Started my period today. Gonna brush off last month and start this one with a positive outlook. November marks the 2 year anniversary of this very long journey of ours. 2 years in a row - I have successfully conceived in November (even though they didn't stick around). So hopefully I can shoot for 3 and it will actually stick around this time! :)
Crazy it's been 2 years now. What a crazy ride it's been.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Sadness
Well, another month gone, and still nothing. I am just still waiting for my period to start and the wait is absolutely brutal. Because it plays tricks on your mind. You think - well there could still be a small chance I am...but as the days progress, and the negative tests still come, hope just fades away.
Being in this situation is hard. It's hard to constantly swallow this pill month after month - as you watch others lives progress in ways you thought yours would. A new birth announcement, "it's a girl/boy" posts, "I'm pregnant" posts...baby bump posts. Kids halloween costume posts. My daughter said the cutest thing posts. "I took my kids to the pumpkin patch" posts. Everything stings. It all weighs heavily on me. And that sucks, because nobody is doing anything wrong. This is my own personal hell.
Putting on a brave face day in and day out. Trying to be strong and happy, meanwhile I am slowly crumbling inside. I know I am in a funk right now, simply because another month is over and I have nothing to show for it. So this is me just being emotional over it all. But the simple fact of the matter is, I am sad. And I am just tired. I wish I could finally wake from this never ending nightmare. All I wanted was to start a family. Why is it so easy for some, yet impossible for others? I'll never make sense of this.
Being in this situation is hard. It's hard to constantly swallow this pill month after month - as you watch others lives progress in ways you thought yours would. A new birth announcement, "it's a girl/boy" posts, "I'm pregnant" posts...baby bump posts. Kids halloween costume posts. My daughter said the cutest thing posts. "I took my kids to the pumpkin patch" posts. Everything stings. It all weighs heavily on me. And that sucks, because nobody is doing anything wrong. This is my own personal hell.
Putting on a brave face day in and day out. Trying to be strong and happy, meanwhile I am slowly crumbling inside. I know I am in a funk right now, simply because another month is over and I have nothing to show for it. So this is me just being emotional over it all. But the simple fact of the matter is, I am sad. And I am just tired. I wish I could finally wake from this never ending nightmare. All I wanted was to start a family. Why is it so easy for some, yet impossible for others? I'll never make sense of this.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Negatives..
I began testing on tuesday and so far nadda. Since I don't know when I ovulated, I am assuming I could be anywhere from 9dpo to 12 dpo. I was hoping to be 12 dpo because that would have put me right at the best time - since that would be the day after I had my intralipids. But that said, if I am 12 dpo - and still pulling negatives - that doesn't look promising for this month. If I ovulated later and only 9dpo....which would be realistic since I had a late period last month as well as getting a late opk this month on top of another temp spike on cycle day 17...so I very well could only be 9dpo. Which still puts me in the game, however, intralipids wouldn't have been effective then. As well as Cycle day 17 fell on a tuesday, I stopped doing the deed on that sunday. But sperm can survive up to 5 days so that really doesn't matter if I ovulated 2 days after the last time we had sex.
Either way, I guess I will just test until I get my period. Which will be next week at some point. Why not just not test until my missed period you ask? Because the sooner I know if I am, the better because the second I get that positive - will be the second I will schedule another round of intralipids. The moment that baby implants is crucial to this treatment. I need my body to be calm and to keep my nk levels down during that crucial time. So unfortunately, I cannot take the wait and see approach.
I get so jealous when I hear stories of women who say "I didn't even realize I missed my period and before I knew it, I was 6/7 weeks along"! Just clueless that they were even expecting. I hate having to be so calculated about this. It's not fun. It's not exciting. It's like homework. Stressful homework before the big exam. Worried if you are going to pass or fail. Yeah, not fun at all.
Either way, I guess I will just test until I get my period. Which will be next week at some point. Why not just not test until my missed period you ask? Because the sooner I know if I am, the better because the second I get that positive - will be the second I will schedule another round of intralipids. The moment that baby implants is crucial to this treatment. I need my body to be calm and to keep my nk levels down during that crucial time. So unfortunately, I cannot take the wait and see approach.
I get so jealous when I hear stories of women who say "I didn't even realize I missed my period and before I knew it, I was 6/7 weeks along"! Just clueless that they were even expecting. I hate having to be so calculated about this. It's not fun. It's not exciting. It's like homework. Stressful homework before the big exam. Worried if you are going to pass or fail. Yeah, not fun at all.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Another waiting post.
Still not sure when/if I ovulated this month which is a sucky feeling because I have no clue if the things I am doing are timed accordingly. The only time this has happened was in November 2015 - and funny enough - I got pregnant that cycle. So perhaps just going with the flow and not so focused on how many days past ovulation I am might be a good thing. Less stress and worry perhaps? Not being like "I'm 11dpo...I should be seeing something on these tests by now!!" haha! This month I just have to really wait and see. Who knows. I am so tired of dealing with all of this anyway, that I am at the point of whatever.
Another thing I have decided is that if this doesn't happen again this month - next month I am not going to do intralipids at ovulation. I don't know how that will play out - but I cannot keep throwing down $450 for a) something I cannot time accurately enough and b) something I cannot afford to do on a monthly basis when I am not getting pregnant anyway. If I could have a nurse on standby it would be one thing - but I HAD to get my intralipids done on Friday because they don't do late visits, or short notice visits. And weekend visits cost extra. So I was forced to do this on a friday when I wasn't even sure when I was going to O this month. And it's only effective for 2 days before ovulation. I just can't keep taking chances like that financially. This month - if I didn't ovulate over the weekend - that was $450 down the toilet again for nothing. And if I didn't get pregnant this month - still $450 down the toilet. It's just too much. So I have decided I will just schedule an intralipid shot if I get a positive pregnancy test and hopefully that will be effective enough. But who knows anymore. I just can't keep digging myself further into debt for nothing.
All of this has become such a pain in the ass. I once thought having a baby, and trying for a baby was going to be so much fun and so exciting! I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be living this nightmare for 2 years now. And I don't feel any closer to an end than I was 2 years ago. :(
Another thing I have decided is that if this doesn't happen again this month - next month I am not going to do intralipids at ovulation. I don't know how that will play out - but I cannot keep throwing down $450 for a) something I cannot time accurately enough and b) something I cannot afford to do on a monthly basis when I am not getting pregnant anyway. If I could have a nurse on standby it would be one thing - but I HAD to get my intralipids done on Friday because they don't do late visits, or short notice visits. And weekend visits cost extra. So I was forced to do this on a friday when I wasn't even sure when I was going to O this month. And it's only effective for 2 days before ovulation. I just can't keep taking chances like that financially. This month - if I didn't ovulate over the weekend - that was $450 down the toilet again for nothing. And if I didn't get pregnant this month - still $450 down the toilet. It's just too much. So I have decided I will just schedule an intralipid shot if I get a positive pregnancy test and hopefully that will be effective enough. But who knows anymore. I just can't keep digging myself further into debt for nothing.
All of this has become such a pain in the ass. I once thought having a baby, and trying for a baby was going to be so much fun and so exciting! I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be living this nightmare for 2 years now. And I don't feel any closer to an end than I was 2 years ago. :(
Monday, October 10, 2016
Funky temps
Usually my pre-O temps fall down in the 97.45 to 97.60 range, then after ovulation, they go up to the 98.04 to 98.45 range and stay there until I get my period or stay up if I am pregnant. Well, last thursday my temp was 97.70 - since then it's been raised to 98 degrees then falls down to 97.90 then back to 98 or higher. Needless to say this is very frustrating because in order to predict when you ovulated - you need a clear shift. .2 degrees or higher. Thursday was cycle day 12, and I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate that day. My cervix has been open until today - today it felt closed. I also took an OPK from thurs-sunday and yesterday I got the most positive out of the bunch. So I am assuming due to the slight ovulation pain I experienced on Sunday, and my sore boobs yesterday and today that I ovulated either late Saturday or sunday. I wish I could confirm with my temps but unfortunately I can't go by that tool this month.
So I am guessing I am on 1DPO and I began taking my prednisone today. I will do my lovenox injections starting tonight and will start progesterone tomorrow (just to be sure). It sucks because I want to time these medications accurately but cannot due to not knowing when. So I just have to wing it. I had another intralipid infusion on Friday, so I really do pray I O'd over the weekend for it to be effective. Anything over 2 days it becomes useless.
So here we go. Let the waiting begin!
Oh in other news, I fell down the stairs and sprained the crap out of my ankle on Saturday! Not the first time I've down that too. I am such a klutz! So now I am hobbling around, in pain. Just stick that into the pile of sucky things I have to deal with! haha! Yay me!
So I am guessing I am on 1DPO and I began taking my prednisone today. I will do my lovenox injections starting tonight and will start progesterone tomorrow (just to be sure). It sucks because I want to time these medications accurately but cannot due to not knowing when. So I just have to wing it. I had another intralipid infusion on Friday, so I really do pray I O'd over the weekend for it to be effective. Anything over 2 days it becomes useless.
So here we go. Let the waiting begin!
Oh in other news, I fell down the stairs and sprained the crap out of my ankle on Saturday! Not the first time I've down that too. I am such a klutz! So now I am hobbling around, in pain. Just stick that into the pile of sucky things I have to deal with! haha! Yay me!
Monday, October 3, 2016
Gearing up again
I have reached cycle day 9 and this weekend we will start trying again. It's crazy how fast time flies. I just got back from a pre-anniversary weekend getaway at a family friends cabin. Just me and the husband and our dog Bailey. It was a perfect getaway. Surrounded by trees - no one around. Just us and nature. It was so peaceful. In the mornings, we'd sit on the porch and watch the deer play and graze right in front of us! It was almost out of a storybook. So yeah, needless to say it was very nice and much needed.
Now I am back to the grind and prepping to start up again this month. I have weaned myself off steroids and will be off of them for a solid week until I start up again around ovulation. That will give my body a little break in between. I've been on the plaquenil now for a little over 2 months now. I am really hoping it's taking effect in my system. They say it can take up to 3 months for it to be at it's strongest...but I hope this is still enough time to make a difference. I am a small person, so hopefully that will work to my advantage.
I will be doing another course of intralipids again this month - so I have to obviously time ovulation accordingly again. I will start testing the OPK's on thursday. The last cycle ended so weird, and my period was just bizarre - so I hope I can predict everything ok this cycle - and that things have sorted themselves out down there. It's hard to predict ovulation when you have wonky cycles sometimes.
Anyway, so here we go again. I am bracing myself for another very long two/three weeks. I am going to try not to stress, although I said that last month and by the end of it all - I completely disregarded that rule. It's hard sometimes to not get all worked up when you are trying so hard to make something work, and it doesn't. So I will just take things one step at a time and see where the road leads this time. Will update when I know more. :)
Now I am back to the grind and prepping to start up again this month. I have weaned myself off steroids and will be off of them for a solid week until I start up again around ovulation. That will give my body a little break in between. I've been on the plaquenil now for a little over 2 months now. I am really hoping it's taking effect in my system. They say it can take up to 3 months for it to be at it's strongest...but I hope this is still enough time to make a difference. I am a small person, so hopefully that will work to my advantage.
I will be doing another course of intralipids again this month - so I have to obviously time ovulation accordingly again. I will start testing the OPK's on thursday. The last cycle ended so weird, and my period was just bizarre - so I hope I can predict everything ok this cycle - and that things have sorted themselves out down there. It's hard to predict ovulation when you have wonky cycles sometimes.
Anyway, so here we go again. I am bracing myself for another very long two/three weeks. I am going to try not to stress, although I said that last month and by the end of it all - I completely disregarded that rule. It's hard sometimes to not get all worked up when you are trying so hard to make something work, and it doesn't. So I will just take things one step at a time and see where the road leads this time. Will update when I know more. :)
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