The start of a long year

Last year I got married. The happiest time in my life. I married my best friend, a wonderful guy who gets me. Which is hard to find, since I am an odd one. I had a life dream. I knew I one day would get married and have kids. It's what I always wanted and finally it was happening! Which is even crazier because, I honestly didn't think I would ever find someone to settle down with. 

My past "relationships" were all very different and all very wrong. I just couldn't seem to find anyone that understood me, who was on the same page as me. Someone who I could let down ALL of my guards and just be me. Until I met Brian. He is someone who no matter what, I can be my total self around. He doesn't judge me, he doesn't care if I am at my best or worst. He loves me. And I never thought I could care about someone so much. I truly love him, and I just can't describe how lucky I am to have him. Especially though the struggles we have gone through our first year of marriage.

 Brian knew I wanted to start a family right away. We did the right thing by dating, moving in with each other, getting engaged, being engaged for 10 months before the wedding. Ya know, the normal time you need to be absolutely sure this is someone you want to be with forever and have a family with. I had no doubts about him, and he seemed on board as well! So there we were....2 weeks after getting married, on our honeymoon when we decided...ok....let's try to make this three! I was SO excited!! Finally, we were really going to do this! We were going to be parents! We were going to start a family!

 I, someone who can get maybe a little too technical about things, wanted to waste no time. I wanted to hit this out of the park right away! I was approaching 36 and I just wanted to get this ball rolling since I wasn't getting any younger. Getting a late start on parenthood definitely has it's disadvantages, after 35 you are automatically put in the "high risk" category for pregnancy. But I was always in great health, always very regular monthly, and come from the most fertile family on the planet! I didn't think I would really have any issues getting pregnant whatsoever. I learned of BBT (monitoring your basal body temp) to help track ovulation to help get the perfect timing right. Also, I learned of using OPK's (Ovulation prediction kits) as well. It's crazy to think that you literally have a 24 hour window after you ovulate to get pregnant! I mean, those are crazy odds! Yet we live in an overpopulated world! Hard to believe so many people timed that just right! haha! 

 Anyway, so after getting the swing of taking my daily temps and OPK's...my chart indicated that it was that time to get busy! So we did, and then we entered the 2 week wait. Waiting seemed like torture and I must admit I bought like 10 pregnancy tests and began testing waaaayyy to early. Then there it was. On day 11 past ovulation...I saw it! This little faint line indicating I was pregnant! Words can't describe how I felt. A mixture of disbelief, excitement, and being scared all in one! It was very early December so I put the positive test in a gift bag and told my husband I got him an early Christmas gift! It was such an awesome feeling! Then....a few days later....I started spotting. 

My sister told me that spotting during the first trimester was totally normal, and it was nothing to worry about. But as the night progressed, the spotting became heavier and turned to bright red blood. I knew this wasn't normal. I called my OBGYN and told her what was happening. She told me unfortunately I was miscarrying and nothing could be done. This was on a friday night, so obviously they were closed. But she told me to make an appt Monday morning to come in and get my HCG levels checked. That weekend I passed tissue like I never passed before. I knew that was my baby. And I never felt so sad. I didn't even get a chance to get used to the idea...and it was gone. 

 I went in Monday morning and they took some blood to check my levels. Tuesday, I got a call saying they were negative. When I went in for a followup...they gave it a name I soon will become all too familiar with. "Chemical Pregnancy". Basically, you miscarry shortly after implantation, which a lot of women who aren't testing don't even know they were pregnant. It happens just a little after the 4 week mark and most just think their periods are a few days late and slightly heavier. It goes like it never happened. The studies say 70% of pregnancies will end in miscarriage. And that rate could be higher since most don't know they experienced a Chemical Pregnancy.

The doctor informed me since my levels had already gone down to negative, it would be ok to try again whenever. At first I felt weird about that, but then I realized...if it's safe...why not? Let's do it!