Well not even 5 minutes after writing the last post, I got some results back. And it's not good. My TNFa came back at 45.7 which is up from 37.1. Not good. Anything over 40 can damage egg quality they say. Clearly I am beyond disappointed. I really wanted to try again in July and now that has completely gone to shit. This has been the most frustrating ordeal I have ever experienced.
I definitely am keeping the consultation for the Endometriosis laproscopy to see if that is what is causing the issues. I pray it is - because then I will finally have a reason. Because I am baffled as to why this is so high. It really sucks. So now, depending on when they will even schedule me in for the surgery - things are starting to get pushed back into the Aug/Sept timeframe. Which makes it 4-5 months since the LIT treatment which only lasts in your system for 9 months. Clearly time is an issue here.
I feel like I have been gut punched. I feel like any hope to having my own child is just getting to be a dream that will never come true. I get so angry that so many women can get pregnant and enjoy their pregnancies. But I will NEVER get to have that. Even if I do get/remain pregnant - I will never enjoy it. Those entire 9 months will be lived in pure fear and worry. I won't get to joke about "no more after this!" or "This one was an accident" or even get to decide "we were only going to have one, but now we might go for another". I will be lucky if I get one.
I am sorry. I am having a pity party for myself, and just downright sad. I am just so beat up. You can only be kicked so many times before you can no longer pick yourself up off the ground. I'm tired of getting up. I'm just so sick of it all.
But I will pick myself up this time. And I will keep going. I have a little fight in me still, and I am going to do this for me and my husband. I cannot give up now, I have gone way too far. So I will just keep on doing what I need to do. Hopefully, someday, it will work out.
It's been awhile, so I thought I'd check in. Oh, KAS, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've had the EXACT same thoughts and feelings. It really doesn't seem fair, and with this stuff, there's no one to direct anger to because there's no one specifically to blame. I forget, aren't you in the tri-state area near New York? If so, another mom has directed me to the Seleni Institute on the upper east side. They have several psychologists who all specialize in women's issues around infertility, child loss, miscarriages and parenting issues. They also have free (and not free) support groups. My husband and I have been seeing someone there for a couple of months trying to cope with the news of our daughter's heart condition (very much compounded by the fact that we struggled with years of infertility). I know writing these posts is a release for you, but maybe talking to a professional will provide another therapeutic avenue for processing this stuff.
ReplyDeleteSorry, just saw you're in Virginia...
ReplyDeleteThanks for you comment and advice. I know I sound like I am breaking at times - and it truly is a lot to handle sometimes. But I am ok for now. I vent, I grieve, I cry, I yell...and then I move on. I get a lot off my chest here in the blog. I talk to online friends that I made who understand all of this, and I have a super duper supportive husband that allows me to cry on his shoulder and tells me it will all be ok regardless. I have a great team on my side, so I know I will be ok. As long as I stay connected with myself, allow myself to feel all of the things I need to feel and not bottle it up - I think I will get through this a stronger person. Regardless the outcome.
ReplyDeleteIt definitely sucks, and I hate this situation I am having to deal with. It's the hardest thing I will probably ever have to deal with. It is awful and wouldn't wish it upon anyone. But I am grateful that I have everything I have to help me. And if it gets to a point down the road where I feel I am at my wits end - and feel depression is taking me over - then I will seek professional help. Right now - I am not quite there yet, and I am hoping I will never have to be.
I still remain hopeful - despite the hopeless bumps and obstacles. But deep down, I feel that I will come out of this with my rainbow. I just can't give up. :)
I totally understand and respect your response. In hindsight, I realize my post sounded like I was making a judgment that you may need to talk to a professional. So sorry about that! I should've framed it differently (as I only really meant it as an additional resource IF you thought you could use it). I envy your ability to process your emotions and feelings so well WITHOUT having to pay $200 a session, lol. (Which is what I'm doing. Don't know if I mentioned, but our daughter has a serious heart defect that will require three surgeries before the age of three. So after two years of trying, and eventually giving up and going to donor, this is where we ended up. I'm still working through the anger. She will arrive in August so these feelings are mixed with a lot of love and excitement.)
ReplyDeleteOh man! I am so sorry to hear about your daughter!! That's so upsetting and one of my biggest fears. This high TNF issue effects egg quality so my fear is that I will finally get it down - but my eggs will be damaged and something won't be right with the baby. It's such a crapshoot! But I am so so sorry you have to go through that. I hope it will all work itself out and that she will be able to grow into a happy, healthy girl. But I know that has got to be scary.
ReplyDeleteI took no offense whatsoever to your comment regarding therapy! Honestly I am shocked I haven't felt I needed it yet! lol - Most would think I am just nuts or in denial for having gone through all of this mess without professional treatment. And it's not something I am opposed of, just feel I have it handled at the moment. But yeah, don't feel bad for suggesting it - because it's a logical suggestion. ;) I appreciate you taking the time and reading my posts and commenting! That right there is nice that people out there actually care enough to read what I have to say and respond with suggestions to help me. So your replies, suggestions and just well wishes are wonderful. Thank you!
Again, I am so sorry for the upcoming obstacles with your little girl. They can do wonders these days for those sort of issues - so I am sure she will be ok. My coworkers baby was born with a heart defect and had to have several surgeries after birth and a couple more times throughout his infancy....but he is now a happy and healthy little guy! So I am sure your little girl will be keeping you on your toes in no time!! ;)
Thanks for the words of encouragement. And I love hearing about other children and their success stories, so thanks for that too! Yeah, I gave up on my own eggs and went to donor to minimize the chance of having an unhealthy baby-- but I've also heard wonderful stories where people like yourself just kept trying and ended up having a perfect little baby. (I was just afraid of how long that would take for us, if at all, hence, moving on to donor.) The donor was in her early 20s with other successful donor egg babies with no issues. I swear - I just feel so cursed in this whole process. Anyway, we're here now and chose not to terminate. So we just intend to love her and be the best health advocates for her. We wanted to give her the opportunity to take on her own fight, and we're hopeful she'll win that fight and be okay.
ReplyDeleteThat's really courageous of you all to tackle that with her. She is lucky to have you both and I am sure she will pull through. Please keep me updated on your progress. Have you ever thought about starting a blog about your/her journey?
ReplyDeleteThank you! No, I don't enjoy writing that much -- keeping a blog would feel more like a task for me rather than an outlet. So for now, talking with certain friends and the therapist are what gets me through.
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