Worries

Here I am again. The excitement has worn down and fear has now set in. Things are slowly changing in my "symptoms" that have me concerned. First, I do vaginal progesterone suppositories, and when I went to insert my morning pill, I checked my cervix and it felt really open. That's not good. Second, my boobs aren't hurting as much today. And third, I took another test this morning (just to see if it was getting darker) ((I know, stupid)), and it was actually lighter than it was yesterday.

  I don't know if I am being paranoid, or if I am just looking for things to go wrong because I am scared shitless...but my gut is telling me this just isn't right. I hope I am wrong, God I want to be wrong so bad. I don't have any cramping or spotting, so that is good. But typically my past losses occurred around 4weeks, 5 days. I am at 4 weeks 1 day. Having experienced these mentioned symptoms already just isn't promising. So much for being optimistic as I told myself I was going to be. But how can I given my track record? It's almost just to be expected at this point. And shocking if it actually works out.

  I am trying to maintain the attitude of "don't stress over things that haven't happened, because those things may never happen". But shit it's really hard to keep my mind from going into very dark holes. I'm scarred. I'm scared. I'm just lost on what to feel. I am petrified of having another miscarriage. I don't know how well emotionally I will be able to deal. I am already treading pretty thin on that front.

  I am writing these worries down to get them out in the open, because I don't want to bottle the way I am feeling up. I can't do that. I need to get this out so I can release it from my constant thoughts. If what I fear happens, then I will deal with it. But I simply will be at a loss on what to do for our next step.

  For now though, I am still pregnant. I. am. still. pregnant. And I have to tell myself that either for the next 9 months or the next 9 days or the next 9 hours. I have to live in the moment of now, and today...I am a mother of a 4 week old baby. I won't allow my body to take away that feeling just yet.