Trying again

After the green light to go again for round 2...I wasted no time to get back into my temping habits and opk's. Around the first of January, I felt a little dizzy. I would get dizzy when I stood up, and it lasted all morning. I also was going to the restroom every 5 minutes! I decided, well...let me just try to test and see. After going through the first loss, my excitement to test every 5 seconds wore down and I just wasn't that crazy about the whole thing anymore. Moreso just a little scared now. The excitement was gone. Those feelings had all been stripped away. Now all I had was nerves and the anxiety of it happening again. But most of the time - the 1st is just a fluke and your odds go way down of miscarrying again. So I did have that easing my worries.

 I went ahead and retested that evening and there it was...another BFP!(Big fat positive for those who aren't down with the pregnancy lingo) haha! Again, I didn't jump up and down and cry with excitement this time around...it was more of a "ok...here we go...I hope this sticks!" type of feeling. This pregnancy felt different. The first one I was having a lot of cramps very early on...it just didn't feel right. This one however, felt great! I was experiencing all of the normal signs you would feel when you're pregnant all except the morning sickness. But that doesn't usually kick in until the 6th week anyway so I wasn't worried about that. The best part was...I passed the 4 week "chemical pregnancy" mark! So I knew then that this one was going to stick around! I started finally getting excited! 

 Around 5 1/2 weeks, I started feeling very strong pains in my right ovary. It was so severe that it woke me from my sleep and felt much like menstrual cramps - but only limited to one side. I took motrin and called my dr. in the morning. She wanted me to come in for an ultrasound since localized pain in early pregnancy could be signs of an eptopic pregnancy. (Where the baby starts growing in your Fallopian tubes instead of your uterus). That was a very scary thought and I went in that afternoon. At the ultrasound - they saw a gestational sac and nothing in my tubes...so that was good...kinda. But they didn't see anything in my gestational sac either. It wasn't tooooo alarming, however since I was only 5 1/2 weeks and sometimes it's just too early to tell. The pain I was experience actually ended up being my Corpus Luteum cyst (also known as the pregnancy cyst) that appeared on my ovary. It's actually a good thing because it provides progesterone to help keep that uterine lining nice and thick and helps nourish the baby. So that was relieving to hear. 

 Finally - it came. My 8 week appt! This was the one where we get to hear the heartbeat! My husband came along and we were both very excited! It was just a cool thing that we were going to get to do together. One that would kind of change our lives! We arrived at the appt and went in the ultrasound room. Then it appeared on the screen! There was our tiny little bean!! I was so excited - only for it to be short lived. I saw a little flickering heart on the screen...but it was so slow. No more than 47BPM. A babies heartrate will start at around 160BPM...so clearly this was concerning. I saw the look on my ultrasound techs face and it wasn't good. She told me the heartrate is really slow and that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks. I felt maybe I had ovulated a little later than I thought and that is why the baby was measuring small. But she wasn't convinced. She left the room with a "sorry guys". And I was left feeling gutted. Then my husband who always looks at life with the half glass full mentality said "We saw a heartbeat! Everything is going to be fine!!" But I knew deep down it wasn't. 

 We reset a followup appt for 2 weeks. They wanted me to come back the following week - but I wanted to give the baby time to grow. I didn't want to go in the next week for them to tell me that there hasn't been much change. So I patiently (well as patient as I could be) waited the 2 weeks. My husband couldn't go in with me this time as he had to work. So I went in alone. As I laid there waiting for the image to appear on the screen, I saw my baby again. Only this time..no heartbeat. It still measured at 6 weeks so not even any growth either. It probably passed shortly after the 1st visit. I stared at the screen and then the tech left me alone to get the doctor. During those moments I just felt numb. Why is this happening again?! What did I do wrong?! I immediately called my husband when it all hit me. I could only mutter the words. "No heartbeat". I could hear in his voice he was crushed. I was crushed. I just cried. And he was too far away to hold me. 

 They took me into a small room while I waited for the doctor. Finally, the doctor came in and went over my options. I knew immediately I wanted a D&C (Dilation and Curettage). I just wanted it to be over with and that was the fastest way it would be. The other option was to take 3 pills and go home to pass it naturally. The 3rd option was just to wait for your body to take care of business....whenever that would be. So we arranged for the D&C procedure the following day. That evening, I went home and my sister went into labor. She delivered a beautiful healthy little boy. That news was very bittersweet. I was so happy for her, but there I was...about to say goodbye to mine. The world can be very cruel sometimes.