Decisions

So now we know what we are up against. I have a huge battle to face and several roads to take. Deciding which one is what I need to do. I spoke with my husband last night and he is willing to join me on a Canadian adventure to try and do the LIT procedure. My doctor says this procedure is 100% proven to help work and is our best shot. So I guess it's kinda a no brainer as to what we have to do. Canada is fortunately only 9 hrs away. And I would MUCH rather go there vs Mexico. So I put in an email and phone call to try and get that ball rolling. I have to determine the cost and whatnot.

  Our second thing to do is go to the Oncologist on Monday to determine what he can do for us. If he can code this in a way to where my insurance will cover the medicine, that would be fantastic! Because with both LIT and the Infusions, I think we have a great shot. (no pun intended). Nothing is set in stone and we have a lot of fears, risks, and anxiety about it all. It's pretty scary stuff. Messing with your immune system can open the doors for things you may not want. It takes a perfect cocktail of medicine to not fuck things up. I am confident in my dr.'s abilities to dose everything correctly, but it still is kind of playing with fire. Sure my immune system is in overdrive right now, but I certainly don't want to start getting illnesses and whatnot because I lowered it too much. So it's a risky thing to do.

  Another concern about this hyperactive immune system is that there may be an underlining issue going on. Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cancer, Endometriosis, some type of inflammation which could cause it to be in overdrive. Which scares me as well. I don't know, it's all so friggen crazy. I haven't been sick in 2 years and my doctor says this is why. You would think that would be a great thing, but to be honest, and I never thought I would say this, I kinda wish I would just get a cold! lol Something to tell me that my body is back to normal!

  I am trying to be optimistic about everything, but with the odds so stacked against me, it's really hard. Maybe I truly am just not meant to have kids? My sweet sister said as a last resort - I could consider her for surrogacy. Which honestly, would be my best option. But I don't want to ask that of her. I don't want to put her through all of that. On top of that, she has had to get c-sections for both of her past pregnancies which means she would have to get another one for mine. And that's just awful. So I just don't think that route is really desirable for either of us. Plus, I think her husband is a little weirded out by the idea. Can't say I blame him...but it's probably the most selfless thing to do for someone that I can think of. And I know she would do anything for me. And if the shoe was on the other foot....I would do it for her no questions asked. It's just what you do for the ones you love I suppose.

But hopefully we can get all of this sorted so it will never even come to that. I want to carry my own child. I want to experience pregnancy, I want to go through everything it requires - the good and the bad. I want to have my own kid. I just pray I can.