We saw a heartbeat! Everything is going to be fine!!" But I knew deep down it wasn't. 

 We reset a followup appt for 2 weeks. They wanted me to come back the following week - but I wanted to give the baby time to grow. I didn't want to go in the next week for them to tell me that there hasn't been much change. So I patiently (well as patient as I could be) waited the 2 weeks. My husband couldn't go in with me this time as he had to work. So I went in alone. As I laid there waiting for the image to appear on the screen, I saw my baby again. Only this time..no heartbeat. It still measured at 6 weeks so not even any growth either. It probably passed shortly after the 1st visit. I stared at the screen and then the tech left me alone to get the doctor. During those moments I just felt numb. Why is this happening again?! What did I do wrong?! I immediately called my husband when it all hit me. I could only mutter the words. "No heartbeat". I could hear in his voice he was crushed. I was crushed. I just cried. And he was too far away to hold me. 

 They took me into a small room while I waited for the doctor. Finally, the doctor came in and went over my options. I knew immediately I wanted a D&C (Dilation and Curettage). I just wanted it to be over with and that was the fastest way it would be. The other option was to take 3 pills and go home to pass it naturally. The 3rd option was just to wait for your body to take care of business....whenever that would be. So we arranged for the D&C procedure the following day. That evening, I went home and my sister went into labor. She delivered a beautiful healthy little boy. That news was very bittersweet. I was so happy for her, but there I was...about to say goodbye to mine. The world can be very cruel sometimes.

The start of a long year

Last year I got married. The happiest time in my life. I married my best friend, a wonderful guy who gets me. Which is hard to find, since I am an odd one. I had a life dream. I knew I one day would get married and have kids. It's what I always wanted and finally it was happening! Which is even crazier because, I honestly didn't think I would ever find someone to settle down with. 

My past "relationships" were all very different and all very wrong. I just couldn't seem to find anyone that understood me, who was on the same page as me. Someone who I could let down ALL of my guards and just be me. Until I met Brian. He is someone who no matter what, I can be my total self around. He doesn't judge me, he doesn't care if I am at my best or worst. He loves me. And I never thought I could care about someone so much. I truly love him, and I just can't describe how lucky I am to have him. Especially though the struggles we have gone through our first year of marriage.

 Brian knew I wanted to start a family right away. We did the right thing by dating, moving in with each other, getting engaged, being engaged for 10 months before the wedding. Ya know, the normal time you need to be absolutely sure this is someone you want to be with forever and have a family with. I had no doubts about him, and he seemed on board as well! So there we were....2 weeks after getting married, on our honeymoon when we decided...ok....let's try to make this three! I was SO excited!! Finally, we were really going to do this! We were going to be parents! We were going to start a family!

 I, someone who can get maybe a little too technical about things, wanted to waste no time. I wanted to hit this out of the park right away! I was approaching 36 and I just wanted to get this ball rolling since I wasn't getting any younger. Getting a late start on parenthood definitely has it's disadvantages, after 35 you are automatically put in the "high risk" category for pregnancy. But I was always in great health, always very regular monthly, and come from the most fertile family on the planet! I didn't think I would really have any issues getting pregnant whatsoever. I learned of BBT (monitoring your basal body temp) to help track ovulation to help get the perfect timing right. Also, I learned of using OPK's (Ovulation prediction kits) as well. It's crazy to think that you literally have a 24 hour window after you ovulate to get pregnant! I mean, those are crazy odds! Yet we live in an overpopulated world! Hard to believe so many people timed that just right! haha! 

 Anyway, so after getting the swing of taking my daily temps and OPK's...my chart indicated that it was that time to get busy! So we did, and then we entered the 2 week wait. Waiting seemed like torture and I must admit I bought like 10 pregnancy tests and began testing waaaayyy to early. Then there it was. On day 11 past ovulation...I saw it! This little faint line indicating I was pregnant! Words can't describe how I felt. A mixture of disbelief, excitement, and being scared all in one! It was very early December so I put the positive test in a gift bag and told my husband I got him an early Christmas gift! It was such an awesome feeling! Then....a few days later....I started spotting. 

My sister told me that spotting during the first trimester was totally normal, and it was nothing to worry about. But as the night progressed, the spotting became heavier and turned to bright red blood. I knew this wasn't normal. I called my OBGYN and told her what was happening. She told me unfortunately I was miscarrying and nothing could be done. This was on a friday night, so obviously they were closed. But she told me to make an appt Monday morning to come in and get my HCG levels checked. That weekend I passed tissue like I never passed before. I knew that was my baby. And I never felt so sad. I didn't even get a chance to get used to the idea...and it was gone. 

 I went in Monday morning and they took some blood to check my levels. Tuesday, I got a call saying they were negative. When I went in for a followup...they gave it a name I soon will become all too familiar with. "Chemical Pregnancy". Basically, you miscarry shortly after implantation, which a lot of women who aren't testing don't even know they were pregnant. It happens just a little after the 4 week mark and most just think their periods are a few days late and slightly heavier. It goes like it never happened. The studies say 70% of pregnancies will end in miscarriage. And that rate could be higher since most don't know they experienced a Chemical Pregnancy.

The doctor informed me since my levels had already gone down to negative, it would be ok to try again whenever. At first I felt weird about that, but then I realized...if it's safe...why not? Let's do it!

Intro

I created this blog as not only an outlet for me to write my experiences, but to also share my experiences with others who may be going through the same thing. This blog is about my journey for a family.

 I have suffered 4 miscarriages over the past 9 months. It's been a very long and difficult year to say the least. They say writing is a way of healing....so I decided to give it a try. I have read other blogs of women who have gone through the same thing, and I found it so inspiring to read. I was glad they documented their journey for others like myself looking for anything or anyone to relate to. 

I hope this helps someone who is struggling with miscarriages. They aren't talked about frequently. Many like to slide it under the rug and treat it as an embarrassment. I too felt that way after my first miscarriage. I didn't want anyone to know - and having to tell the small few I had miscarried was awful. 

But now, I have reached a point of acceptance. This is nothing I am doing on purpose. This is just something that is unfortunately happening, and it's ok to talk about. So here I am...and hopefully it will help those who need a little inspiration, or at least just to read something that is relatable so you don't feel so alone.