July 15th 2017

Sorry I haven't updated in a while - been a little busy with this new precious baby of ours. On July 13th around 12:00pm - I went to the restroom at work. I noticed after using the restroom - I continued to leak. I thought to myself "am I still peeing??" and then that quickly changed to excitement/panic when I realized, no...this was my water breaking. I was going into labor!!

 I hurried out of the bathroom and got back to my office where I was greeted by about 15 of my co-workers, all waiting on me to take me out to lunch for my 5 year work anniversary. I quickly told them that there had been a change of plans and that I needed someone to drive me to the hospital, stat. The look of panic on THEIR faces was priceless! So from there, my coworker rushed me to the hospital. I contacted my husband and family along the way and put everyone on alert that our little rainbow was about to come.

  Once at the hospital, I was quickly checked in and brought to the delivery room. My husband finally arrived and we waited on the doctor. Everyone then started to show up, my cheerleaders I should say. My mom, mother in law, sister in law and my sister who drove all the way up from NC to be with me was there. As we waited and waited and waited - I was leaking more and more fluid. I couldn't believe how much I lost - yet still no doctor. I wasn't even seen until 2 hours after checking in. Crazy. They tell you once your water breaks - it could happen anywhere from 1 - 6 hours later. Well, that wasn't the case for me. I wasn't even having contractions really. Finally my doctor came in, but really just to tell me that everything sounded fine on the monitors - but they weren't going to check my cervix until later since I wasn't having many contractions.

  The doctor finally came back to my room around 9pm to check my cervix for the first time. They don't like to do it very often after your water breaks because it can increase the risk of infection. But we needed to see where I stood. And I only stood at 1/2 cm dilated. Crazy! Immediately we knew - we were in for a loooooooong night. Everyone went home to rest that evening because we knew baby wasn't coming until the next day.

  July 14th came and not much action from there. I was checked again and they inserted a balloon into my cervix to help with dilation since I was only 3cm from the night before. That began a grueling long day. From the balloon, to only getting to 6cm by 4pm I felt it was never going to happen. They gave me some Pitocin and the epidural around 5pm since my contractions started to pick up a bit and boy were they painful. I was happy in a way that labor was taking a little while longer since I still had the lovenox blood thinner in my system and they won't give you an epidural if you have that - as it can lead to paralysis. So fortunately - I was in labor long enough to where they were ok giving me the epidural. I don't know what I would have done if I had to do that naturally. I don't know how people can do that. More power to them - but give me the drugs please.

 Anyway - once the epidural kicked in I felt instantly better. Of course - I was numb from the waist down so no pain whatsoever. haha. They put in a catheter for obvious reasons so it was actually nice to not have to worry about getting up at all. They did flip me over after every 20 mins. I will never take the use of my legs for granted though. It really was an eye opener not having use of them for a night. Anyway, as the night progressed - my contractions started getting stronger. (well I only felt pressure - no pain). By 9pm my cervix was dilated to about 8cm so we were on our way but still not there. By then my cheerleading squad was losing steam and most went home except for my sister in law. She was about to leave around midnight but decided to wait until the doctor came in which was any minute to see my progress. At midnight - I was 10cm and it was go time.

  So my sister in law went to the waiting room and everyone came in to prep for delivery. After 45 mins of prep - we started to push. My husband and the nurse both grabbed a thigh and I pushed 3 times during each contraction.

   This went on for an hour and a half and at 2:59am our little Ava Leigh Thomas made her debut to the world. My husband watched the entire thing which I couldn't believe. Ava weighed 6lbs 2oz and was 19inches long. She is very healthy and is stunningly beautiful with a full head of black hair. Our hearts just filled up with this intense love that I can't even possibly describe. She is perfect. Just absolutely perfect in every single way.

  So that is it. Our journey is over. Our struggle has ended. We got our beautiful rainbow baby that we had longed for, for so long. With every tear, heartbreak, fear and hope...we finally are able to close this chapter of our lives and begin the new one we had desired for so long. I never thought I would be here, typing this. As a new mother. But here I am! She is sleeping next to me in her bassinet and it's the most amazing feeling in the world.

  For those of you who are reading this, who are going through the horrible struggle of recurring miscarriages and infertility. Please, please, please never give up. Do as much research as you can, be your own advocate. Never settle for anything less than what you feel is right. If a doctor tells you no - find one who will tell you yes. Find one that listens. One that will work with you and not just the standard protocol treatments they know of. There is always an answer. There is always a way. Even if it seems hopeless. I felt my situation was hopeless...but I didn't give up. And I am so glad I didn't. My heart is with you all. It's a club I never wanted to be a part of - but the women I have met along the way gave me so much inspiration - that I only hope my story offers the same to those who are still on their journeys. This blog will always remain open to those who are seeking out answers, who need something to relate to, to gain tips for their own treatments or just in need of a little inspiration. I am always here to answer questions or offer my own advice for you. Be strong, be brave and good luck to you all. <3

 

37 Weeks!

Another milestone! I am officially "early term!" Woohoo!! She can come at any time and be perfectly fine! They wouldn't even try to stall labor at this point! So I am starting to get anxious/excited that within at most 3 weeks - she will be here.

 Monday I had another series of Dr.s appts. One with MFM and another with my regular OB. It will be that way every monday until she is here. At the MFM, they did the stress test where they hook your belly up to monitors and listen to her heart for 30 mins. At first she wasn't too active - so they gave me some OJ and she perked right up after that. Doctor said she passed with a 10 out of 10! Go Ava! Then we went in for the ultrasound and everything still looks great. She was doing a lot of practice breathing which was nice to see. Still didn't get a look at her face, as she kept putting her hands on her feet and pulling them up to her face, blocking it! haha! Guess it's getting pretty tight in there for her. Doc says that even if she was cooperating, the pic wouldn't be the greatest since it wouldn't even get her full face. She said the best pics - which you see online - are usually from 28-32 weeks. So we were fine just knowing she is happy and healthy in there. We will just wait to see her little face when she is here. Oh and the doctor says my test results are all normal - and the things that were out of range - are normal for pregnancy. So no signs of Preeclampsia! woohoo!

 At my second Dr. Appt, we did a Group B strep test, which is a bacteria in the vagina that up to 35% of women have. It's harmless and very common - however it can cause harm to a baby if delivering vaginally. So if you do have it - they will give you antibiotics upon labor to get rid of it so you don't pass it to the baby. I am not sure the results - but hopefully I don't have it since I am so done with having to take extra medications. Speaking of extra medications - I am switching over to Heparin finally. I was suppose to make the switch today - but my pharmacy didn't carry the prefilled syringes that I need. They only carry the vials. So I will have to go all the way to the hospital where my doctor is, which is about 20/25 mins away - to pick them up. Pain in the butt I tell ya! So I might just continue on the Lovenox until I am back in that area on Monday. I don't think I will be going into labor this week - I have no signs whatsoever. But you never know. So I am taking a risk because if I am still on Lovenox at the time of labor - they will have a harder time to reverse it. Which means, I won't have the option to get an epidural. Clearly you see my dilemma. I guess I just decided now that perhaps I will just take the drive on my lunch break and pick up the prescription - since I do NOT want the option of not having the epidural! hahha! Screw that! I don't want to feel a thing!

 Anyway, well that's really all I have for now. Til next week! :)

36 Weeks!

It is absolutely crazy how fast time is flying! Not that there is anything wrong with that, but man....this year has been the fastest year of my life! I blinked and suddenly here I am - 4 weeks shy from delivery!! That's even if they have me go to the full 40 weeks! Chances are it might only be 2 weeks left due to my age and whatnot. Yeah, I'm 38, aka old and high risk. We shall see!

 Last friday we toured the hospital. It was very informative actually and I am really glad we went, even though an hour of pretty much walking around, standing and yearning to sit really did it's toll on my poor feet. Some advice: schedule that in your second trimester!! lol! But touring the hospital kinda made everything seem so real. Like, I am going to be in one of those rooms soon. It's crazy.

 We also returned to see our MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctor on Monday. I will have an appt with her every week from here on out. Baby is measuring perfect and is weighing in at a whopping 6lbs 4oz!! She is in the 60th percentile and they are expecting her to be close to 8lbs by delivery! She did beautifully when they checked her diaphragm for practice breathing. On a score from 1-8 she got an 8! Go Ava! We unfortunately didn't get any pics of her face this time because her hands were covering it pretty much the entire time! There was one moment when she had her hand grabbing her toes and pulled her toes to her face - so we couldn't get a pic then either!! lol. It was really sweet to see nonetheless! Hopefully this monday we can get a better glimpse of her beautiful little face.

 The doctor ran a typical CBC test as well as tests to check up on that protein in my urine. Just to make sure I didn't have any developing signs of Preeclampsia or Hellp syndrome. All seems to have come back normal. I got the results before talking with my doctor since Quest Diagnostics sends them to my email as well. So I got online and researched everything and all seems to be great with that. But I will confirm it all with the doctor on Monday to be sure. My protein, glucose, albumin, and creatnine levels came back just under normal - however - they have this site that references what levels should be in pregnancy - and everything was in range for third trimester pregnancy except the glucose. That was still low.

 Anyway, all in all - things are still coasting along. I am trying to get as much done at work and around the house as I can before baby gets here since I know I will have no time afterwards. Even though I have zero energy to do it now. LOL. I long for an uninterrupted good night sleep. I think I have a better chance at winning the lottery these days!

 Well, that's all for now!

xo

35 Weeks!

5 more weeks to go!! And boy am I ready!! Between the swollen hands and feet, constant peeing, the lack of sleep, heartburn and just overall being uncomfortable - I am r-e-a-d-y!! We had our baby shower last sunday and had such an awesome time! I will post pics below in a minute. We got so many great gifts and had lots of fun playing cute baby shower games. My sister really outdid herself! It was very special.

 I had a dr. appt on Tuesday and they stated I have a little bit of protein in my urine. But my blood pressure is normal so she wasn't too concerned. I just hope it's not an onset beginning stage of Preeclampsia. Everything else went fine - baby sounds great and I am measuring 37 weeks!! Insane. I always felt my belly was pretty big for my date - but the dr. thinks it's just extra fluid in there. I wish I was 37 weeks! haha! Let's get this show on the road!

 Anyway, we have a few things coming up. Tomorrow we are doing a hospital tour of the Labor and Delivery dept. Just to learn where to go and what to expect once we are there. Then on Monday I will have my 35 week Maternal Fetal Medicine scan. I will start having those weekly after Monday since I am "high risk" aka old. Whatever - it's comforting to constantly keep tabs on her.

 Speaking of her - girlfriend is kicking and moving up a storm lately. I feel her little butt and feet press hard against my belly all of the time. It's very reassuring that she is growing as she should. She also get's hiccups frequently. Another good sign if you listen to the dr.s and not google. Google will scare you saying that the cord could be strangling her. Doctors will tell you that's a great sign her lungs are developing and that her diaphram is working as it should. See the difference. Stay off google!! haha

 In other exciting news, my job is allowing me to do my work from home after the baby is born!! It will only be part - time, but hey, better than nothing!! I am excited because that is a huge stress lifted off of my shoulders. Now I can still bring in some income and stay home with baby girl. Perfect. The only downfall - another stress - is that we have to move out of our adorable townhome. We simply cannot afford it with baby expenses on top of me going part time. So now on top of handling a newborn - we have to pack the entire house up and move. Our lease is up in Sept. What a nightmare that will be. But it is what it is. Gotta cut corners and save where you can, ya know?

 Anyway...here are some pics from the shower! I will keep in touch soon! xo

                                                         The beautiful quilt my sister made!

32 Weeks!

Another milestone down! At this point of the pregnancy, she will do extremely well if she were to be born from now til here on out! Very relieving to have made it this far! I am getting bigger by the day it seems, and more and more tired. All normal pregnancy stuff. But everything still seems to be moving along as they should. I have been feeling a lot of pelvic pressure and get a lot of braxton hicks, which is always somewhat unsettling. But from what I read, all normal things.

 I am officially going off prednisone today and hydroxychloroquine. I have dwindled down to 2mg of prednisone over the past week and I feel I am ready to completely be off of it now. The hydroxy stays in your system for like 50 days after going off and I would like it to be out of my system by the time she is here so there are no issues with it being in my breastmilk. Even though they say that it doesn't cause harm - still would like to be off of it. Less drugs, the better. Still a little apprehensive coming off of them since I have been used to being on them for so long, but I am also excited to NOT be on steroids anymore!! I just hope I keep thriving without them. But at this point - I am comfortable enough to do without.

  We are starting to receive gifts from the registry and we are going to be officially setting up the nursery this weekend. Crazy to even think about! I keep having to pinch myself that this is all really happening! These 8 weeks are going to fly, but will still be the longest 8 weeks of my life all at once. I am anxious to meet her. She is so active in there, kicks away and even has the hiccups on occasion.

   Here is the latest 32 week bump pic! I think I might topple over if I get any bigger! haha!

                                                                       32 Weeks

So that's about it! Til next time! xo
                                                                   

Horror Stories

I am a researcher by nature. I just want to learn every single thing about a topic I am interested in. So naturally when I began this journey - along with my hardships through this journey - I researched every single aspect of pregnancy. I swear I could write a damn book! But sometimes that research is not such a good thing.

  The internet is an amazing source of information. Type in anything and everything is at your fingertips! But type in a simple symptom, experience, question - and you get the worst of the worst stories. They make you paranoid. They legit turn you into a hypochondriac! Lately, I have stumbled upon some terrible stories and statistics regarding stillbirth or death of the mother after birth. It's just horrible and has been a cause of many disturbing, sleepless nights for me.

 I can't imagine coming all of this way, getting to the finish line - only to leave empty handed. My heart absolutely gets torn in half for those women, or men for that matter, who have dealt with that. It's so awful and there are no words. It has turned me into such a nervous wreck about labor and delivery! I want everything to go perfect, I mean who doesn't? But it's just so unsettling to know that it could all change in an instant! You can just never be comfortable at any point.

 Anyway, moral of this post is - I have got to stop reading this stuff. I have got to keep my internet research to the bare minimum these days or I am going to drive myself crazy! I have to hang in there for another 8-10 weeks. I can do this! I just have to keep my mind in a positive place and stop feeding into the horror stories that circulate the web.

 I advise everyone to do the same. It does nothing but make you stressed and worry. There is nothing wrong with being informed and prepared - but it's quite another to let that knowledge get the best of you - as I am doing. So from here on out - only positive stuff!!

Hope everyone has a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend!!

xo

30 Weeks!

I am officially in the 30's!! Crazy how time is flying! I have about 10 weeks left if she decides to stick in there until the bitter end! I hope so, but they can be unpredictable at this stage. My friends water broke at 37 weeks! So who knows...but so far things are still progressing nicely. I am starting to feel her roll around and poke her little feet/hands out. It's such a weird feeling. I gently poke back and she seems to like that game.

 My next Dr. appt is on Tues after memorial day. It's just a routine appt, blood pressure, pee in a cup, monitor heart beat deal. My next fetal medicine ultrasound isn't until 35 weeks, so we have a little wait for that. I am planning on weaning off the prednisone here soon. I will finish this week out with the 5mg and then next will taper down to 2.5. At this stage, I just really feel I don't really need it anymore. I am also going to go off hydroxychloroquine soon. Probably after 32 weeks. I just want to start minimizing as much as I can so when I breast feed - there won't be much flowing between me and her directly. Hydroxy stays in your system for like 50 days - but they say it isn't harmful for breastfeeding. So I am not too worried. It will definitely be nice to be off the steroids though!

 Other than that - pretty standard pregnancy symptoms going on. My fatigue is back with a bang. I have no energy anymore. I'm sure that is partially due to the fact that I barely sleep at night as well. When I am not pee'ing every hour - I am tossing and turning. So needless to say, I'm tired. Acid reflux is my enemy. It's brutttalll. I am trying not to OD on Zantec or Tums but man, it's hard! I can't eat anything anymore without it coming back and burning my throat. Ready for that to be over with. My feet...my poor, poor feet. They are taking the brunt of it all - along with my knees. It hurts to walk. But I just bought some new Toms so I am hoping that will help a bit. They are very comfortable.

 But I am embracing everything the best I can as I reach the final stretch with this pregnancy. I admire all women that have gone through this multiple times. I can honestly say, one time is plenty for me! haha! We have decided after all of this that if we were to have one...it would just be a singleton. Yeah I am not doing this again. haha! As I am further along though, it's become so much more real. Especially when I feel her little feet, and her moving around. It's very surreal. It's very weird. And it's very, very emotional for me. Because I cannot believe in just 10 short weeks or less, I will finally be able to hold her in my arms and my journey will finally be over as a new one begins. But every day is still a day by day mentality. I am optimistic to think that way, but I remain grounded. Pregnancy is a tricky beast and can throw you curve balls at any given time. So I am counting my blessings that I have made it this far, and I am hopeful we will reach the finish line without hiccups. Fingers crossed!

xo

Hello Third Trimester and 28 Week Scan!

Well technically 28 weeks in 2 days...but close enough. So today is the day we had our scan! We hadn't seen her in 2 months and I was VERY nervous going in. Obviously I want everything to be perfect and know she is growing well! Well, we went in and.............everything is perfect! She is 2.8lbs and in the 46th percentile! Everything looks great and measuring right on time! She was in a very awkward position to get really good photos - so we didn't walk away with the best pics! But she did move her hand away from her face long enough to snap a few decent shots!

                                                                       Nice butt shot! haha!

           So she is going to look a lot like her father!! I can already tell! I cannot wait to meet her! <3


                           As for myself, I have been getting bigger. Here is the latest bump pic:

Yeah - definitely a lot bigger than last time I posted! I am having tons of acid reflux, backache, knee and joint aches, and have gained almost 20lbs. I still am having sleepless nights filled with uncomfortable positions, pee breaks and insomnia. I am also insanely emotional lately as well. I cry at anything it seems!! SOOOO not me. I have been getting a lot of Braxton Hicks Contractions as well. One time was concerning at 26 weeks because they were pretty regular at every 10 mins. I had a total of 5. 1 every 10 minutes. I finally called my doctor and she didn't seem too concerned. I went in the next day for a checkup and again - they didn't seem concerned and told me to just call again if I get 6+. It hasn't happened like that since then - although I still get at least 5 a day. Very sporadically though. I talked to my fetal medicine dr. about it and she seemed a little more concerned about them and even measured my cervix. My cervix is still at almost 4mm so it looks great. After that she just said that some women's uterus just get more irritable than others and contract more. So she thinks that's probably what's going on with me. But it's something I definitely need to monitor for any changes in patterns with them.

Other than that, I am doing good. We got the crib and changing table in over the weekend and I will start on her nursery in a few weeks. I am also starting to plan my baby shower. I never thought I would actually be comfortable with doing any of that stuff - and don't get me wrong - I am still a huge ball of nerves! But now that I have reached a milestone again, I am settling down a little bit. I have over 2 months to go. Just need to relax and try to just enjoy this time.

 Oh....we are also officially going to announce the pregnancy tonight. I will upload our picture once we do so. (We still have to take it when we get home from work today). haha! It will be nice to finally let the cat out of the bag to the rest of the world!

Thanks for reading and Hope all is well out there!
xo


***update***

   Here is the announcement picture! We didn't do anything super creative...but cute nonetheless! Cats officially out of the bag now and everyone is very excited!!

 

24 weeks!

Today I reached a milestone, 24 weeks! If God forbid anything were to happen, she could have a 20% chance of surviving at this point! So naturally, I am finding myself slightly more at ease as the time progresses. Slightly. haha.

  Yesterday I had my Glucose test. I should get those results in a couple of days. Hope that all is well with that and have it be one less thing to worry about. My next appointments are in 4 weeks. It will be the 28 week checkup with the Maternal Fetal Medicine to measure her growth and another standard checkup with my OBGYN. So I am hoping for a relaxing and easy 4 weeks leading up to the next appointments.

  Things with me are going good as can be expected in pregnancy. I don't sleep well, my joints and knees ache, I get restless leg syndrome often before bed, the acid reflux sucks, and I wake up to pee every 2 hours at night. But other than that, I feel great! haha! I feel her moving around a lot more frequent now. She is now around my midsection and bounces from one end of my tummy to the other. She is going to definitely be a handful! haha!

Here is a 24 week bump shot:

So yeah, definitely rounding out there! (pardon the lovenox bruising). I hate those damn shots!

Anyway, that's the latest for now! I will keep you posted on the Glucose results when I learn more!

xo



***UPDATE*** Got the Glucose test results and I am in normal range. No Gestational Diabetes for me! Woohoo! One less thing to worry about! :)

20 Weeks 6 days

Today we had our 20 week anomaly scan even though I am a day shy of 21 weeks. I am thrillllledd to say that everything went perfectly! She is measuring right on time, and just looks great! Her heart, brain, organs, limbs, spine, everything were all perfect! The doctor said she was extremely happy and couldn't ask for better results. She is very confident that I will see this baby to term.

 They measured my cervix and it's long and closed so no signs of any preterm labor on the horizon. Very relieving. I feel I can KIND OF breathe a sigh of relief a bit now that all of the major scans are out of the way now. The next scans are just a checking in on ya kinda thing and should only last like 15 mins she said. So the next one will be May 8th and I should be about 28 weeks then. :)

  The ultrasound tech took many pics but after reviewing them...none of them were really great...haha! You can hardly make out what anything was. Especially the 3D image she did...it just looked like a blob. Disappointing but oh well. She did get a great profile pic which I will show below - as well as a cute image of her legs. So I am happy about that!

Is that not the cutest profile pic ever!!! I fall more and more in love with her every time I see her! I cannot wait to meet her! Gonna be weird not seeing her on the big screen for almost 2 months! I've sort of gotten used to these monthly appts. But I'm not keen on constant ultrasounds - so I will let her have a little break from them too! haha

Next appt for me is the Glucose test at my OBGYN. Hopefully all goes well there and my sugar levels are normal. We shall see!

Well that's all for now! Happy my little baby bean is growing and healthy! Now just keep cooking for another 4 months!!! haha!!

xo

Halfway Mark! 20 Weeks!!

I can't believe I have reached the halfway milestone! It blows my mind! I am still a nervous nelly about everything but as time goes on...I'm starting to relax a tad bit more. Especially now that I am feeling her move on an every day basis now. That is SO comforting to me. I haven't even had to use the doppler since that is enough for me to know she is still kicking in there (literally).

  I had my regular appt with my OBGYN the other day, and it went really well! They pass me around each visit to different doctors because they want me to be familiar with everyone. That way if I go into labor and one of them is on call, I have a familiar face to see. Well this time it was a male doctor - first male gyno I've ever seen. (I tend to stick with the ladies since, well, they can relate more and obviously less awkward). Anyway, he was super nice, professional and made me feel very comfortable. We listened to baby, and she sounded great. He had to chase her around my belly because she was bouncing all over! She's an active one, I tell ya! We are going to have our hands full!

 We discussed everything as far as medications, and I told him I have decided to stay on the prednisone. I'd rather have that extra something to fight inflammation than risk anything at this point. I have done as much research as I can about it, and since I am going to be on a very low dose - I shouldn't have any bad effects for myself or baby. I am not crazy about staying on it - but I feel more comfortable knowing I am doing everything I can to keep my inflammation issues at bay.

  Anyway, we have our "20" week scan (even though I will be almost 21 weeks then) on Tuesday the 21st. I am not thrilled with doing all of these ultrasounds because I hear it could be bad to constantly do ultrasounds. They link everything to Autism these days and this is one of them. So I'm not sure if I am a believer in that or not - but it does plant a seed in your head and make you paranoid. Anyway, we are going to make sure she's growing nicely and check her heart and whatnot. Hopefully all is ok in there! I feel her kick so much now that I definitely know she has grown! haha!

  Speaking of grown, here is a 20 week belly shot. Not much different from the last belly shot, but figured I would include the milestone pic anyway! ;)

I am in desperate need of some maternity clothes now since I am outgrowing all of my shirts and pants! It also better start warming up soon, since I am having trouble zipping up my winter coat now! haha! 

Anyway, other than the heartburn/indigestion and the insomnia at nights, I'm feeling pretty damn good! I have gained energy back and I am feeling slightly like my old self again! I will touch base again after Tuesdays appt! Fingers crossed all goes well! 

xo

19 Weeks!

1 more week til I'm halfway there! Things are still going great so far...I almost feel like I am jinxing myself writing about it right now. It's so scary as time progresses, I just want to fast forward to August so I can stop worrying! But like I said, so far so good so just trying to relax and enjoy as much as possible. 

  I was complaining to my sister yesterday that I still haven't felt much movement from Ava yet. I have felt things which I thought was her, but nothing so defined to where I could differentiate between her or gas. haha! Thank God for the doppler which allows me to check in on her from time to time, otherwise I would be a complete nut about it. BUT last night, and much of yesterday I finally felt movement!! And I was certain it was her. Lots of little pokes and wriggling around. It's a very weird, yet comforting feeling. I hope I start feeling her now a lot more frequent to help ease my mind. 

  I have some appointments coming up, one just a standard check up with my obgyn on the 13th and another (the big one) the 20 week scan on the 21st. Although I will be closer to 21 weeks at that time. I just pray that she is happy and healthy in there. I think if I can make it to 24 weeks I will be able to breathe a little bit easier about the whole thing. (that's when premies have a chance at survival). 

 But enough of that worry talk...here is a recent bump pic! Definitely looking pregnant now and I am still getting adjusted to my ever changing body! It's really surreal! 

I am definitely out of the morning sickness phase, gaining my energy back and am hungrier than a hippo these days. I feel like I never stop eating!! Funny thing about my cravings - I get a STRONG craving for something...have it for about a week straight, then don't think twice about it again. So bizarre! haha! I'm sure I am driving my husband crazy with the endless changes in diet! lol

Anyway, that's all for now! 

xo

17 Weeks

Hello there! Yesterday was our 16 week ultrasound and everything went fantastic! She is measuring 16 weeks 6 days yesterday so that would make today 17 weeks!! Crazy!! We had an early morning appt. which I like because waiting around all day for an important ultrasound is nerve wracking in itself. So I'm happy to fight the morning rush hour to have the appt first thing. Our ultrasound tech was super nice and jolly. She made me feel comfortable as she was walking us through what we were seeing. Everything looked perfect and she's growing right on schedule. Her spine is fully closed so no worries for Spinal Bifida. And her lips and palate are perfectly formed so no worries for cleft lip! Woohoo!

   She was bouncing all over and we think she even had the hiccups! It was really sweet to watch and the tech snapped and snapped so many pictures for us!! I walked about holding practically a book of pictures! She even attempted a 3D pic even though she said they just always look weird at this stage because they are still so young. Ava had her hand to her face like "no more pictures!!" haha! They also did a transvaginal ultrasound to take a closer look at my cervix which they said looked "beautiful". I think I might have blushed! haha jk.

  Anyway, here are a few pics of my little girl:

 

I adore this little one so much already. So our next ultrasound will be the 20 week one in about a month. Technically it will be a 21 week ultrasound by the time I get there. But that's the one where they do all of the nitty gritty observation. I am nervous of course, but everything seems to be going pretty well so far so I am optimistic for the next. 

A few things we did discuss that were important were staying on the prednisone and going off the progesterone shots. Two important things that I credit mostly getting me this far. To think of going off those scare the crap out of me. It's like I am trusting my body to do it's job, when we all know very well my body can be an asshole.

My placenta is fully developed and my doctor told me she feels comfortable if I go off the shots. She stated the placenta produces more progesterone than the shots could give and that I just don't need them anymore. I am going to take a leap of faith and just trust her. It's hard for me to do that, since I am a control freak, but I really need to let go and let her do her job. So last night, I didn't take a shot...and I am on pins and needles of how well my body is going to react to that. Everytime I go to the bathroom I'm scared to death. But today, still seems good so I am hoping it just continues to go well. And man, I really am glad to not have those shots anymore. They were brutal.

The other concern is the prednisone (steroid). I am to wean off of those by 20 weeks. However, I have weaned down from 40mg to now 10mg. It's the only thing besides the hydroxychloroquine I am taking to help keep my inflammation at bay. And I am scared to go off of it entirely because if I do...I am taking a risk of inuterine growth restriction, and preterm labor which is caused by tnf and inflammation. If I stay on the prednisone - I still run the risk of both - but the risk is much lower. I also will have to take a cortisone stress shot at delivery so my body doesn't freak out. If I don't take that shot - my body could shut down and I could die. Yeah, fun. And even though I am out of the woods with the cleft lip concern that they say could be caused by prednisone, I am nervous about any other side effects it could have on her. So I have to decide if I want to take the risks and stay on it, to help give me just one more thing to tackle my inflammation issues, or do I want to go off it and take the risk that the hydroxychloroquine will be enough to maintain everything. Clearly I have a big decision to ponder. Not one I am taking lightly. I will let you know what I decide. 

Lastly, I finally let the cat out of the bag at work today. Several had grown suspicious because I am starting to really show - and I knew I couldn't hide it much longer. So now that it's out, it's kind of nice to have everyone's support and also be able to wear normal "non baggy" shirts. Haha. I can finally show off the bump with pride. 

Everything is still very exciting but still very scary. I am reluctant to let myself get too invested because I am trying to keep one foot grounded since we still have a very long way to go here and so much can go wrong at any given time. I hate being that way and it sounds so negative especially after such a great news day yesterday. But that's just my jaded history refusing to let me forget just how fragile this situation is as much as I would love to. 

So I will continue to just take one step at a time. Day by day. And hope all ends on a happy note. 

xo

15 1/2 weeks

Hey all! Been a while! Not much has been happening really which is GREAT news. No news for me is always great news! haha! I am starting to finally come out of the 1st trimester daze and gaining some energy back. My morning sickness has subsided for the most part - however I did puke last week and dry heaved twice this week....so it's still lingering a bit. I have had this weird symptom of excessive saliva - which is absolutely gross. I literally have to spit every 5 seconds. And swallowing it is worse and just makes me more nauseous. So I am reaaallly waiting for that symptom to finally pass. It's the worst.

   I can almost guarantee now that I felt her move today. This past week I have been feeling flutters - but I also have had pretty bad gas (another lovely symptom) so I cannot differentiate between the two. However today...it felt just different and I am fairly certain it's her moving around in there now. I am tiny (112lbs) so they say if you are small you can feel it sooner. I can't wait to really start feeling her move so I can have that comfort of knowing she's ok in there! I do check up on her on the home doppler I bought and her heart rate is perfect each time - so that puts my mind at ease when I am feeling a little antsy.

  Next tuesday will be the 17 week checkup. (well 16 and some change). I am so nervous for it because they are looking for specifics as I mentioned in the last post. I just hope baby girl is happy and healthy in there. You read so many stories, and also just based on my own nightmare experiences I just never know what to expect. So all I can do is wait and see, and hope for the best!

  My husband is so sweet, he ordered two books from Amazon about tips on fatherhood and how to raise a daughter! So cute I cried a bit because he is just so excited! He is going to be an incredible father! Ava is very lucky!! (so am I) ;)

Anyway, today is valentines day and I hope everyone has a lovely one!

Talk soon!

xo

2nd Trimester

Hey all, checking in over here! Well I am now entering the 2nd Trimester! Can't believe it! Today I had a regular obgyn appt just to check in on things. She busted out the doppler and we instantly heard babys heart just beating away. She said it sounded beautiful and perfect. Right where it needs to be. Nice and comforting when I get to hear her.

  We talked about progesterone and the fact that I would like to remain on it at least until my 16 week scan. Reason being, when I was at my 12 week scan, my placenta wasn't fully developed yet. So I didn't want to come off the shots until I knew my placenta was up and running properly. Well now that I am 14 weeks, things *should* be working as they should. But keep in mind - this is MY body we are talking about. Everything goes wrong with my body! haha! So I don't want to go off progesterone if things aren't how they should be, and risk losing the baby. I have heard numerous stories (damn you google) of women going off progesterone at 12 weeks and then have placental failure and lose their little ones. If I can prevent that, I will.

  The shots suck, they are taking a drastic disastrous effect on my skin, but it's also what I know is helping keep this little one healthy. Both doctors say there is no harm staying on them until my 16 week appt, so no harm no foul right? So I will be poked in the butt a few more weeks and see where we are at at the ultrasound on the 21st.

  Other than that, nothing really new to report. My morning sickness is finally subsiding! And I am starting to gain a bit of my energy back. I am starting to feel like myself again, only a more pimply, bumpier version of myself. haha

 Speaking of bumps, I do have a tiny one showing now. Since I am not posting any social media announcements, I can share my bump pics here! :)

 

Not the greatest pic...but it will do for now. 

So the next scan coming up is another one I am nervous about. They will look for issues such as cleft lip, spinal bifida, and heart defects. I was offered to do a blood test to determine if they could tell these things earlier - but I just decided to wait for the scan. I would rather just enjoy my moments right now and see everything at once. Although, on the ultrasound at 12 weeks they got really good shots of her spine and said everything looked great, so I am praying for the same feedback on the 21st (obviously) haha. Anyway, that's all for now!! xo

12 weeks 5 days

I had my ultrasound today and that is what the baby is measuring! I have tons of great news today! So much to share!!! First off, let me just show you pictures of my beautiful, bouncy healthy baby!

The ultrasound couldn't have gone better! Baby was measuring at almost 13 weeks, everything looked great! Nuchal fluid measured normal, nasal bone was visable, saw normal brain development, organs, stomach, feet, hands! Baby was kicking, bouncing, and restless!! It all looked like a dream! Then we got the blood results and they came back at 1 and 10,000 chance of having a chromosome abnormality! Amazing news!!! ALLSOOOOOO........it's a GIRLLLLLLL!!!!!! We are having a little girl!!!!! I am overwhelmed with joy! I need to constantly pinch myself to believe this is all actually real. But yes, things are real and things are progressing wonderfully!

Now to bring myself back down to earth a bit. I am still having to remain very cautiously optimistic here. We are by no means out of the woods. We have a very long road ahead of us. I still have inflammation issues that hopefully the hydroxychloroquine will help keep at bay. They are monitoring me like a hawk. I cannot and will not breathe a complete sigh of relief until this baby is in my arms. Until then I must remain grounded and keep myself leveled here. 

But today, today is wonderful and I am so excited to share it here. It's been such a long journey and to see it come this far, well there are simply no words. I just pray it continues and I will finally get to hold this little rainbow soon. 

<3 <3 <3 

11 weeks 4 days

Well, things are still moving along! I haven't brown spotted in almost a week and I am officially getting a little bump! Can't believe this Saturday I will be 12 weeks! Insane. I am feeling ok, still very tired, and have no motivation at all to do much. But coasting along.

So today I went in to have my blood drawn for the cfDNA testing. I also had a nice sit down meeting with my genetic counselor. We talked about all of the things they will be looking for with the bloodwork and the upcoming ultrasound on the 23rd. I am 38, had 5 miscarriages and have a ton of issues - so naturally, being high risk as I am, they are being extra careful with me. There is a lot that I am up against here and I know that. This TNF crap is a real issue, and will be a real issue throughout the pregnancy. Inflammation is no good, so I have to figure out how I am going to maintain that - which my GC said she will research as much as she can to help me along the way with this. I really liked her....she genuinely seemed like she cared.

  Anyway, so the bloodwork will take 7-10 days for it to come in, and we will have the ultrasound results right away. So hopefully by the end of next week, I will learn all I need to learn about the baby. We will know the sex, and if it will have any chromosome issues or not. Scary times ahead, and I just pray everything comes out perfect. But only time will tell us those answers. For now, things are still kicking and I am happy about that.

10 Weeks 4 days

Hello there. Just thought I'd give a weekly update here. Nothing really crazy to report which is good I guess! I did have a moment on Sunday night where I went to the bathroom and wiped pinkish blood. It wasn't much and didn't last long, but definitely made me sigh "here we go again". It soon after turned to brownish discharge and I have been brown spotting ever since. Which sucks, but I feel I have been on this roller coaster of brown spotting/bleeding since week 5 so it's almost my norm now.

  The only comfort I can take away from it is that it's brown, which means old blood, and also even when I was bleeding red, every check up and ultrasound I had after - the baby was fine. So I am trying to keep calm that where ever this little bleeding is taking place, hopefully it has no effect on baby. I am on so many blood thinners that it doesn't really surprise me that I would be bleeding more than normal. From what I read, our bodies turn into one giant pumping blood vessel when pregnant and everything is heightened. So anything from a bad move, sex, a bowel movement, hormones, etc can cause irritation or a burst of a vessel. Add blood thinners to the mix and it's enhanced! So I am just thinking that falls along the lines of why I may be bleeding more than an average pregnant person. But who knows. I am not a doctor so this theory of mine is just what is helping me sleep at night.

  I did break down and buy a fetal doppler yesterday. I haven't received it, it will come in on Friday. I am scared to use it for several reasons. I have read that it's not good to constantly scan your belly, as those things can heat tissue and can cause issues with the baby if not used properly. Another is because I am scared it will make me paranoid if I cannot pick up on anything. But then there is the flipside of that, where if I do hear something, it will totally put my mind at ease. So you see my dilemma. But I went ahead and just got it just to have, and break out if I absolutely cannot take it anymore or if I am feeling super nervous.

  My 12 week ultrasound/bloodwork to determine if everything is ok as far as chromosome issues and whatnot is on the 23rd. I am SO nervous for that. Well, first I hope I even make it to that point, and second, if I do make it to that point, pray that everything is ok with baby. We should also find out the sex of the baby through DNA bloodwork. It will take about 10 days for all of the results to come in. I know that will be the longest 10 days of my life. I feel like time is already going by sooooo slow because I am just so anxious to get out of this dreaded 1st trimester. Not that the 2nd or 3rd will be any more comforting for me. I am super high risk throughout this entire thing - so I will never rest easy.

  I am still feeling super tired and I threw up the other day. So that sucked, but made me feel a bit comforted knowing that hormones are still going strong. Starting to see a tiny little "bump" now...well it's probably more bloat than bump...but definitely noticeable.

Anyway, that's all for now! Will touch base again with hopefully nothing interesting to report!! ;)

xo

9 weeks 4 days

Happy New Year!

 I spent my entire New year sick as a dog! I got the most terrible cold saturday evening and it is only now finally going away after a few days of hell. Of course when you are pregnant you cannot really take anything so you have to suffer through it all. Miserable I tell ya. On top of that I was so worried my immune system is so suppressed that my body would just fight off anything and everything it could. No good.

   So today I had an appt with my regular OBGYN to get all of the prenatal normal stuff out of the way. The appt went really well! She took out a fetal doppler and I was very relieved to hear a beautiful healthy heartbeat of 180 just fluttering away! The doctor was super pleased and said normally she doesn't hear anything before 9 weeks so she is assured baby is growing as it should and right where it should be. I was super relieved just to hear it at all! Yay for little baby steps! (pun intended).

  She also looked at my cervix and said it looked "prestine" which is a word I like to hear. There is still the brown discharge (which is very minimal but still there) and she said that could just be from the progesterone. She didn't seem worried so I guess I won't be either. Still would love it to just go away already.

  I will follow up again with another ultrasound at 12 weeks where we will do bloodwork as well to determine if there are any chromosome abnormalities and whatnot. (prayers for a healthy bean)! But overall, things are still moving ahead! This is the furthest I have been before and I am just praying things continue on this path. NO MORE WHAMMYS!! haha

Will check in again soon!

xo