I'm out.

So I had an interesting weekend. As I was 15dpo and still pulling in negatives on my tests...I pretty much gave up hope for the month. With cramps starting in and just that feeling you get when aunt flow is on her way - I decided to stop the meds and just wait for the inevitable to happen. I also decided I had deprived myself of sushi for way too long and that my body needed it. Fortunately I have an amazing husband that knows when to not say no during certain times I request it. It was very delicious.

  The next morning, I had a few tests left. I decided, I was 15dpo, my period should have started but didn't. So why not? 3 minutes later I was staring at the most faintest line. But not to the point where I am holding a flashlight to the back of the test to try and see it. I could actually just see it with my own two eyes. I sent a pic to my sister, and she too saw it. Could it be?? It was so faint that it really made me nervous if it were true. At 15dpo, you should have a pretty defined line by then. I went ahead and started back on my meds just in case.

  The next day, I retested. Again...a little faint line, but not any darker than before. Same color, hardly visible, You would totally miss it if you weren't looking hard enough for it. But nonetheless, it was there. When I went to put in my vaginal progesterone suppositories that morning, I felt my cervix while doing so just to determine if it was open or closed...and it was open. Oh here we go. Faint positives, open cervix = never good.

  So now I am faced with two things. Are these false positives, or am I about to experience yet another chemical. No more than 2 hours later...I started spotting. Cycle Day 31. Which is completely normal timing for my period. (I average between day 28-31). My other chemicals were so much different. I would have a very pronounced line from like cycle day 10-12, and then wouldn't miscarry until cycle day 35-40. So this one is a little weird. Anyway, later last night, I passed tissue. Very distinct tissue that (sorry to get graphic) but you couldn't pull it apart. I never pass tissue like that during my regular period. Another weird thing to counter that, is that my bleeding wasn't bad at all. I had some cramping, my back hurt, and I bled last night - light/medium flow. Today....virtually nothing. A little brown spotting. I am not even wearing a tampon because there is no need! Usually my periods (or miscarriage) I bleed for at least 3/4 days. 1 day of bleeding and done? So bizarre.

  I just don't know what to think. I didn't test again this morning because I felt it was kind of pointless. Obviously one of the two happened (period or miscarriage) and I certainly am not pregnant. But it was all just very strange.

  I had a moment of weakness last night as well. I broke down. After everything I have done, after everything I have tried...to end this cycle this way...just as confused as ever. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I am tired. I am emotionally drained. The ending of this cycle was like a sick joke. A gut punch finale. Pretty cruel. I told my husband that I think I have one more attempt in me. But if that too fails, I think I am done. I can't do this anymore. The waking up and taking my temp every morning, the starting of certain medications on certain cycle days, the trying to pinpoint ovulation perfectly for intralipids, the expensive intralipid shots for nothing if it doesn't work out, the timed sex that has turned more into a science project than fun, the two weeks of constant tests, waiting, lovenox injections, vaginal suppositories, steroid pills, 8 billion vitamins morning and night, watching my diet so I steer clear of inflammatory foods...etc....etc.....etc. I just can't do it much longer. I don't have much more to give. 2 years of this....I am at the end of my rope.

  So we will just wait and see what October has in store for us. Maybe that will be the golden month. Maybe not. But I am just going to try and focus on doing everything I can to keep my head from going to dark places in the midst of all of this nonsense. Keep my eye on the prize so to speak. But in the meantime, understand that we just may have to start exploring other options soon. Maybe someday this nightmare will be over.

Still waiting

  The two week waiting period is the most brutal wait time. But as of yet, still nothing to report. I am either 12dpo or 10dpo right now. But my instincts are telling me I am 10dpo because my temp went back down that friday (cycle day 15) and my temps never go down post ovulation. And I typically (based on past charting) ovulate on cycle day 15. So it would all make sense that I would be 10dpo right now - which would mean it would still be slightly too early to get any results on a test. I am hoping by thursday I will know either way so I can move on with intralipids or I can stop lovenox. Either way, I am eager for a direction.

  I am feeling lots of symptoms of pregnancy, sore boobs, twinges in my ovaries, bloated, tired, etc..etc. But I am also on progesterone supplements so those can add to those symptoms, which means I cannot count on that whatsoever. I just have to wait and be patient.

  In the meantime, my belly is bruised from the lovenox injections, and I managed to boost my progesterone daily intake to 600mg which my doctor wanted without feeling any negative side effects as before (rapid heart rate). What I have been doing is taking the 100mg pills and using two at a time. (6 pills a day) So the mg is still low but still getting that 600mg daily. I don't know why that makes a difference vs the 200mg pills 3 x daily which I was originally prescribed - but it seems to be working so whatever.

  Other than that - same ol' ish different day! Hopefully in the next few days I will have more to report. Stay tuned!

Now we wait.

It's been a pretty busy couple weeks. This past week I headed down to the outer banks of NC for some much needed vacation time with the family.

  Weds I took an ovulation test and it came back positive. That was on cycle day 13! I know I said before that I don't really trust those, but I need to use every single thing I can to try and predict ovulation accordingly so I added it to the list of things to do. Anyway, it was shockingly positive on day 13 which means (according to them) I am going to ovulate within the next 12-36 hours! So I hurried and called my infusion nurse and begged if she could come that evening to give me the intralipid injection since I felt I would ovulate the next day or day after. She came and I got my infusion! So nice of her to do that. 

The shot wasn't bad. She injected it into my arm, sat with me for 45 mins to make sure there wasn't a bad reaction, taught us how to take out the needle, and then left. I had to sit there for 3 hrs! We did nothing right when we took out the needle! Haha! Blood everywhere! But got it under control. She will have to reteach us next time if I hopefully get a positive pregnancy test this month. 

  So we did everything we could do to hopefully have gotten the job done. Now for the two week wait to see if it was all successful. I can't believe we are finally trying again. I'm trying my best to be calm and chill through this. I am accepting the past and the realities of it all. But still remaining hopeful that maybe this time will be different. 

  So now we wait. Stay tuned!!